by Benjamin Asa Smith,
Advising Theologian,
Paul FitzZaland

Whilst rereading the Bible, as | am often
wont to do, | enjoyed a sudden moment of revelato-
ry genius. What | held in my hand was a filth-
encrusted, flimsy-paged, poorly translated tome
which, in one incarnation or another, revolutionized
world politics and spiky torture devices. It existed as
both a source of inspiration and an instrument of
post-coital purgatory, a wantonly manipulative device
and a body indicative of ethereal bliss. That's what |
thought, anyway, until | was visited by my epiphany.

This thing, this Bible, it spoke not of some
omnipotent force, it spoke not of humanly vices and
appropriate retribution, it spoke not of heavenly mar-
tyrdom. No, no, that's all misinterpretation. A con-
ception understandably incorrect, of course, consider-
ing the time in which it was written. One could hard-

SF

The End of Celluloid as seen through the definitive
reading of the Bible.

ly expect those of the freshly anointed A.D. to comprehend a
book of prophecy detailing events that would come to pass
nearly two thousand years later.

My revelation, yes, was that the Bible spoke of cin-
ema. Yea, Christ was an auteur, his apostles were studios -
supporters and backstabbers - distributing his work, God was
artistic inspiration, the Romans were infringement of foreign
cinematic ideals. Yea, Noah's Ark was a cineplex, David was
an independent studio, Samson was Schwarzenegger, Easter
was the rise and fall and rise again of the horror genre. Yea,
Moses was an indie producer, the Egyptians were Disney,
Lucifer was Gene Siskel.

| realize, now having offered my clarity unto you,
that | need not continue with any extraneous explanation.
This insight carries its own weight, intelligible through the
merest of sparks, and were | to proceed in detailing from
cover to back its application | would become an implement of
redundancy.

No, | respect your intelligence. 1 know that you've
already grasped the enormity of my words, so | shall skip the
rhetoric and focus upon a more pressing matter: the climax of the
prophecy, the end of cinema.

| implore you, be calm. The prophecy assaulted me as
thunderously as it now does you - the thought of never witness-
ing episodes two and three of Star Wars was almost crippling -
but hysterics, | assure you, will offer little grace. It is better, per-
haps, to reflect upon the Revelations, to contemplate with a
learning and accepting air the severity, appropriateness, and truth
of their words. The death of cinema approaches, as is foretold
by recent cinematic themes. Consider:

“And | saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and | heard,
as it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying,
Come and see. And! saw, and behold, a white horse: and he that
sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he

went forth conquering, and to conquer."
= —_

The End of Celluloid as seen through the definitive
reading of the Bible.

by Benjamin Asa Smith,
Advising Theologian,
Paul FitzZaland

Whilst rereading the Bible, as | am often
wont to do, | enjoyed a sudden moment of revelato-
ry genius. What | held in my hand was a filth-
encrusted, flimsy-paged, poorly translated tome
which, in one incarnation or another, revolutionized
world politics and spiky torture devices. It existed as
both a source of inspiration and an instrument of
post-coital purgatory, a wantonly manipulative device
and a body indicative of ethereal bliss. That's what |
thought, anyway, until | was visited by my epiphany.

This thing, this Bible, it spoke not of some
‘omnipotent force, it spoke not of humanly vices and
appropriate retribution, it spoke not of heavenly mar-
tyrdom. No, no, that's all misinterpretation. A con-
ception understandably incorrect, of course, consider-
ing the time in which it was written. One could hard-

ly expect those of the freshly anointed A.D. to comprehend a
book of prophecy detailing events that would come to pass
nearly two thousand years later.

‘My revelation, yes, was that the Bible spoke of cin-
‘ema. Yea, Christ was an auteur, his apostles were studios -
supporters and backstabbers - distributing his work, God was
artistic inspiration, the Romans were infringement of foreign
cinematic ideals. Yea, Noah's Ark was a cineplex, David was
an independent studio, Samson was Schwarzenegger, Easter
was the rise and fall and rise again of the horror genre. Yea,
‘Moses was an indie producer, the Egyptians were Disney,
Lucifer was Gene Siskel.

I realize, now having offered my clarity unto you,
that | need not continue with any extraneous explanation.
This insight carries its own weight, intelligible through the
merest of sparks, and were | to proceed in detailing from
cover to back its application | would become an implement of
redundancy.

No, | respect your intelligence. 1 know that you've
already grasped the enormity of my words, so | shall skip the
thetoric and focus upon a more pressing matter: the climax of the
prophecy, the end of cinema.

implore you, be calm. The prophecy assaulted me as
thunderously as it now does you - the thought of never witness-
ing episodes two and three of Star Wars was almost crippling ~
but hysterics, | assure you, will offer litle grace. It is better, per-
haps, to reflect upon the Revelations, to contemplate with a
learning and accepting air the severity, appropriateness, and truth
of their words. The death of cinema approaches, as is foretold
by recent cinematic themes. Consider:

“And | saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and | heard,
4s it were the noise of thunder, one of the four beasts saying,
Come and see. And | saw, and behold, a white horse: and he that
sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he
went forth conquering, and to conquer.”

: B®