30 Planet of the Arts / May-June 1996 Pear Mts. Manners, answers your questions about social etiquette. sex, and matters of personal hygiene. Bummed out by bad etiquette? Snagged about sex? Personal hygiene have you in a quandary? Straightjacket- ted by P.C? Have a question that needs answering? Submit to Ms. Manners, c/o Planet of the Arts. Ms. Manners is a nationally syndicated column. Dear Ms. Manners, ! have pondered and queried this dilemma on many occasions and would kindly appreciate an easy solution to avoid further embarrass- ment. Here goes: | have problems with involuntary, silent flatulence. What should | do when in a crowded elevator and one slips out and distastefully permeates the air? Do | pretend nothing happened? Do! wrinkle my nose at the nearest occupant? Do | whistle “Oh, Canada”?....Signed, C.M. Dear C.M. Any kind of dog as a constant companion will do. You may write to me regarding further pet etiquette...about that flatulence...well...once your medical doctor has eliminated the possi- bility of a more serious ailment, I’d highly recommend food sensitivity testing. Common allergens (cow’s milk, yeast containing foods, steroid hormone residue in meat, flavorings, among others) may damage and inflame the digestive tract and aggravate allergic condi- tions. Seek out a professional to help determine the cause. ( p.s.: don’t eat dog food.) Dear Ms. Manners: » 1 am worried that | have a large tapeworm. How can | tell? And how are they formed? Thanks...Signed, Worried Fish. Dear Worried Fish: Ms. Manners seems to have been called upon for medical advice this month. My medical experience and textbooks tell me that there are three ways you can deal with this problem, but first let’s talk about tapeworms. Tapeworms comprise up to 30 feet of flat, white segments, that live in the intestine and break off to make their exit via the feces. Tapeworm infestation can be had through eating undercooked pork, beef, and fish. Symptoms may include tics, ner- vous irritability, emaciation, and Sydenham’s chore. The first form of treatment is by drugs. If you prefer to seek homeopathic treatment you will be required to ingest Taenia Solium, Dear Ms. Manners: Today when | was showering at the swimming pool, the woman next to me whipped out a razor and started shaving her armpits. Horrified as | was, | still thought it improper to tell her to save it for home! You can imagine my horror when she began to also shave her netheregions! | didn’t know what to do! Because of this, in my bewil- derment, | forgot to rinse the soap out of my ears. Question: Is there any sort of infection that can be caught from soapy ears? And what if some hairs flew onto me?...Signed, HELP!! : Dear Help!!, Horrors!!! Was the water properly heated so as to destroy any bacteria? If so, | don’t think you have to worry about the hair...however, | would shower again just in case one embedded itself in a bodily crevice. How close were you standing to her? Were you sharing a drain? Now, about your soapy ears...the only potential danger is that you may not be alerted to her the next time she enters the shower. Dear Ms. Manners: If your out on a date and you really have to blow one, and you know you can sneek it out without making a sound, should you let it go and risk stinking up the car or should you hold it in and remain uncomfortable the rest of the night? Miss Manners had a sleep-over after eating beans for dinner. As this was her first date, she wouldn’t dream of ‘letting it go’ — so to speak. While in the hospital she realized that she had made a mistake. The enema was more painful than ‘holding it in’. If you happen to be driving by a cow pasture or other farmland, your date probably won’t know the difference. However, to play it safe, | recommend that you feign a leg cramp. Then walk far enough away f peed a homeopathic nosode. The attenuations of this nosode are prepared See Se eyin RON) ee from the pork tapeworm (which uses the human being as its sole from the car (making it difficult for your date to detect the scent), medical photograph final host). Remember that homeopathy works on the principle of like while you simultaneously limp and de-gas. Repeat as necessary. ill. b cures like. Acupuncture may work as a third remedy for this condi- tion. Ms. Manners has included an illustration of the related acupuncture point (ill. b). Be certain to see a licensed practitioner. Miss. Manners. Mouthly Tip How To Eat Chicken in Public: Use and knife and fork, except at picnics. Strip the bones with a knife, but if the setting is relaxed and casual, it’s permissible to pick up the bones. Chicken-in-a-basket may be eaten with your fingers. Dear Ms. Manners: My partner makes me do dumb animal imitations before sex. I’m tired of it! What do | do?...Signed, Burnt out from bad acting. Dear Burnt: I'm not exactly sure what the problem really is. The Art’s Club Theatre’s acting programme involves exercises whereby the partici- pant becomes, let’s say, a tree, table, etc...and | do believe they also allow you to select any animal you choose. Highly recommended! PS. What was the name of the Queen that had that pet horse? Dear Ms. Manners: In these days of stressed .P.C., how does one deal with swearing as a means of dealing expeditiously with annoying situations or white collar criminals fucking up the world! Honestly! Please comment....Signed, Direct. Dear Direct: Yes, | do believe we have a problem on our hands, although you seem to deal rather well with the swearing situation (refer to your let- ter). Keep up the good work and let’s hope others follow your fine example. 30. Planet of the Arts / MayJune 1996 Dear Ms. Manners, answers your questions about social etiquette. sex. and matters of personal hygiene. Bummed out by bad etiquette? Snagged about sex? Personal hygiene have you in a quandary? Straightjacket: ted by PC? Have a question that needs answering? Submit to Ms. Manners. c/o Planet of the Arts. ‘Ms. Manners is a nationally syndicated column. Dear Ms. Manners, have pondered and queried this dilemma on many occasions and would kindly appreciate an easy solution to avoid further embarrass ‘ment. Here goes: | have problems with involuntary, silent flatulence. What should ! do when in a crowded elevator and one slips out and distastefully permeates the air? Do | pretend nothing happened? Do | ‘wrinkle my nose at the nearest occupant? Do I whistle “Oh, Canada’?...Signed, CM. Dear CM, ‘Any kind of dog as a constant companion will do. You may write to me regarding further pet etiquette..about that flatulence...well..once your medical doctor has eliminated the possi bility of a more serious ailment, I'd highly recommend food sensitivity testing. Common allergens (cow's milk, yeast containing foods, steroid hormone residue in meat, flavorings, among others) may ‘damage and inflame the digestive tract and aggravate allergic conci- tions. Seek out a professional to help determine the cause. (ps. don’t eat dog food.) ‘Dear Ms. Manners: f tc ott thet havea age operon, How cn tl? And how ae they met? Thanks Signe Ward Fh ‘Dear Worried Fish: ‘Ms, Manners seems to have been called upon for medical advice this month. My medical experience and textbooks tell me that there are three ways you can deal with this problem, but first It’s talk ‘about tapeworms. Tapeworms comprise up to 30 feet of flat, white ‘segments, that live in the intestine and break off to make their exit via the feces. Tapeworm infestation can be had through eating undercooked pork, beef, and fish. Symptoms may include tics, ner ‘yous irritability, emaciation, and Sydenham's chore. “The first form of treatment is by drugs. If you prefer to seek homeopathic treatment you will be required to ingest Taenia Solum, ‘a homeopathic nosode. The attenuations of this nosode are prepared from the pork tapeworm (which uses the human being as its sole final host). Remember that homeopathy works on the principle of like cures like, Acupuncture may work asa third remedy for this condi- tion, Ms. Manners has included an illustration of the related acupuncture point (ill b). Be certain to see a licensed practitioner. Dear Ms. Manners: ‘My partner makes me do dumb animal imitations before sex. I'm tired of it! What do | do?..Signed, Burnt out from bad acting. Dear Burnt: rm not exactly sure what the problem really is. The Ar’s Club Theatre's acting programme involves exercises whereby the partici pant becomes, let's say, a tree, table, etc..and I do believe they also allow you to select any animal you choose. Highly recommended! PS. What wos the name of the Queen that had that pet horse? Dear Ms. Manners: In these days of stressed PC., how does one deal with swearing as ‘a means of dealing expeditiously with annoying situations or white collar criminals fucking up the world! Honesty! Please ‘comment...Signed, Direct. Dear Direct Yes, do believe we have a problem on our hands, although you seem to deal rather well with the swearing situation (refer to your lt ter). Keep up the good work and le’s hope others follow your fine example. Dear Ms. Manners: Today when | was showering at the swimming pool, the woman next to me whipped out a razor and started shaving her armpits Hortified as | was, | still thought it improper to tell her to save it for hhome! You can imagine my horror when she began to also shave her netheregions! 1 didn't know what to do! Because of this, in my bewil- derment, | forgot to rinse the soap out of my ears. Question: Is there ‘ny sort of infection that can be caught from soapy ears? And what it some hairs flew onto me?...Signed, HELP” \Was the water properly heated so as to destroy any bacteria? If so, 1 don’t think you have to worry about the hair. however, | would shower again justin case one embedded itself ina bodily crevice. How close were you standing to her? Were you sharing a drain? Now, about your soapy ear..the only potential danger is that you may not be alerted to her the next time she enters the shower. Dear Ms. Manners: {If your out on a date and you really have to blow one, and you know you can sneek it out without making a sound, should you let it {90 and risk stinking up the car or should you hold itin and remain uncomfortable the rest of the night? Miss Manners had a sleep-over after eating beans for dinner. As this was her frst date, she wouldn’t dream of ‘letting it go’ ~so to speak While in the hospital she realized that she had made a mistake. The {enema was more painful than ‘holding iti’. you happen to be driving by a cow pasture or other farmland, your date probably won't know the difference. However, to play it safe, | recommend that you feign a leg cramp. Then walk far enough away from the car (making it dificult for your date to detect the scent), while you simultaneously imp and de-gas. Repeat as necessary. Miss Mannees Monthly Tip How To Eat Chicken in Public: Use and knife and fork, except at picnics. Strip the bones with a knife, but if the setting is relaxed and casual, it's permissible to pick lup the bones. Chicken-in-a-basket may be eaten with your fingers.