“The English Teacher” pt.4.Jappaweirdo by TJ Anzai Rumor has it originating from the sea; the result of an unnatural gestation of mistakenly dumped nuclear waste, heavy alloys, seaweed, raw fish, and a turtle. It surfaced near a remote fishing village where witnesses claimed the creature rose out of the water and lay waste to the town with it’s breath ray before fleeing inland. There are other stories that have this creature coming from the land itself. The igneous activity that formed this archipelago along with the continuing activity of the unstable subterrain, rumble and rock this country with such frequency, one wonders what sorts of things are loosened down below. And then there is the sky. Two considerably sizeable worlds of hurting fell from the sky this century. It changed the trajectory of the sunrise around this country and the consequences of it could very well have affected the nation on a biochemical level. It's possible that the creature could have been freed when the dual big bangs cracked the country open like a roasted nut. This creature, this behemoth, this unstoppable force smashed and stomped this country into breadcrumbs and beat down all countermeasures with it's incredible breath ray power and pink neon eye beam. The Japanese Ground Self-Defence Forces (they're not allowed to call it an army) were ineffective, only angering the beast into singing Billy Joel and ABBA karaoke songs which instantly vaporized the troops into squid ink. The Japanese government then called in the Air Self-Defence Forces (nope, they're not allowed to call it an air force). The citi- zens, watching live footage of the monster battle royal at home on their television sets, sat in nervous anticipation after the commentator announced that the Air Self-Defense Forces would unleash the latest prototype fighter craft which most of the 15-30 males recognized from a recently released Playstation2 videogame. As the SUC1 (Super-Uber-Craft) approached the creature and locked-on it's deadly prototype laser degenerator, the monster launched it's most villanous secret hidden weapon against the SUC1: the Philip Morris breath of death. Instantly, the SUC1 was engulfed in a thick cloud of smoke and flashy cigarette advertisements causing it to explode. Men who sat glued to their tv sets at home were also affected. Some were thrown into seizures and 80% of them rushed out to the nearest vending machines to buy smokes and beer. This infuriated the government who saw no other option but to enlist the aid of the Americans. “Please, you must help us!” said the Prime Minister of Japan to the American people. (The Prime Minister was unable to com- municate to the American president directly due to the Florida electoral committee's inability to count). “This, this, this weird thing - this Jappaweirdo is destroying us," continued the Prime Minister, “we've sent in our army - | mean the Ground Self-Defence Forces against it and it turned them into the ink of a squid. Then we sent in our air force - | mean the Air Self-Defense Forces against it and Jappaweirdo turned us into heavy smokers. We need your help! You must take some Jappaweirdo! We are a small country and we do not have enough room for this!” “Okay,” replied the Americans. “| think we have some room for Jappaweirdo here. Let's see... Give us those col- orful karate chopping Rangers, and how about that blondie that fights evil by moonlight and saves the day while wearing a high school uniform. And while you're at it, throw in that mutant yellow rabbit that shoots lightning bolts out it's ass, what's it’s name? Pika Pika or something like that?” “Yes, it's a deal,” replied the Prime Minister. “This will save our country. We are forever indebted to you.” “Ya, we know,” answered the Americans. “Just keep those Sonys and Hondas coming, will ya?” After the conversation with the Americans ended, the Prime Minister of Japan let out a sigh of relief. Jappaweirdo was dispersed. The danger had passed. Then the Prime Minister began to laugh - not the “ha ha that's funny” kind of laughter, but a laughter so sinister and wretched that the humidity in Japan hit 95%. “Ha ha ha! Those foolish Americans! What a boom to our economy. For years we've had to put up with their Levis and Ma-ku-do-na-lu-dos (McDonald's). Substandard products! Now they will have to eat the culture of Japan! Ha ha ha.” And with that, the Prime Minister pulled of a computer generated mask to reveal the face of Jappaweirdo. epilogue Weirdness persists here, but everywhere too. Jappaweirdo is really a pretty fun (or funny) thing. | don't want anyone to think of this as Japan-bashing, or feel that it’s okay to do so. We are all weirdos, floating weirdly in a whole world of weirdness. Each geography produces it's own unique weirdos, and no culture is exempt from it. Don't you think Vancouver is weird, with all its sport utility vehicles and coffee drinkers everywhere? Are there weird neighborhoods in Vancouver? Tokyo has some pretty weird spots, namely, Harajuku and Shibuya. Stay tuned for a Harajuku fashion photoessay. Have a wonderful holiday everyone. See you all next year. photo by TJ Anzai “The English Teacher” pt.glappaweirdo by T) Anzai Rumor has it originating from the sea; the result of an unnatural gestation of mistakenly dumped nuclear waste, heavy alloys, seaweed, raw fish, and a turtle. it surfaced near a remote fishing village where witnesses claimed the creature rose out of the water and lay waste to the town with it's breath ray before fleeing inland. There are other stories that have this creature coming from the land itself. The igneous activity that formed this archipelago along with the continuing activity of the unstable subterrain, rumble and rock this country with such frequency, one wonders what sorts of things are loosened down below. ‘And then there is the sky. Two considerably sizeable worlds of hurting fell from the sky this century. It changed the trajectory of the sunrise around this country and the consequences of it could very well have affected the nation on a biochemical level. It's possible that the creature could have been freed when the dual big bangs cracked the country open like a roasted nut. This creature, this behemoth, this unstoppable force smashed and stomped this country into breadcrumbs and beat down all countermeasures with it’s incredible breath ray power and pink neon eye beam. The Japanese Ground Self-Defence Forces (they're not allowed to call it an army) were ineffective, only angering the beast into singing Billy Joel and ABBA karaoke songs which instantly vaporized the troops into squid ink. The Japanese government then called in the Air Self-Defence Forces (nope, they're not allowed to call it an ait force). The citi- zens, watching live footage of the monster battle royal at home on their television sets, sat in nervous anticipation after the commentator announced that the Air Self-Defense Forces would unleash the latest prototype fighter craft Which most of the 15-30 males recognized from a recently released Playstation? videogame. As the SUC1 (Super-Uber-Craft) approached the creature and locked-on it's deadly prototype laser degenerator, the monster launched it's most vllanous secret hidden weapon against the SUC1: the Philip Mortis breath of death. Instantly, the SUC1 was engulfed in a thick cloud of smoke and flashy cigarette advertisements causing it to explode. Men who sat glued to their tv sets at home were also affected. Some were thrown into seizures and 80% of them rushed out to the nearest vending machines to buy smokes and beer. This infuriated the government who saw no other option but to enlist the aid of the Americans. “Please, you must help us!” said the Prime Minister of Japan to the American people. (The Prime Minister was unable to com- municate to the American president directly due to the Florida electoral committee's inability to count). “This, this, this weird thing - this Jappaweirdo is destroying us,” continued the Prime Minister, “we've sent in our army - | mean the Ground Self-Defence Forces against it and it turned them into the ink of a squid. Then we sent in our air force - | mean the Air Self-Defense Forces against it and Jappaweirdo tured us into heavy smokers. We need your help! You must take some Jappaweirdo! We are a small country and we do not have enough room for this!” “Okay,” replied the Americans. “I think we have some room for Jappaweirdo here. Let's see... Give us those col- orful karate chopping Rangers, and how about that blondie that fights evil by moonlight and saves the day while ‘wearing a high school uniform. And while you're at it, throw in that mutant yellow rabbit that shoots lightning bolts out it's ass, what's it's name? Pika Pika or something like that?” “Yes, it’s a deal,” replied the Prime Minister. “This will save our country. We are forever indebted to you.” “Ya, we know," answered the Americans. “Just keep those Sonys and Hondas coming, will ya?” After the conversation with the Americans ended, the Prime Minister of Japan let out a sigh of relief Jappaweirdo was dispersed. The danger had passed. Then the Prime Minister began to laugh - not the “ha ha that's funny” kind of laughter, but a laughter so sinister and wretched that the humidity in Japan hit 95%. “Ha ha ha! Those foolish Americans! What a boom to our economy. For years we've had to put up with their Levis and Ma-ku-do-na-lu-dos (McDonald's). Substandard products! Now they will have to eat the culture of Japan! Ha ha ha." ‘And with that, the Prime Minister pulled of a computer generated mask to reveal the face of Jappaweirdo. epilogue Weirdness persists here, but everywhere too. Jappaweirdo is really a pretty fun (or funny) thing. | don’t want anyone to think of this as Japan-bashing, or feel that it's okay to do so. We are all weirdos, floating weirdly in a whole world of weirdness. Each geography produces it’s own unique weirdos, and no culture is exempt from it. Don't you think Vancouver is weird, with all its sport utility vehicles and coffee drinkers everywhere? ‘Are there weird neighborhoods in Vancouver? Tokyo has some pretty weird spots, namely, Harajuku and Shibuya. Stay tuned for a Harajuku fashion photoessay. Have a wonderful holiday everyone. See you all next year. @-“ photo by TJ Anzai