36 planet of the arts / december 1997 ANXIETIES Bummed out by bad etiquette? Snagged about sex? Personal hygiene have you in a quandary? Straight- jacketted by P.C.? Have a question that needs answering? Submit to Ms. Manners, c/o Planet of the Arts. Ms. Manners is a nationally syndicated column. Dear Ms. Manners, My wife and I are having a difference of opin- ion. Does one serve from the right and clear from the left, or serve from the left and clear from the right? Signed, DR Dear DR, And you think you have problems! These days even I can’t sit at a crowded dinner table. I’ve been eating a lot of garlic lately, trying to get rid of this flu that I’ve had for weeks. The smell is terrible and 1 get this awful B.O. — that ‘European’ smell, if you know what I mean. Especially with all that body hair from not having shaved my armpits since last Christmas. And the garlic just seems to enhance the smell. It’s wrecking all of my wool clothes... I can’t go anywhere. Even when I load myself down BEAUTY TREATMENTS Penile Enlargement CUSTOM VACUUM OR SURGICAL GAIN 1°-3". PERMANENT, SAFE ENHANCE ERECTION FREE BROCHURE CALL DR. JOEL KAPLAN (312)409-1950 PERMENANT HAIR Removal for men. Male electrologist, all body areas, new clients spe- cial, buy 5 hrs. - get 1 free. 878-0334. 209 CURRENT JOB Unemployed. SKILLS Street performance, pan handling, and surviving ‘til Welfare Wednesday. IDEAL JOB Paid artist. PHONE 844-3861 TO HELP REAL JO Answers to your questions about social etiquette, sex, and matters of personal hygiene. Pear Ms. Manners with those French perfumes, it still ‘hangs’ in the air. And it’s especially nasty when I’m clearing the dinner table, waving my arms around, with my armpits level to the guests’ noses. The doctors tell me there’s nothing wrong and continue to send me off in search of my own cure. How do they know what’s really wrong with me anyway? They were the ones that told me to eat the garlic in the first place. And now that I think about it, how do they know that the B.O. isn’t just from the armpit hair/garlic combo, but from something else? You could go your whole life thinking you just have B.O. from an overactive sweat gland, ora bad itch that won't go away, or bad gas, and then one day you find out that all along it was really a mal- functioning organ hidden deep inside your body, out of public view. : So, I poked around and read a little on my own. I went to the health food store to buy a bot- tle of those odourless garlic capsules, but they cost $17.99 compared to the 59 cents for a pound of bulbs. I figured at a bottle a week, I’d be paying about $75.00 a month. I could buy another wool sweater with that kind of cash, or if I waited for the Christmas sales, I could pick up a suit jacket! All the medical books tell you to do is to wash a lot and wear antiperspirant — you know, the kind that contains toxic aluminum. It blocks my pores and stops the outpouring of sweat for a while but when it let’s up it feels weird, like someone’s drib- bling down my arm.... And oh, the fumes! If youre of the female persuasion, it runs down from under your chest too. I didn’t like the way that felt so I did a little more research on my own. I consulted a homeopath. She had a bad cold and spent the whole visit blowing her nose and sneezing over and over again into the same flow- ered handkerchief. She gave me these little pills that I wasn’t allowed to touch or else they would lose their vibration (I’m hoping she didn’t touch them either). I was supposed to put them in the bottle top and then toss them under my tongue. Weird, but it must work because she had a waiting room packed with people clutching their cheque books. ILLUSTRATION BY CHRISTINE CARTER The homeopathic motto is like cures like. Let’s say you have insomnia. Everyone knows that coffee keeps you wide awake, but homeopaths will make you take a little coffee pill to put you to sleep. Kind of like doing the opposite of what you should be doing. See, the doctor wanted to stop my sweating by using toxic deodorants and the homeopath letter ‘c’ work as a antidote to homeopathy, like coffee, chocolate, camphor, cloves, and any cos- metic product like perfume, toothpaste, mouth- wash, and...deodorant. So much for that. Next, I was at the bookstore buying a book on “natural” remedies. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me and people giving each other the “look” when I came around. It’s not that I mind the attention, but by then I'd stopped tak- ing the garlic and | still smelled. | was despondent. So with all the talk about St John’s wart being Nature’s Prozac, | made an appointment with the herbal- ist. He also couldn't tell me why I smelled but reprimanded me for self- medicating. Then he gave me a mixture of stuff to take for the flu. I was sup- posed to take some weird herb/juice cure and then if there was some leftover I was supposed to give it to my partner to drink for his impotence (herbs can have multiple uses). But I don’t think my partner was thinking about his libido. What he really wanted was to be with someone whose armpits didn’t stink. : With so many ways to go and such little cash left, I had to think carefully about which way I was going with all this stuff. I still hadit tried biofeedback, reflexology, or rubbed any smelly stuff on my body. Acupuncture wanted me to sweat the toxins out. Seems my body had built up so much garlic that I’'d have to take a little more garlic to get rid of the armpit odour originally caused by the garlic. Why couldn’t she just cut to the chase and sneeze on me. Maybe then I'd get rid of my flu and I could stop eating the gar- lic altogether. With all the money I’m paying her, | could buy myself a fresh lot of long sleeved clothes. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind trying this alternative therapy stuff. It’s just that there were things I couldn’t do while I was taking the little pills. Seems that a lot of things that start with the is definitely out — I can’t figure out how they get those needles so far in there. Maybe they probe those organs, the ones that are out of public view. It’s so confusing: osteopathy, aromatherapy, meditation, positive thinking, pills, herbs, oils, hypnosis, allopathic, naturopathic, symptomatic... it’s all so confusing, having to decide on all these cures... it's making me break out into a nervous sweat. I think I feel a dose of B.O. coming on. p.s. Serve from the left, remove from the right. Ol Impotence. Now there’s an easy solution. ErecAid® System Esteern~« By prescription only Safe e Effective ¢Lowest lifetime cost e Best accepted by patients 36 plonet of the orts / december 1997 ANXIETIES Bummed out by bad eiguete? Sngged about sex? Persona gi ve you in a quandary? Sraigh jacketed by AC? Have a question that needs ‘answering? Submit to Ms, Manners, lo Planet ofthe Arts Ms. Manners is a nationally syndicated column, Dear Ms. Manners, ‘My wife and Lare having difference of opin jon, Does one serve fom the right and clea from the left, or serve from the left and clear from the right Signed, DR Dear DR, ‘And you think you have problems! These days it ata crowded dinner able. ve been lot of gar lately, trying to get id ofthis Ay that veh for wecks. The smell isterible and I get this afl BLO. — that ‘European’ sel i you ‘know what I mean. Especially with al that body hair from not having shaved my armpits since ast Christmas. And the garlic just scem to enhance the smell. Ws wrecking all of my woo! clothes. anit go anywhere. Even when I load myself down BEAUTY TREATMENTS Penile Enlargement CUSTOM VACUUM OR SURGICAL GAIN 1°. ERMANENT, SAFE [ENHANCE ERECTION’ FREE BROCHURE CALL DR. JOEL KAPLAN (312)409-1950 209 PERMENANT HAIR Removal for mon, Male ‘lecrologs, all body ial buy Shs. - gett Answers to your questions about social etiquette, sex, and matters of personal hygiene. Dear Ms. Manners sith those French perfumes, it til hangs’ in the air, And is expecially nasty when 'm clearing the inner able, waving my arms around, with my armpits level to the guests noses. The doctors tel ‘me there's nothing wrong and continue tosend me cf in search of my own cure, How do they know that told me to eat the gai inthe rst place. And now that {think about it, how do they mpit haie/atic combo, bt from something le? You now that the BO. st just from could go your whole life thinking you just have 58.0. from an overactive sweat land, ora bad itch that won't go away, or bad as, and then one day you find out that all along it was really a mal: Functioning organ hidden deep inside your body, ‘out of public view So, 1 poked around and read litle on my ‘own, I went to the health fod store to buy abot. tle of those odourless garlic capsules, but they «cost 17.99 compared tothe 59 cents fora pound of bubs. figured atabottlea week, 'd be paying about $75.00 month could buy another woo! sweater with that kind of eash, or if wate for the Christmas sales, I could pick up a suit jacket! All the medical books tll you to do sto wash a Jot and wear antiperspirant ~ you know the kind that contains toxic aluminum. It blocks my pores and stops the outpouring of sweat fora while but when te’ upit els weed ik someone's rib ling dove my arm. And ob, the fumes! If you're of the female persuasion, it runs down from under your chest too. I dda’ like the way that felt so 1 did a litle more research on 1 consulted a homeopath, She had a bad cold and spent the whole vst owing her nose and necting over and over agin into the same owe ered handkerchief. She gave me thes ite pills that I wasn allowed to touch or le they would lose their vibration (Cm hoping she didn them either. [was supposed 10 p p and then Te homeopathic mottos ike cu say you have insomnia, Everyone kno keeps you wide awake but homeopaths will you take ait coffe pilto put you t of ike doing the opposite of what you should be doing See, the doctor wanted to stop my sweating by using toxic deodorants and the homeopath leer work as a antidote to homeopathy, lke colle, chocolate, camphor, cloves, and any cos: retic product like perfume, toothpaste, mouth was, and. deadorant, So much for tha. ‘Nex, asat the bookstore buying a book on natural” meds. | coud fel everyone's eyes on re and people giving each other the look” when {came around, I's nt that | mind the attention, but by then Ti stopped tak ing the gic and still smelled. 1 vas