THERE IS NO
EXCUSE FOR

VELOUR.

DRESSED TO

brooke hannah

The time to re-dress is upon us. You are being scrutinized and
criticized at every turn without knowledge. At any time, many
of you tread precariously close to... fashion violation.

A small but intense group of fashion police patrol plazas, malls,
and general public hot spots, sometimes cleverly disguised be-
hind polyester, other times posing as art students. THERE IS NO
EXCUSE FOR VELOUR. This may bring about the stiffest of
penalties to such an offender. If you are at all concerned about
such flagrancies, it is your duty to make a citizen’s arrest and
save these delinquents from further humiliation. A note to future
offenders, think of what a conviction of this nature would do to
your family, and worse yet, your fashionable friends. I’ve seen
people shunned for less than indiscreetly worn striped tube
socks.

Just a few of the abuses of good taste being carried on as you
read include, the wearing of idiot straps on regular reading
glasses and sparkling metallic Converse runners. As you can
see, the fashion police are terribly overworked and disgrun-
tled. Why, just the other evening, to an amazed audience, a vet-
eran offender actually was proud to flaunt a mauve knicker en-
semble, complete with gold pinstripes. This sort of thing should
not be allowed to continue. Luckily for her, all fashion violation
ticket books were momentarily unavailable. However, not
more than a week later, a much younger man did not escape
his deserved punishment so easily. Clad in whiter than white, a
multicoloured sequined American eagle winking from the back
of his jacket, the sorry offender cont.

illustration/anna barton

Ul