Aries (March 21-April 19) You could:say that being alive is like walking on a tiny little tightrope high above an ocean full of broken glass. If you look down, you see your fate re- flected in a million tiny shards, sort of like a little rainbow. But is it a rainbow of life...or of death? Taurus (April 20-May 20) Today, my little friend, life is a bull market for you, if you catch my mean- ing. Taking love matters by the horns could spell disaster. Confrontation is not the answer. Best to ease up a little. Gemini.(May 21-June 20) You can’t imagine how much you suck. But you’ve always sucked. And you’re particularly sucking this month. Stay home. : Cancer (June 21-July 22) I know you’ve been teeling something missing lately but you don’t know what it is. A search for the spiritual has set you adrift in a sea of shame and sorrow. Well, my little pea pod, put down that bottle and crack out the plastic. What you don’t seem to realize is that money can buy you love. In case you are not catching my drift, I’m only trying to tell you to concentrate on the things around you a little more...the small things, the material things. What you need are some brand new rags and feathers and a bag full of new stuff to make your spir- its instantly rise. Consumption is the key, the more conspicuous the better. Cha-ching! Cha-ching! : Leo (July 23-August 22) Roar! Pet me, I’m a lion! A big, fat lion! Virgo (August 23-September 22) Your house is a mess! (Metaphorically speaking, of course!) People have been staying clear of you before you even show your face. Your stink precedes you from a mile away! Get cleaning piggy wiggy! Oink oink! Libra (September 23-October 22) Don’t rock the boat. Scorpio (October 23-November 21) A giant meteor is making its way to- wards the earth. Only you know about it now. You have just enough time to warn everyone. If you don’t act now, the planet will be destroyed and you and everyone you know will die a horri- ble, fiery death. Sagittarius (November 22-Decem- ber 21) Nice lid, buddy! There is never an excuse for bad hair. No amount of bryll creme can help you. You poor, poor liitle slob. Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Life is a big fat ray of sunshine for you this month, Capricorn. If you buy a lottery ticket, you will surely strike it rich. Everyone likes you. Aquarius (January 20-February 18) If your life is like an ocean, the people close to you are like little fish who poo and pee in the water and just keep on swimming! Pisces (February 19-March 20) Entry unavailable at Press time. FOUND! VATICAN’S — ee na OP a ys Aries (March 21-April 19) You could say that being alive is like walking on a tiny little tightrope high above an ocean full of broken glass. If you look down, you see your fate re- flected in a million tiny shards, sort of like a little rainbow. Butis it a rainbow of life...or of death? Taurus (April 20-May 20) Today, my little friend, life is a bull market for you, if you catch my mean- ing. Taking love matters by the horns could spell disaster. Confrontation not the answer. Best to ease up a little Gemini (May 21-June 20) You can’t imagine how much you suck. But you've always sucked. And you're particularly sucking this month. Stay home. Cancer (June 21-July 22) T know you've been feeling something missing lately but you don’t know what itis. A’search for the spiritual has set you adrift in a sea of shame and sorrow. Well, my little pea pod, put down that bottle and crack out the plastic. What ‘you don’t seem to realize is that money can buy you love. In case you are not catching my drift, I'm only trying to tell you to concentrate on the things around you a little more...the small things, the material things. What you need are some brand new rags and feathers and a bag full of new stuff to make your spir- its instantly'rise. Consumption is the Key, the more conspicuous the better. Cha-ching! Cha-ching! Leo (July 23-August 22) Roar! Pet me, I'm a lion! A big, fat lion! Virgo (August 23-September 22) Your house is a mess! (Metaphorically speaking, of course!) People have been staying clear of you before you even show your face. Your stink precedes you from a mile away! Get cleaning Piggy wiggy! Oink oink! Libra (September 23-October 22) Don't rock the boat, Scorpio (October 23-November 21) ‘A giant meteor is making its way to- wards the earth. Only you know about itnow. You have just enough time to warn everyone. If you don’t act now, the planet will be destroyed and you and everyone you know will die a horri- ble, fiery death. Sagittarius (November 22-Decem- ber 21) Nice lid, buddy! Ther excuse for bad ha creme can help you, liitle slob. never an No amount of bryil You poor, poor Capricorn (December 22-January 19) Life is a big fat ray of sunshine for you this month, Capricorn. If you buy a lottery ticket, you will surely strike it rich. Everyone likes you. Aquarius (January 20-February 18) If your life is like an ocean, the people close to you are like little fish who poo and pee in the water and just keep on swimming! Pisces (February 19-March 20) Entry unavailable at Press time.