Title:Should | Kill Myself or Go See a Matinee?
A series of movie-going experiences reviewed for the amusement of those
who think they are in the movies all the time.

Carter Hayes

In October | went to see Swollen Members
making a music video. | was speechless. Then the
production manager came over, sat down, and
frankly plunked her two cell phones down on the
table and she said: "Tell me who you are and what
you're doing here." "Ok, bicth." | thought, "I'll tell
you." Later that evening, | found myself at the
arcade with my two friends. | became so apathetic
to my surroundings that my friends began to
worry. | suddenly felt sick and pale. | was over-
come with sucicdal ideation. "Il couldn't take this
anymore if | wanted to," | whispered to myself. |
needed air. | went outside and | sat there and |
smoked a cigarette like it was a joint. "Death
could be better than all this pain." This became
my new mantra for the evening. | was about to
throw myself into traffic when my companions
came out and dragged me to go see a movie to
keep me from hurting myself. "The One" is the
worst movie i've seen all year. It's just terrible.
"This is going to push me over the edge into
panic," | thought feverishly. Soundtrack by Papa
Roach. Jet Li may be a legend but this is not only
the worst kung fu movie he's made, it's the worst
kung fu movie ever made. Entertainment Tonight is
a thespian masterpeice in comparison. After it was
over, | went to the bathroom and thought "Why do
| live for this?" | wiped away tears of fury then
pulled myself together and followed them into the
climax of Thirteen Ghosts. There is something to
be said for studying a super high production value
that drips with set and character design. Then the
unexpected took place. One of the thirteen ghosts
stopped me dead in my tracks. The ghost of a
young, glamorous, and obviously pornographic

model who haunts the bathroom where she slit
her wrists. Due somewhat to my emotional state
at the time | began to sigh and lust after her. |
longed to hold the ghost of her grey and decaying
body in my arms, to run my hands over her long,
wet, greasy hair and tell her that | understand why
she did it. To tell her that it's ok. That | love her. In
that theatre a dark obsessive fantasy had taken
hold. "What is this? What does it mean?" | asked
myself. "| haven't had thoughts like this since the
first time | saw Grace Kelly in High Noon." |
cast a sidelong glance in the direction of my
friends. Could they sense my intensity? My inter-
est was too great. Did she kill herself because her
manufactured beauty was too isolating? Too
painful? Isolated in a world where only the superfi-
cal could care. And if they do care at all, | rea-
soned, It's just so they can use her. Exploit what
she has made herself in order to be exploited in
that same exact way. Just so they can fuck her.
Just so she can be fucked. Such a puzzle of imag-
ined tragedy for me to swoon at in my time of
need. Not actually knowing what her role was
added to the mystery and | wanted her even more.
Her processed image flickered sporadically
through-out the end of the movie. | could think of
nothing else but her. Then the happy epilogue
concludes and she is gone from my life forever.
Such is life and my romance between those who
watch and those who are seen on the silver
screen, alas. If you clock production styles and
really want to know and understand the movie
making process then for this reason, and this rea-
son alone you should watch a small part of thir-
teen ghosts. That said, let's call a spade a spade,

shall we? An over-the-top approach is the only
way to make a pyjama party movie work. Just ask
Harvey Weinstein. Thirteen Ghosts pushes the
pyjama party movie envelope and sets the new
standard to which all following pyjama party
movies must now adhere and exceed. It looks cut-
ting-edge great and it sounds hyper-real fantastic,
but is it? Why, it isn't even good! And they will
NEVER be good! Just keep throwing cash at it,
boys! Isn't that sad? People die because this is
where all our money and attention goes. Why feed
starving children when we can make a better pyja-
ma party movie? This is our big cultural and social
perogative. This is what is important to us in our
declining society. This is what we live for. No won-
der | want to top myself off sometimes. The hon-
est truth is professional filmmaking is, in nature,
fascism combined with capitalism, tv, marketing
and meticulous demographic and psychological
research. And there you have it: Welcome to the
wonderful world of entertainment. Honestly, are
you going to tell me should | take the bus for the
rest of my life? That | should | starve myself crazy
just for you and what you think good art is? As if
you're not a hypocrite! One day, I'll make a pyja-
ma party movie that will knock your socks off. Just
you watch. If you care, you'd send me a dark blue
linen english cut trench coat with buttons. 44 long.
Send it care of this magazine and make sure it
has pockets. Thanks.

Sign off:

Remeber: box office warfare kills real people ()