I'd like to say "Welcome back, faithful readers of Mighty Goo! Welcome back to a fresh, new scholastic season and another wacky year of video column mania!" I'd like to say that, but, well, there are no faithful Mighty Goo readers. As far as I can tell, I'm just kept around because I keep scoring free tickets to stuff for my editor, Corinna. I guess I'm sort of like a prostitute. (By the way, if any of you would like to become an Officially Faithful Mighty Goo Reader, send $5 and a photograph of yourself to the Influx office c/o Ben Smith. I'll take checks, and in return you can have a free autographed copy of Influx - should supplies allow. And the next time you stop by you can take me for a beer at the Cat's Meow, too.) Today's topic: movies with midgets. You know, it's sad, but midgets are typically overlooked in the universe of film magic. It's none too often that you'll see a movie treating them as anything more than a ridiculous object of exploitation. We've all seen WWF midget wrestling, right? And midget bowling? I still can't believe midget bowling exists. Midgets are people, too. It's albinos that deserve discrimination. the man with the colden cun Starring Roger Moore, directed by Guy Hamilton. (1975) James Bond! You bet. In this one, that guy who played Tattoo on Fantasy Island (the guy who would always yell out "Look master, plane!" to Ricardo Montalban like some sad little lapdog) plays the conniving right hand man to the three-nippled villain, played with apomb by Christopher Lee. Admittedly, he's no Oddjob, but Tattoo (Herve Villechaize) makes a memorable impression. That could just be because Roger Moore is so bad as Bond. I must be the only person alive who thinks that Timothy Dalton was actually really good. In The Living Daylights, anyway (which I still contend is the best Bond film of all, next to Goldfinger). Scenes to watch for: a pair of schoolgirls beating the crap out of a bunch of ninja guys while Jimbo watches. Legend Starring Tom Cruise, directed by Ridley Scott (before he turned into a schlock filmmaker). (1985) Ridley Scott, like George Lucas (who also featured a midget in his debut, THX 1138 ), seems to have a soft spot for the little folk (see Blade Runner). In Legend, a sort of freaky fairy tale about the battle between light and darkness that has Tom (who looks particularly young and feminine) running about saving damsels from castles filled with demons, the dwarves are relegated to secondary characters. They are not, however, shafted. In fact, they are given many of the best comedic lines, and two are in the band of brave rescuers who join with Tom to save the dame. I think one of the dwarves is played by the beady-eyed Billy Barty. Scenes to watch for: every moment with the head demon (Tim Curry). willow Starring Warwick Davis and Val Kilmer, directed by Ron Howard. (1988) Perhaps the ultimate of midget films, [Willow is a pretty keen little fantasy flick, even though the era of its release dates it dialogue and design just a bit]. Centring around the adventures of Warwick Davis (in the titular role. He also played Wicket in Return Of The Jedi, and he made an appearance in The Phantom Menace, too. I think he was also the Leprachaun in the Leprachaun series - see below) as he tries to protect a special baby from an evil queen. Lots of cool medieval action. Scenes to watch for: Warwick and Val bitching at each other in their first meeting. Leprechaun 1-3 Starring Warwick Davis. (1992, 1993, and 1995) Yep, Warwick certainly is prolific. Say, is it true that they're using tall people for the roles of the hobbits in the new Lord of the Rings trilogy? Does anyone else think that's just retarded? Especially when you've got an actor like Warwick around. This guy was born to play Frodo, or, with a little make-up, Bilbo. I mean, come on! Not only is he the right size, he's a good actor! Not like that reject from The Spy Who Shagged Me. I'll bet Warwick was plenty pissed about that Lord of the Rings casting. Well, at least George Lucas appreciates him. Scenes to watch for: Frosted Lucky Charms! They're magically delicious! VIDEO SUGGESTIONS FOR THE SOCIALLY BASEMENT-RIDDEN the ewok adventure Starring Warwick Davis. (1984 or 85, I think.) Well, Warwick is just the man, isn't he? Here he resumes his groundbreaking role of the adorable Ewok, Wicket (who first appeared in Return Of The Jedi). When a family of four space travellers crash lands on Endor, the two parents get kidnapped by a big ugly monster. Wicket heroicly rushes to the aid of the children, and together they set off on a rescue mission. Naturally, more Ewoks are enlisted along the way, and, naturally as well, the heroes murder the big ugly monster at the end. And you know what, the monster was probably just misunderstood and lonely. I mean, he didn't eat the parents, did he? Fucking Ewoks. Scenes to watch for: it's all good. Just make sure you never watch the shite sequel, The Ewok Adventure. even pbwarfs started small Starring...dwarves. I don't know. Directed by Werner Herzog. (1971) You're just going to have to watch this one. Look for it. the year of Living pangerously Starring Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver, directed by Peter Weir. (1982) Now, the real star of this film is neither Gibson nor Weaver. It's Gibson's character's friend, played by Linda Hunt. The lady isn't technically a midget, I don't think. But she is engaged by some degree of dwarfism, and the meatiness of her role is quite notable. It's Indonesia just before the Vietnam War breaks out, and it's all about recklessness, passion, and journalism. That doesn't sound too crazy, but keep in mind that this is a film by the man who brought us Picnic At Hanging Rock and The Truman Show. So it's actually sort of freaky. Scenes to watch for: check out Linda Hunt's ears! Freaky ears! And remember, sports fans, you can get all of these fine features at the wondrous Black Dog Video (up on Cambie and 18th, conveniently located beside the liquor store). Actually, they don't have Willow, because somebody stole it. But they'll probably have everything else. Ta-ta, and don't forget that you can buy my love with booze. ce their opinions... 4 InFlux ECIAD, Room 140 North Building, 1399 Johnston Street, Vancouver BC,V6H 3R9, or via e-mail to: influx@eciad.bc.ca. tel: (604) 844-3861 Td like to say "Welcome back, faithful readers of Mighty Goo! Welcome back to a fresh, new scholastic season and another wacky year of video column mania!” I'd like to say that, but well, there are no faithful Mighty Goo readers. ‘As far as I can tel, I'm just kept around because I keep scoring free tickets to stuf for my editor, Corinna. I guess I'm sort of like a prostitute. (By the way, iFany of you would Tike to become an Officially Faithful Mighty Goo Reader, send '$5 and a photograph of yourself to the Influx office c/o Ben Smith, I'l take checks, and in return you can have a free autographed copy of Influx - should supplies allow. And the next time you stop by you can take me fora beer at the Cat's Meow, t00.) ‘Today's topic: movies with midgets. You know, it's sad, but midgets are typically ‘overlooked in the universe of film magic. It's none too often that you'll see a movie treating them as anything more than a ridiculous object of exploitation. We've all seen WWF midget wrestling, righ And midget bowling? 1 still can't believe midgee bowling exist Midgets are people, too. It's albinos that deserve discrimination. the wan with the oolden oun Starting Roger Moote, directed by Guy Hamilton. (1975) James Bond! You bet. In this one, that guy who played Tattoo on Fantasy Island (the guy who would always yell out "Look master, plane!” to Ricardo Montalban like ‘some sad litle lapdog) plays the conniving right hand man to the three-nippled villain, played with apomb by Christopher ittedly, he's no Oddjob, but Tattoo (Herve makes a memorable impression. That could just bbe because Roger Moore isso bad as Bond. I must be the ‘only person alive who thinks that Timothy Dalton was actually really good. In The Living Daylights, anyway (which I still‘contend is the best Bond film of al, next to Goldfinger). Scenes to watch for: a pair of schoolgirls beating the crap out of a bunch of ninja guys while Jimbo watches. Legend Starring Tom Cruise, directed by Ridley Scott (before he ‘turned into a schlock filmmaker). (1985) Ridley Scott, like George Lucas (who also featured a midget in his debut, THX 1138), seems to have a sof spot for the ltd folk (see Blade Runner). In Legend, a sore of freaky fairy tle about the battle berween light and darkness that has Tom (who looks particularly young and feminine) running about saving damsels from castes filled with demons, the dwarves are relegated to secondary characters. ‘They are not, however, shafted. In fact, they are given many of the best ‘comedic lines, and two are in the band of brave rescuers who with Tom to save the dame. I think one of the dwarves is played by the beady-eyed Billy Barty. Scenes to watch for: every moment demon (Tim Curry). the head willow Starring Warwick Davis and Val Kilmer, directed by Ron Howard. (1988) Perhaps the ultimate of midget films, [Willow is a pretty keen litte fantasy flick, even though the era of its release dates it dialogue and design just abit). Centring around the adventures of Warwick Davis (in the titular role. He also played Wicket in Return OF The Jedi, and he made an appearance in The Phantom Menace, oo. I think he was also the Leprachaun in the Leprachaun series - see below) as he tries to protect a special baby from an evil queen. Lots of cool medieval action. ‘Scenes to watch for: Warwick and Val bitching at cach other in their first meeting. Leprechaun 1-3 Starring Warwick Davis. (1992, 1993, and 1995) Yep, Warwick certainly is prolific. Say, is ic true that they're using tll people for the roles ofthe hobbits in the new Lord of the Rings trilogy? Does anyone else think that's just retarded? Especially when you've got an actor like ‘Warwick around. This guy was born to play Frodo, or, with a litle make-up, Bilbo. I mean, come on! Not only is he the right size, he's a good actor! Not like that reject from The Spy ‘Who Shagged Me. I'l bet Warwick was plenty pissed about that Lord of the Rings casting. Well, at least George Lucas appreciates him. Scenes to watch for: Frosted Lucky Charms! ‘They're magically delicious! VIDEO SUGGESTIONS FOR THE SOCIALLY GBASEMENT-RIDDEN the evok adventure Starring Warwick Davis. (1984 or 85, I think.) ‘Well, Warwick is just the man, isnt he? Here he resumes his groundbreaking role of the adorable Ewok, ‘Wicket (who first appeared in Return Of The Jedi). When a family of four space travellers crash lands on Endor, the two parents get kidnapped by a big ugly monster. Wicket heroicly rushes tothe aid of the children, and together they set off on a rescue mission, Naturally, more Ewoks are enlisted along the ‘way, and, naturally as wel, the heroes murder the big ugly monster at the end. And you know what, the monster was probably just misunderstood and lonely. I mean, he didn't eat the parents, did he? Fucking Ewoks. Scenes to watch for: it's all good. Just make sure ‘you never watch the shite sequel, The Ewok Adventure. even ouarfs started snall Starring..dwarves. I don't know. Directed by Werner Herzog. (1971) You're just going to have to watch this one. Look for it the vear of Living oangerousty Starting Mel Gibson and Sigourney Weaver, directed by Peter Weir. (1982) Now, the real star of this film is neither Gibson nor ‘Weaver. I's Gibson's characters friend, played by Linda Hunt. The lady isn’t technically a midget, Idon’t think. Bur she is engaged by some degree of dwarfism, and the meatiness ‘of her role is quite notable. It’s Indonesia just before the ‘Vietnam War breaks out, and it's all about recklessness, passion, and journalism. ‘That doesnt sound too crazy, but keep in mind that this isa film by the man who brought us Picnic At Hanging Rock and The Truman Show. So i's actually sort of freaky. Scenes to watch for: check out Linda Hunt's ears! Freaky ears! ‘And remember, sports fans, you can get all of these fine features at the wondrous Black Dog Video (up on Cambie and 18th, conveniently located beside the liquor store). ‘Actually, they don't have Willow, because somebody stole it. But theyll probably have everything else. Ta-ta, and don't forget that you can buy my love with booze.