Ben Smithsa mighty VIDEO SUGGESTIONS FOR THE SOCIALLY BASEMENT-RIDDEN APRIL 2001 In light of the fact that summer is now upon us (or, as us Ontario transplants understand it, that it's been upon us for the last five years or so) and in light of the fact that almost none of my fellow art students have developed any sense of humour, | feel morally obliged to recommend in this, our semester's final issue, some Fun Movies. Should anyone out there be relaxing on their porch with a slurpee on a hot sum- mer afternoon, | don't want you going inside and watching Basquiat or Before Night Falls or The Agony And The Ecxtasy or something like that. Please. I've seen lots of good artists turn into Artists, the colour in their cheeks and clothes drained from them entirely, their lives devoid of joy. Please, should the urge arise, watch one of the following. Do it for me. Do it for yourself. Save your soul. Return Of The Killer Tomatoes Starring Michael Villani, John Astin, and George Clooney (back in the big hair days), directed by John De Bello. (1988) Nothing saves souls better than Return Of The Killer Tomatoes! |f you've seen its predecessor, Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes, well, |'m sorry. But this one's really good! Really! This time, a mad scientist is mak- ing tomatoes that actually look like people, except there's this one tomato that does look like a tomato only he's fuzzy so they call him FT. (Fuzzy _ Tomato), and there're these guys who work in a pizza place but there's no tomato sauce allowed because of the crazy tomatoes in the first movie, and, well, it’s all really funny. As Godfather I/ is to Godfather I, so is Return Of The Killer Tomatoes to Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes. Except Attack wasn't any good. Scenes to watch for: the film halting production as the crew discusses union issues. Better Off Dead & One Crazy Summer BETTER OFF DEAD Starring John Cusack, both directed by Savage Steve Holland. (1985 & 1986) While essentially the same movie (hard-done by teen © in love with gorgeous girl dating high school jock who's actually twice the age of a high school stu- dent, replete with ill- advised heavy synth music video moments), and : while sounding suspiciously similar to every other eighties teen romance films, Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer miraculously managed to rise above the dreck of their genre through sheer wacky humour. | mean, in Better Off Dead, there's a scene where Cusack, our teen hero in both flicks, is trying to hang himself in the garage (throughout the film he keeps trying to kill himself with no success...that sounds hor- rible, but it's super funny...that sounds horrible, too, but it is funny). His mother comes in just as he’s reconsidering and bumps him with the door, and then he almost dies! Hoo! Ha ha...ah. Hem...maybe you should just watch the movie. Really, though, what other movies can you think of that feature lots of suicide humour, cheesy teen romance, naive drug addicts sniffing jello to test the high, fuzzy bunny cartoon animations, Demi Moore, obsessive paper boys, skiing, boating, foreign exchange students forced to live with fat people, and Godzilla attack scenes? And John Cusack, too? C'mon! The Big Lebowski Starring Jeff Bridges, directed by the Coen Brothers. (1998) : When Jeff Bridges decides F : to act he's actually pretty good, and it certainly was fortuitous that he decided to do it in a Coen Brothers film. We got attack ferrets, crazy German nihilists, cowboys, bowling, flying naked artists, and even Steve Buscemi. Scenes to watch for: the scattering of a dead friend's ashes on a windy beach. Dazed And Confused Starring various glassy-eyed young potheads, directed by Richard Linklater. (1993) Ah, school's out and the reefer madness has begun with a good soundtrack. That's pretty much the plot. By the way, is it still hip to say “reefer"? Or am | just a jive turkey? Am | macking on your daddy? Am | cutting your jib? any of the Buck Rogers or Flash Gordon serials circa 1936-1940 and featuring Buster Crabbe. You wanna see where George Lucas got all of his ideas? Everthing from the scrolling opening text to the costumes to the story elements to Luke Skywalker's leitmotif, it was all here first and it was way better. Don't get me wrong, | really like Star Wars, but noth- ing can compare to these nail-biting cliffhanger serials, and noone, not even Indiana Jones himself, can com- pare heroics with Larry “Buster” Crabbe (he plays both Buck and Flash, although not at the same time). This guy is like Captain Kirk, Han Solo, and Captain America all rolled into one. Hunt these serials down and check them out. Scenes to watch for: literally everything. It's a thrill a minute with these old serials. Oh, and watch for the spaceships made out of milk cartons. 9To 5 Starring Jane Fonda and Dolly Parton, directed by Colin Higgins. (1980) | dare you. Scenes to watch for: Dolly smoking the Maui-wowie. Joe's Apartment Starring Jerry O'Connell, directed by John Payson. (1996) This one goes out to all my friends who're heading off to New York this summer. In what | think is the first of the MTV movie releases (MTV movie: read as quick editting and camerawork. Like a feature length music video), O'Connell plays a country rube who heads to the big city to make it big and become a man. In New York, this means get- ting mugged a lot, living in an apartment with singing cockroaches, finding bloody artists lying on the street, and getting a job as a used urinal cake collector. If I'm not mistaken, | believe there is some sort of romance sub-plot, but that's inconsequential. Scenes to watch for: Jerry getting mugged right when he steps off the bus in New York. I'm sure the tourism board loved this film. Addtional Viewing: EVERYONE should go and check Kier-La Janisse- Wood's Cinemuerte Festival this sum- mer. It runs from July 5 to July 14 at the Pacific Cinematheque. Films this year will include: Cannibal Holocaust (the most horrifying flick that I've ever been privy to), Subconscious Cruelty (described as the most gory thing to come out of Canada), Friday the 13th Part III in 3D (is that cool or what?), Flesh For Frank-enstein (with Udo Kier in attendance), and a whole lot more depravity. For more info, check out the Cine-muerte website at cinemuerte.com. Ben Smith's. mighty VIDEO SUGGESTIONS FOR THE SOCIALLY BASEMENT-RIDDEN APRIL 2001 In light of the fact that summer is now upon us (or, as us Ontario transplants understand it, that it's been upon us for the last five years or so) and in light of the fact that almost none of my fellow art students have developed any sense of humour, | feel morally obliged to recommend in this, our semesters final issue, some Fun Movies. Should anyone out there be relaxing on their porch with a slurpee on a hot sum- ‘mer afternoon, | don’t want you going inside and watching Basquiat or Before Night Falls or The Agony ‘And The Ecxtasy or something like that. Please. I've seen lots of good artists turn into Artists, the colour in their cheeks and clothes drained from them entirely, their lives devoid of joy. Please, should the urge arise, watch one of the following. Do it for me. Do it for yourself. Save your soul Return Of The Killer Tomatoes Starring Michael Villani, John Astin, and George Clooney (back in the big hair days), directed by John De Bello. (1988) Nothing saves souls better than Return Of The Killer Tomatoest If you've seen its predecessor, Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes, well, 'm sorry. But this one's really good! Really! This time, a mad scientist is mak- ing tomatoes that actually look like people, except there's this one tomato that does look like a tomato only he's fuzzy so they call him ET. (Fuzzy Tomato), and there're these guys who work in a pizza place but there's no tomato sauce allowed because of the crazy tomatoes in the first movie, and, well, it’ all really funny. As Godfather Il is to Godfather 1, so is Return Of The Killer Tomatoes to Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes. Except Attack wasn't any good ‘Scenes to watch for: the film halting production as the crew discusses union issues. Better Off Dead & One Cray Summer BETTEROFF DEAD Starring John Cusack, both directed by Savage Steve Holland, (1985 & 1986) While essentially the same movie (hard-done by teen in love with gorgeous girl dating high school jock ‘who's actually twice the age of a high school stu- dent, replete with ill advised heavy synth music video moments), and while sounding suspiciously similar to every other eighties teen romance films, Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer miraculously managed to rise above the dreck of their genre through sheer wacky humour. | mean, in Better Off Dead, there's a scene where Cusack, our teen hero in both flicks, is trying to hang himself in the garage (throughout the film he keeps trying to kill himself with no success...that sounds hor- rible, but is super funny...that sounds horrible, too, but it is funny). His mother comes in just as he's reconsidering and bumps him with the door, and then he almost dies! Hoo! Ha ha...ah. Hem...maybe you should just watch the movie. Really, though, what other movies can you think of that feature lots of suicide humour, cheesy teen romance, naive drug addicts sniffing jello to test the high, fuzzy bunny cartoon animations, Demi Moore, obsessive paper boys, skiing, boating, foreign exchange students forced to live with fat people, and Godzilla attack scenes? And John Cusack, too? C'mon! The Big Lebowski Starring Jeff Bridges, directed by the Coen Brothers. (1998) When Jeff Bridges decides to act he's actually pretty good, and it certainly was fortuitous that he decided to do it in a Coen Brothers film. We got attack ferrets, crazy German nihilists, cowboys, bowling, flying naked artists, and even Steve Buscemi Scenes to watch for: the scattering of a dead friend's ashes on a windy beach. Dazed And Confused Starring various glassy-eyed young potheads, directed by Richard Linklater. (1993) ‘Ah, school's out and the reefer madness has begun with a good soundtrack. That's pretty much the plot. By the way, ist still hip to say “reefer”? Or am | just a jive turkey? Am | macking on your daddy? Am | cutting your jib? any of the Buck Rogers or Flash Gordon serials circa 1936-1940 and featuring Buster Crabbe. You wanna see where George Lucas got all of his ideas? Everthing from the scrolling opening text to the costumes to the story elements to Luke Skywalker's leitmotif,it was all here first and it was way better. Don't get me wrong, I really ike Star Wars, but noth- ing can compare to these nail-biting cliffhanger serials, and noone, not even Indiana Jones himself, can com- pare heroics with Larry “Buster” Crabbe (he plays both Buck and Flash, although not at the same time), This guy is ike Captain Kirk, Han Solo, and Captain ‘America all rolled into one. Hunt these serials down and check them out. ‘Scenes to watch for: literally everything. It's a thrill a ‘minute with these old serials. Oh, and watch for the spaceships made out of milk cartons. 9705 Starring Jane Fonda and Dolly Parton, directed by Colin Higgins. (1980) I dare you Scenes to watch for: Dolly smoking the Maui-wowie. Joe's Apartment Starring Jerry O'Connell, directed by John Payson. (1996) This one goes out to all my friends who're heading off to New York this summer. In what | think isthe first of the MTV movie releases (MTV movie: read as quick editting and camerawork. Like a feature length music video), O'Connell plays a country rube who heads to the big city to make it big and become a man. In New York, this means get- ting mugged a lot, living in an apartment with singing cockroaches, finding bloody artists lying on the street and getting a job as a used urinal cake collector. If I'm ‘not mistaken, | believe there is some sort of romance sub-plot, but that's inconsequential. Scenes to watch for: Jerry getting mugged right when he steps off the bus in New York. I'm sure the tourism board loved this film. Addtional Viewing: EVERYONE should go and check Kier-La Janisse-Wood's Cinemuerte Festival this sum- ‘mer, It runs from July 5 to July 14 at the Pacific Cinematheque. Films this year will include: Cannibal Holocaust (the most horrifying flick that I've ever been privy to), Subconscious Cruelty (described as the most gory thing to come out of Canada), Friday the 13th Part Ill in 3D (is that cool or what?), Flesh For Frank-enstein (with Udo Kier in attendance), and a whole lot more depravity. For more info, check out the Cine-muerte website at cinemuerte.com. 29 _(@)