End of the World... Fate of which has too much to do with Clintons’ Penis. drawing by Kevin Langdale by Lionel Doe Do you hear the sirens?.... Oh wait, no that’s Iraq calling for a time of prayer, I wonder what they’re praying for. I can guess it has little to do with Bill Clinton having extra- marital affairs. Even though that seems to have a lot to do with Iraq somehow. This strange relationship between Clintons’ penis and many missiles blowing strategic targets throughout Iraq has got me to thinking about many other relationships. For instance, what does Monica Lewinsky have to do with Iraq? Would she go for Saddam? Would Saddam go for her? To these questions most sane people would answer: Who cares? I would too, under normal conditions but it would seem that I do care about the sordid personal lives of world leaders as they apparently result in military strikes in the Middle East. I know I sound like a staunch republican to say that Clinton launched “Desert Fox” to further complicate his pending impeachment, but to say it’s coincidental is as far fetched as saying “Bill loves Hillary,... really.” Of all the crappy ways I have envisioned the end of the world, I would have never dreamed up something like this. The US defense/offense budget has surpassed even my most cynical imaginings. What was launched that fateful day; one day shy of Bill’s impeachment, was a true wonder. Designers and accountants and lawyers and janitors all watched with awe, and in our amazement, our dumbfounded state of awkward allegiance, we collectively took note of its long path. I chronicled this special moment for prosperity purposes and I relate this entry to you now. So there it goes, the latest and greatest military arsenal. Look at it launch into space; it’s Clintons’ penis, and it was ergonomically designed to fly through anything, not excluding a dense atmosphere of filth and sensational satellite broad- casts. It flies higher still, past the Star Wars defense system; it arcs high, placing itself as a beautiful silhouette in the moon for an instant, than swooshes down again, digitally targeted, straight for the Middle East. Local villagers look with awe as it tears toward them, chalky pink against the blue sky, it shifts, narrowly missing a nomadic tribe of herders and goats, it fine tunes it’s trajectory straight for Baghdad, honing in on the strange emissions coming from Saddams’ ass, the target is fixed and locked, we’re all fucked. Ms. Manners Dear Ms. Manners: A co-worker just lost her full-term baby in the womb. We collected $150 for a gift certificate to her favorite baby shop. Where should we redirect this money on her behalf? What form of condolence would be appropriate? Signed, Lamenting in the typing pool. Dear Lamenting: Yikes! Your co-worker will need all the compassion and support you can give her. Take the money and buy her the biggest bunch of flowers you can get your hands on, then run to your nearest spa and buy her a gift certificate © so she can treat herself to a something healing, like a massage. A word of warning: make cer- tain the masseur isn’t a honkin’ stud. The last thing she needs is to get herself knocked up again. Dear Ms. Manners: I have problems with involuntary mas- turbation. When I see an attractive woman, I can’t help but to whip out my cock, and begin to masturbate furiously. Can I be helped? p.s.: Iam careful to avoid getting any on her, however. Signed: Just another jerk-off. Dear Just Another (... yeah... just another...): If you’re going to do it, you might as well follow in the Canadian tradition and be polite about it. That’s more than Ms. Manners can say about our southern neighbour, Bill. Funny thing about those Americans — they have such a knack for being audacious. Example — You: avoid her dress. They: aim for the dress. My advice: you need something to occupy your hands. Example: When I quit smoking, I played with a pen as a substitute. Mind you, I was just a young nubile and hadn’t yet seen the likes of anyone of your stature. Then again, it was only the cigarette I was attempting to shake — though, come to think about it, they were Marlboro’s. Dear Ms. Manners: My daughter is in Grade 8 and plans to give her speech on Manners. I'd like to be supportive but she was told last's year’s entry was lacking in substance. I told her that if she call for all does some research this could be an interesting and even complicated topic. As you're the expert, can you suggest some good books or web sites that talk about different customs and man- ECIAD Alumni The Grad Show Coordinating Committee members would like to sincerely thank the alumni for their participation and support in the past grad shows. Those shows would not have been so suc- cessful without the strong presence of our past graduates. ners around the world? Thanks. Signed, Interfering Mother. Dear Interfering: Ms. Manners thinks it would be inter- esting to inject some critical content into the topic of manners by deconstructing it through the use of a psychoanalytical model and by examining gender related behaviour concerning the idea of appropriate conduct and good man- ners. Your daughter could be the person for the job. Ms. Manners was watching a rare game of women’s hockey on TV and noticed that there was a lot less spitting going on than in the men’s games. Why was this? Do women generate less saliva than their male counterparts? I think not! They must have been swallowing it. But why? Why would anyone want to swallow excess saliva? Why are women less inclined to spit in front of their fans? Maybe they feel that part of doing the job right has to do with the swallow. The male hockey jocks are such obvious spitters — projectile full-blown spits, in fact. It’s . almost as though they don’t want to be seen swal lowing, while the women don’t want to be seen spitting. Could it be they approach the game differently? Maybe they actually do spit, but conceal the action. Hmmm, must have something to do with social conditioning. Why are women less inclined to spit in front of their fans? Maybe they feel that part of doing the job right has to do with the swallow. As we move towards the year 2000 celebration, the ECIAD alumni will be called upon to participate in many special events. With the growth of our graduation classes and the increased com- plexity of our presentations, much more support is needed to facili- tate these graduation events. More than ever before, assistance from the alumni is needed. The alumni have always played an important part in a vari- ety of roles during the grad evenings of the past. They have helped to host bars, acted as the general assistants to the facilities office and carried out public relations and liaison with guests. The Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design is extremely proud of past gradu- ates and hopes to encourage members to continue to feel a part of the institute culture. The alumni provide the definite link for the new graduate to the larger art and design community. The members of the Graduation Coordinating Committee, the institute at large and the graduation class warmly welcome any support and assistance that you may give this year. You may con- tact Greg Bellerby, acting chair of the ECIAD Alumni Association at 844-2806, or myself, Randy Bradley at 844-2863, or write c/o The Grad Show Coordinating Committee to find out what you can do. thanks for your support! Influx: Magazine February 1999 17 & End of the World... Fate of which has too much to do with Clintons’ Penis. by Lionel Doe Do you hear the sirens... Oh wait, no that’s rag calling fo atime of prayer, I wonder what they're praying for. ean guess it has litle to do with Bill Clinton having extra ‘marital afar. Even though that seems to have a lt to do With Iraq somehow. This strange relationship between CCintons' penis and many missiles blowing strategic targets ‘throughout Ira has got me to thinking about many other relationships. For instance, what does Monica Lewinsky have to do with Iraq? Would she go for Saddam? Would Saddam 0 for her? To these questions most sane people would answer: Who cares I would too, under normal conditions butt would seem that Ido care about the sordid personal ives of world leaders as they apparently result in military strikes in the Middle East. Tlzov I sound like a staunch republican to ‘ay that Clinton launched "Desert Fox” to further complicate his pending impeachment, bu o say is coincidental is a8 far fetched as saying “Bll loves Hillary. realy Of all the crappy ways Ihave envisioned the end of the world, I would have never dreamed up something ike this. The US defense/offense budget has surpassed even my ‘most cynical imaginings. What was launched that fateful days ‘one da shy of Bills impeachment, was a true wonder. Designers and accountants and lawyers and janitors all watched with awe, and in our amazement, our dumbfounded state of awkward allegiance, we collectively took note of its Jong path. I chronicled this special moment for prosperity [purposes and I relate this entry to you now So there it goes, the latest and greatest mil [Look at it launch into spac; i’ Clintons’ pens, and i was cxgonomically designed to fy through anything, aot excluding 1 dense atmosphere of filth and sensational satelite broad casts. I ies higher stl, past the Star Wars defense system: i arcs high, placing tel as a beautiful silhouette inthe moon for an instant, than swooshes down again, digitally targeted, straight for the Middle East, Local villagers look with awe a ft tears toward them, chalky pink against the blue sky, shifts, narrowly missing a nomadic tbe of herders and goat, itfine tunes i's trajectory straight for Baghdad, honing in on the strange emissions coming from Saddams’ ass, the target i fixed and locked, we're all fucked. Ms. Manners Dear Ms, Manners [A covworker just lost her full-term baby in the womb. We collected $150 for a gift certificate to her favorite baby shop. Where should we redirect this money on her behal? What form of condolence would be appropriate? Signed, Lamenting in the typing pool. Dear Lamenting "Yikes! Your co-worker will need all the compassion and support you can give her “Take the money and buy her the biggest bunch of flowers you can get your hands on, then run to your nearest spa and buy her agit certificate so she can teat herself toa something healing, like a massage. A word of warning: make cer- tain the masseur isn't a honkin’ stad. The last thing she needs is to get herself knocked up again Dear Ms, Manners have problems with involuntary mas- tusbation. When I see an attractive woman, I can't help but to whip out my eock, and begin to masturbate furiously, Can Ibe helped? pps: Tam careful to avoid getting any on her, however med: Just another jerkoff. Dear Just Another (.. yeah... just another.) you're going to doit, you might as well follow in the Canadian tradition and be polite about it. That's more than Ms, Manners ‘ean say about our southern neighbour, Bll. Funny thing about those Americans ~ they have such a knack for being audacious. Example You: avoid her dress. They: aim forthe dress. [My advice: you need someting to occupy your hands. Example: When T quit smoking, played ‘with a pen asa substitute. Mind you, Twas just a young nubile and hadn't yet seen the likes of anyone of your stature, Then again, it was only the cigarette Iwas attempting to shake ~ though, ‘come to think about i, they were Marlboro’ Dear Ms, Manners: My daughters in Grade 8 and plans to give her speech on Manners. Td like to be supportive but she was told lst’s year’ entry ‘was lacking in substance I told he tha if she docs some research this could be an interesting and even complicated topic. As you're the ‘expert, can you suggest some good books or web sites that talk about diferent customs and man- ners around the world? ‘Thanks. Signed, Interfering Mother, Dear Interfering: Ms. Manners thinks it would be inter: esting to inject some ertical content into the topic of manners by deconstructing i through the use of a prychoanaltial model and by ‘examining gender related behaviour concerning the idea of appropriate conduct and good man= ners. Your daughter could be the person for the job. Ms, Manners was watching a rare same of women’s hockey on TV and noticed that there was alot less siting going on than in the men’s games, Why was this? Do women ‘generate less salva than their male counterparts? Think not! They must have been swallowing it But why? Why would anyone want to swallow ‘excess saliva? Why are women les inclined to ‘pit in front of thei fans? Maybe they fel that part of doing the job right as to do with the ‘wallow: The male hockey jock are sch obvious Spitters ~ projectile full-blown spits in fact. Tes almost as though they don’t want to be sen ‘wal lowing, while dhe women don’t want to be seen spiting. Cold tbe they approach the ‘game differently? May they actually do spi, ‘but conceal the action. Hamam, must have something to do with social conditioning Why are women less inclined to spit in front of their fans? Maybe they feel that part of doing the job right has to do with the swallow. call for all ECIAD Alumni — The Grad Show Coordinating Committee members would lke to sincerely thank the alumni for their participation and support in the past grad shows. Those shows would not have been so suc- cessful without the strong presence of our past graduates, ‘As we move towards the year 2000 celebration, the ECIAD alumni will be called upon to participate in many special events. With the growth of our graduation classes and the increased com: plexity of our presentations, much more support is needed to facil- tate these graduation events. More than ever before, assistance from the alumni is needed. The alumni have always played an important part ina vari- | ety of roles during the grad evenings of the past. They have helped to host bars, acted as the general assistants to the facilities office and carried out public relations and liaison with guests. The Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design is extremely proud of past gradu: ates and hopes to encourage members to continue to feel a part of | the institute culture. The alumni provide the definite link for the new ‘graduate to the larger art and design community. The members of the Graduation Coordinating Committee, the institute at large and the graduation class warmly welcome any support and assistance that you may give this year. You may con- tact Greg Bellerby, acting chair of the ECIAD Alumni Association at 844-2806, or myself, Randy Bradley at 844-2863, or write c/o The Grad Show Coordinating Committee to find out what you can do. thanks for your support! Influx: Magazine February 1999 17