22 Planet of the Arts / October 1996 - Hey Fron er: Funded by the students union Tuesdays, beginning September 24 & - 9pm in room 447, north building : ; Life Drawing Like Drawing \s — cone on Free sessions for all students $5.00 for non-students As. Manners, answers your questions about social etiquette, sex, and matters of personal hygiene. Bummed out by bad etiquette? Snagged about sex? Personal hygiene have you in a quandary? Straight-jacketted by P.C.? Have a question that needs answering? Submit to Ms. Manners c/o Planet of the Arts. Dear Ms. Manners: | think someone loves me, but I’m not sure. Is spit/swallow still a good measure of someone loving another? Is there a newer ‘90's’ indication? Signed: Swelled Head. Dear Swelled: Excuse me for taking so long to answer this, but | had to look up the word spit in my dictionary. Now, let’s deal with your question. Don’t jump to conclusions about this individual’s guzzling habits. Perhaps this person has a strong gag reflex and, in their mind, swallowing and then choking might falsely indicate a lesser measure of her/his love. As well, be sympathetic to the fact that they just may not be hungry at the time. As for the swelled head part, you could do permanent harm to yourself if you remain in this state of oblivion. There’s got to be another way to let those guys loose. eke Dear Ms. Manners: We have an employee at our office who wears entirely too much perfume. She puts down a trail wherever she goes. What should we do? Signed: We Need Air. Dear Air: This sounds positively intense. Before you take action, make sure the perfume isn’t masking a worse odor. Ms. Manners once worked with a woman who, she (and others) thought, only bathed from the waist up, and Ms. M. was certain she still had an old tampon in there somewhere. Also, does this person incessantly hang around pestering others because over- perfuming can also be a way of trying to get attention. To answer your question, Ms. Manners’ advice is LIE. Tell this person that you are severely allergic to perfume — and then start scratching. If a worse smell emerges, write back for advice on ‘dropping hints about hygiene’. wae Dear Ms. Manners, | think you’re cute, but | can’t say ~ anything cuz I’m too shy. Signed, Shy boy. Dear Shy Boy: Ms. Manners is extremely flattered although she doesn’t have time to date as she is extremely busy answering your letters and keeping up to date on the latest social protocol and good hygiene habits. Dear Ms. Manners, | am doing graduate work in ecology and will be looking at the effects of grazing on poa pretensis nutritive quality. Does anyone know of any forage quality measurements that have previously been taken for this species? I'll be looking at %N and IVDMDP. Thank you. Signed, RP. Dear R.P.: You came to the right place. Ms. Manners just completed her thesis on %N as it relates to IUDbyanMD. The %N relates to the percentage of the pretensis nutritive/forage quality combined. This is contingent upon the IUDbyanMD as it is congruous to the insertion point. If you consider the species, IUDbyanMD [combined with poa species qualities], the resulting formula will be found in and/or around expansive dimensions of moderate/delinquent %N genus and its grazing habits. This indeed is complex, but Ms. Manners encourages you to persevere by way of consistent application of the spit/swallow technique. You are indeed doing important work for the Planet in the area of ecological fertilization. kk [This message was sent through our www- email gateway.] Saw you on CNN this morning discussion rudeness in politics. appreciate your work. whatever is at the heart of politeness is disappearing fast from our cultures collective psyche and the possibilities are frightening. soul is being eaten by the beast within. please keep speaking thank you, porter martin Miss Manners’ Monthly Tip: Handkerchief etiquette Unless it can be helped, avoid using a handkerchief at the dinner table. If you absolutely must, turn away from guests and dinner plates. Don’t be explicit. Story by Dawn Buie like she imagines a morsel of heroin surges through her spastic arteries. She imagines herself a long blonde wig, draped over her eyes hippie-style, the strands all translucent, the texture of Barbie hair. She’s decided, no make-up. She’s letting her joy all hang out, audience be damned. The good ones will recognize her smile, like she recognized it in the preposterous Opera singer . Holding a pose, elbow jutting, black shawl covering white shoulder coming out of black strapless. Three diamond drips defining valley to unseen terrain, smile stretched taught, brunette - bouffant to boot. The lady in the straight jacket sings Carmen S™ goes on reading nonsense, joy like gurgles. A high energy drug \ and I am surprised, je l’aime. Black shawl slips off shoulder, SS \\ knows. part of plan, doesn’t matter, my levels are peaking. Her companion (Him, of course), has smoked some pot. It's the only way he can keep up with her. She sighs realizing it’s the only form of seduction she “Am_1 convincing?” she asks the well-wishing stranger. He shrugs happily. “Well there’s only one way to know,” she says, pretending they share the same curiosity, “Do you feel like a convict, because if you do, I must be convincing.” He straightens. "Yes I do feel like a convict, bundled up in these limited cubic centimeters,” he pauses considering, “must be the fact I’m sitting on a chair.” It satisfies them both, for a chair is a salient symbol. ‘of this single- ; Phone Abuse at Emily Carr by Harald Gravelsins The four courtesy phones at Emily Carr are being abused. Receivers are being broken, casings are being split, and cords are being ripped out. The person on the trail of this problem is Emily Carr’s Systems Manager Roland Plessis. Roland wonders what it will take to stop the abuse. The courtesy phones were installed at the direction of former chief executive artist Alan Barkley fol- lowing a request from the Students’ Union. Two courtesy phones are provided in 7a each building. They have ff’ a red casing just like the twenty security phones that are distributed throughout the Institute. The distinguishing i be used at any given time. For example, when phone ‘A’ is off the hook (somebody’s using it), a person attempting to use phone ‘B’ gets an immediate busy signal upon dialing and therefore needs to wait until phone ‘A’ is back on the hook. People think the phones are out of order. Instead of waiting for a dial tone, people with an “I’ll-fix-the-radio-by- hitting-it” philosophy have repeated- ly smashed the telephone casings with the aim of getting a proper con- nection. Now several of the phones really are on the blink and may actu- ally require a hit to get them to work. _ The red colour of the casing may also create the impression that each cour- tesy phone must give a x . feature of the courtesy phones SX : is that they allow for free local telephone calls. A less obvious feature is that each pair of phones is connected to a single telephone trunk. The pairing of courtesy phones is based on cost. The monthly charge for each trunk is $102.60, or more than $1,200 per year. Service and equipment replacement costs bring up the total moncy outlay even higher. As a result trunk config- uration, only one phone in each pair can dial tone at all times since it is equiv- alent (in appearance) to the security phones. Roland notes that there is virtually no damage to any of the twenty security phones. Roland is investigating two reme- dies at this time: (1) reducing the number of courtesy phones to one per trunk and therefore to one per building; (2) using blue or some other colour besides red for the casing. The first solution would forestall the phenomenon of “busy-upon- dialing” frustration. The second solu- tion might take away the red flag that literally waves in the face of frus- trated courtesy phone users. If readers have any solutions, they can forward them to Roland at his work station in Emily Carr’s account- ing office. Roland hopes to be able to rec- ommend a plan of action to Ron Burnett, our current chief executive artist, by the middle of October. <@& 22 Planet of the Arts / October 1996 Fre sessions fo students Funded by the students union ‘eaes begin Septet 26 _¢-pmin room 47, nort bling P fe Drawing Li Dear MMs. Manners, answers your questions about social etiquette, sex, and matters of personal hygiene. Bummed out by bad etiquette? Snagged about sex? Personal hygiene have you in a quandary? Straight-jacketted by P.C.? Have a question that needs answering? Submit to Ms. Manners Stor 'Y by Dawn Buie he goes on reading nonsense, joy lke urgles. A high energy drug like she imagines @ morsel of heroin surges through her spas arteries. he imagines herself along blonde wig, draped over her ‘yes hippie-style, the strands all translucent, the texture of Barbie ‘hal. She's decided, no make-up. She's letting her joy all hang o ‘good ones will recognize her smi ‘repasterous Opera singer Holding a pose, elbow jutting, black shawl covering white shoulder coming out of black strapless. Three diamond dips defining valley to unseen tera, smile stretched taught, brunette ‘ouffant 0 Boot. Te lady in the straight jacket sings Carmen ‘and Iam surprised, je Voime. Black shawl sips of shoulder, \\ Part ef pan, doesn't mate, my levels are peaking. Her companion (Him, of course), has smoked some pot. It's the only way he can keep up with her. She sighs realizing It's the only form of seduction she Knows “Am I convincing?” she asks the wellwishing stranger. He shrugs happily. “Well there's oly one way to know,” she says, pretending they share the same curiosity, "Do you fel like a convict, because ifyou do, I must be convincing.” He straightens. "Yes Ido fee ike a ‘convict, bundled up in these limited cuble centimeters,” he pauses considering, "must be the fact 'm siting on a chat” It satisfies them both, fora chair is @ salient symbol. ‘audience be damned. The like she recognized it in the c/o Planet of the Arts. or Ms. Monn: sure Isilon slo god meaure of Someane loving arabe? here newer Signed Seed Heo Des See ‘Excise me fr taking 30 ong to answer thi, but had 9 lok yp he word Spain my ebony Now lets del wis Your question Don jmp to condons {bout ta nda qursing hab eaps ts person has a song gu tex {diner ming, swaloning a hen ‘hating might fase ndeate a ese ‘measure of he/s love. s wl, be Spat to he at that hey ust may ote hungry atthe ume Aso he ‘Seed ead pat, you coud do Beanent harm to youself you remain Inths state of btnon. There's ga tobe ater way to let those guys loose Weave on employe a ur ice who wears ene too much perlame She pts own gta wherever she ges Wht shud Sone: We Need Ae Des Ae “Tis sounds postal intense. Bele you tke scton, make sue the pertame rt masking a worse odor Ms Mess ‘nce worked witha woman who, she (nd ‘thes thought, ony bathed rom the ‘walt op, and MM. was crashes Fd an old tampon in there ‘Ao, dows ths person ine ‘ound pestering ates pBetuming can abo be 3 way of tying To answer your question, Ms. Manner? advices Ue Tel ths prion that yor sever ate peri nd tmerges, wrt back for sie on “Groping hints about hygiene Tink you're ete, but cant ay cnt cm 00 Sone Sy boy Dest sy Boy Btthough she dosnt have ie o dt Shes extemal busy anawering your ites and teeping vp to dst on te {atest socal protocol tnd good hyiene abi ear Mi Manes am dig produce work a clay ond ibe olin tthe eles rang Serena arnt, ‘yon knwo ny rope ‘mesuremerts have prey been {Token fr ths specs be ting oN "ou eame to the right pac. Ms Manne jst completed he es on SN dsitrelates to UDbya0MD. The SN Fees tothe percentage ol the pretess rutverorage unity combed Tas entingent upon he RID an a engrus tothe inseron ont you onside the species, UD ye0MD [combines with poo specs uates). he ‘esl fermul il be found in and/or tround expanive imensions of Imoderateldeinguent 6N gens and its ‘rang habs Tisindeed comple, but Ws Manners encourages you to pesevre byway of conten apptcaon of he spilswaion tecigue You send ‘Song important werk forthe Pont te sen ecolgcal eatin, {hi menage was sent trough ou wie ‘ena gatenty) Sa you on CNN this mocing Your work watever at he hea of Paltenes is dsappeanng fst fom our ‘tres colective pee and the posses re tnghening. ous bing ‘herby the Be tn plete hep Speating thankyou porte mati Miss Manners’ Monthly Tip: Unles tan be helped, void sing 2 handterchil athe ner abe you obtusa anny rom goes ta cir plates. Dont be exp. by Harald Gravelsins ‘The four courtesy phones at Emily Care are being abused Receivers are being broken, casings ae being spit and cords are being ripped out. “The person on the tral of this problem is Emly Car’ Systems ‘Manager Roland Pes, Roland wonders what it wil take to stop the abuse ‘The courtesy phones were insaled atthe direction of former chet executive artist Alan Barkley fol: lowing a request rom the Students’ Union, Two courtesy phones ae provided in teach bulding, They have 2 ced casing jst ke the twenty security phones that ate disibuted throughout the Institute The distinguishing feature ofthe courtesy phones is that they allow for re local telephone calls. A less obvious features that each pair of phones is connected to a Single telephone unk The Paring of courtesy phones based on cost. The monthly charge fr each trunks $102.60, or more than $1,200 per year Service and equipment replacement costs bring up the total money cutly even higher. ‘Aso result ofthis single: ‘wun contig. ration, only fone phone in cach pai can bbe vied at any given time For ‘example, when phone is ofthe hook (somebody's using it), a person attempting to use phone ‘8 gets an Immediate busy signal upon ding and therefore needs to walt until [phones back on the hook People think the phones are out of order Instead of waiting for a dialtone, peopl with an “i-xthe-adio-by iting” philosophy have repeated: ly smashed the telephone casings With the aim of geting a proper con- ection. Now several ofthe phones realy are on the blink and may actu- ally require a hit to get them to work The red colour ofthe casing may aso create the lmptssion that each cour- tesy phone must give a Phone Abuse at Emily Carr ial tone at al ties since i equiv alent (in appearance) othe security phones Roland notes that there is vitally no damage to any ofthe twenty security phones Roland is ivestigating two reme- dies at this time: (1) reducing the ‘numberof courtesy phones fo one per trunk and therefore to one per Bullding; (2) using blue or some ‘other colour besides re forthe ‘casing, The fist solution would forestall ‘the phenomenon of “busy-upon- dialing” frustration. The second solu tion might take away the red lag that erally waves in the face of fus- trated courtesy phone users. readers have any solutions, they ‘an forward them to Roland a his workstation in Emily Cars account- ing office Roland hopes to bé able to rec ‘ommend a plan of action to Ron Burnett, our current chief executive artist, By the middle of October."