AA en ate aoa Fe me Dicer Dave Righetti pitched a no-hitter for the Yankees today. He had a lot of velocity on his fastball early on but as he tired he wisely relied more on his slider. A triumphal per- formance. LivinG One apartment that I looked at lately seemed so attractive I could scarcely contain my joy. It was a furnished 2 1/2 room walk-in on a quiet block, going for $250.00 including gas and electric. This is an uncommon bargain for N.Y.C. Unbelievable in fact. As I was about to cry out “T’ll take it. It’s mine ” the dear woman who was showing the flat quietly interjected: “and Mr. Vortman, he von’t be a bit of trouble.” When pressed for details the woman replied ‘“Yeah sure, Mr. Vortman he lives there.also — he’s kviet, he’s a good man — you ken leaf ten tousand dollars lying out and he won’t touch it.” Apparently this elderly gentle- man lived there already, in a sealed room off to the side of the flat, and we would share the facilities. This was men- tioned only en passant - it didn’t occur to the landlady that I might balk at the arrangement or even be interested. Luck- ily she did eventally divulge this fact or one dark night I might easily have hit poor Mr., Vortman over the noggin with a case of chewing tobacco, thinking he was burgling me. We do have burglars here in N.Y.C., and no-one would blame me. But we’re not savages here you know. We’re Americans! Advice In regards to finding a wife, you did counsel me to gain 150 pounds. I heeded your sage advice and am now an elephantine 450,, My belly shakes when I laugh. But women laugh, taunting me with names like ‘avoirdupois’ and ‘enbonpoint’”. Brooklyn chicks can be so cruel. News Guess what? I now have a flat. I officially move tomor- row into a sepulchral vestpocket basement apartment in Brooklyn. It’s absurdly overpriced at $300.00 per month — yet this is a good deal for N.Y.C. I’ll soon be able to bring chicks home. But I’ve been preoccupied and disoriented lately. Who will cook veal cutlets for me now? Health At Jack LaLanne Health Spa recently I capitalized upon an opportunity that Jerry Lewis would have envied. You see, in order to keep the whirlpool from becoming a cesspool we’re all obliged to shower before entering. I know the rules and I always shower, but sometimes I just shower a little, just a dousing. So as I was commencing my entrance into the whirlpool the guard surlily demanded, “Did you take shower?!” My reply: “Why is there one mis- sing?” Luckily there were witnesses or he’d have beaten me to a pulp. Brooklyn security guards can be so humourless. 7h = ea aw @ RA pPIE PEACE Day ° Why Walk? On April 27, 1986,owners of German, Swedish or British sedans will assemUe at the Robson St. Market; 3- ish. We will then proceed up Denman to Beach, over Bur- rard St. Bridge to Point Grey Rd, around UBC, S.W. Marine then through Kerrisdale and Shaugnessy. Rally to follow at Shenanigans on Robson. Topics for discusion: Nuclear Winter and Helicopter Skiing Radiation Fallout and the Wine Crop “Stocks, Krugerrands or Canned Food?” Aerobics for Mutated Physiologies 5-W, MARINE, KERRISDALE SHAUGNESSY 8 A- ROBSON St; MARKET B- SHENANIGANS . aa i Tra nbL-bid a a we or SMT HEL cg push PAGE Five PLANET OF THE ARTS api, (986 Luck When I moved into my noisy dank digs here in Borough Park I had the assistance of my friend Pete the Greek, who’s had as many nervous breakdowns as I’ve had women. Well recently, he shared with me a delusion he entertained as he helped me move. He was in the throes of acrisis just then, though aside from wearing his specs upside down, he man- ifested no symptoms. Well, my flat was nigh bare of all ap- purtenances at the time. There was however, an outsize (and I mean larger than life itself) Snoopy doll which the previous tenant, obviously unwilling to risk personal injury, had left. The beast reclined on a set of steps which lead nowhere, the upstairs having been sealed off. The only other item in this stygian abode was a dog-eared copy of “The Passover Plot’ which the previous occupant, an Ita- lian day-labourer, had probably used to snort his cocaine off of. Now with just these two props, Pete was able to con- fect the most fanciful of delusions, believing that the Is- raelis had harnessed the power of the Dog Star in their quest for world dominion, and that I was their agent. Mental dis- orders being such creative things I suppose I’m lucky Pete didn’t murder me,then sell the rights to his subsequent story on how he saved the world. Although we have a great time here in N.Y.C., I’ve got to go elsewhere. Runt Bessie But you would love my Aunt Bessie. Like many mental cases, she’s a monologuist, rattling on about endless rub- bish, interrupting herself only to ask questions the answers for which she will not wait. At one point she was marvelling about a co-worker of hers whose sanity is unimpeachable. “He’s able to function, he has no chemical imbalances, he doesn’t need shock treatments. . . .” LobGinG My sciatica (a good title for my autobiography: “My Sci- atica’ has been a revenant which has made me wretchedly uncomfortable. Moving is hard when you suffer from sci- atica. Leisure We have a great time here in Boro Park: Do drop in. Let me know when you’re coming so I can stock up on olives and chewing tobacco. As we say inN.Y.C., Yo! Love, Artie P.S. as I was walking to my car earlier there was this large corrugated cardboard box in my path. I had to walk around it. v ¢ 2 “a z Dave Righetti pitched a no-hitter forthe Yankees today He had a lot of velocity on his fastball early on but as he tired he wisely relied more on his slider. A triumphal per- formance Livine ‘One apartment that looked at ately seemed soattractive I could scarcely contain my joy. It was a furnished 2 1/2 room walk-in ona quiet block, going fr $250,00 including gas and electric. Thisis an ncommon bargain for N.Y C Unbelievable in fact. As was abou to cry ut“ take i I's mine” the dear woman who was showing the flat Guietly interjected: “and Mr. Vortman, he vont bea bit of trouble.” When pressed for deals the woman replied “Yeah sure, Mr. Vortman he lives there also — he’s Kvet, he's a good man — you ken leaf ten tousand dollars lying ut and he won't touch i.” Appareil this elderly gene: tan lived there already, ina sealed room off othe side of the iat, and we would share the feces: "This was men- tioned only en passant it didn’t occur tothe landlady that ‘might balk atthe arrangement o even be interested. Luck- ily she did eventally divulge this fact or one dark ight I might easily have hit poor Mr., Vortman ovr the noggin with a case of chewing bacco, thinking he was burgling me. We do have burglars herein N.Y.C., and no-one srould blanc mie, But we're not savages ete you know We're Americans! Advice In regards to finding a wife, you did counsel me to gain 150 pounds. I heeded your sage advice and am now an clephantine 450,, My belly shakes when I laugh. But women laugh, taunting me with names like ‘avoirdupois’ and ‘enbonpoint’?. Brooklyn chicks can be so cruel News Guess what? I now have a flat. I officially move tomor- row into a sepulchral vestpocket basement apartment in Brooklyn. It’s absurdly overpriced at $300.00 per month — yet this isa good deal for N.Y.C. I'll soon be abe to bring chicks home. But I've been preoccupied and disoriented lately. Who will cook veal cutlets for me now? Health ‘AtJack LaLanne Health Spa recently I capitalized upon an opportunity that Jerry Lewis would have envied. You see, im order to keep the whirlpool from becoming a cesspool we're all obliged to shower before entering. I know the rules and I always shower, but sometimes I just showera ltt, just a dousing. So as was commencing my entrance into the whirlpool the guard surlily demanded, Did you take shower?!” My reply: “Why is there one mis- sing?” Luckily there were witnesses or he'd have beaten me ‘guards can be so humourless os enn |Why Walk? On April 27, 1986owners of German, Swedish ‘or British sedans will assemble at the Robson St, Market; 3- ish. We will then proceed up Denman to Beach, over Bur- rard St. Bridge to Point Grey Rd, around UBC, $.W. Marine then through Kerrisdale and Shaugnessy. Rally to follow at Shenanigans on Robson. Topics for discusion: Nuclear Winter and Helicopter Skit Radiatio Fallout and the Wine Crop “Stocks, Krugerrands or Canned Food? Aerobics for Mutated Physiologies Tievessy ‘Reso oc neh a: Shenauicans PAGE Five PLANET OF THE ARTS _ApRit, (996 Luck ‘When I moved into my noisy dank digs herein Borough Park Ihad the assistance of my fiend Pete the Greek, who's had as many nervous breakdowns as I've had women, Well recently, he shared with me a delusion he entertained as he helped ie move. He was in the throes of acrisis just then, though aside from wearing hs specs upside down, he man- ifested no symptoms. Wel, my flat was nigh bare of al ap- Purtenances atthe time. There was however, an ousize (nd I mean larger than life itself) Snoopy doll which the previous tenant, obviously unwilling to rsk persona injury, had left. The beast reclined on a set of steps which lead nowhere, the upstairs having been sealed off. The only ‘other item in this stygian abode was a dog-cared copy of “The Passover Plot” which the previous occupant, an It Tian day-labourer, had probably used to sort his cocaine off of. Now with ust these two props, Pete was able tocon- fect the most fanciful of delusions, believing thatthe Is- raclishad harnessed the power ofthe Dog Sta in their quest for world dominion, and that I was ther agent. Mental di ‘orders being such creative things I suppose I'm lucky Pete didn’t murder methen sell the rights to his subsequent story con how he saved the world. Although we have a great ime herein N.Y.C., I've got to go elsewhere. Fuort Bessie But you would love my Aunt Bessie. Like many mental ‘cases, she’s a monologuist, rattling on about endless rub- bish, interrupting herself only to ask questions the answers for which she will nt wait. Atone point she was marvelling about a co-worker of hers whose sanity is unimpeachable. “He's able to function, he has no chemical imbalances, he doesn't need shock treatments. Lopeina My sciatica (a good ttle for my autobiography: “My Sci atica’ has been a revenant which has made me wretchedly uncomfortable. Moving is hard when you suffer from sci- atic. Leisure We have great time herein Boro Patk: Do drop in, Letmeknow when you're coming so I can stock up on olives and chewing tobacco. As we sayin N.Y.C., Yo! Love, Artie PS. as I was walking to my car earlier there was this large corrugated cardboard box in my path, Ihad to walk around it