Heeyon, jan 3; 1995 I’m sitting here, not certain what to write. I don’t even know how or what I really feel. I know what I'd like to say and convey, but I don’t know how, and I don’t know if it’s the truth. So this will have to do, because this is the only way I can be honest. Forget poetry, forget being deep or intelligent or sensitive; lets have reality. Heeyon is dead. He took his life on Christmas. And we are left to deal with it, and to go on. ] don’t know why this has hit me so hard. Guilt maybe...or fear...or understanding...or lack thereof. At times I tried to reach him. Other times I avoided him. He could be hard to deal with, and I had unpleasant things to deal with, with him. So in the end I was happy not to see him, and he also stayed clear of me. | wonder if he sensed something or if he de- cided to not talk to me fer different reasons altogether. And I guess I'l] never know. I've gone through hard times and they've changed me. I’ve come to understandings and they have not made things easier nor my load lighter. oe I've learned to hide better and leave others to their own devices. And I’ve learned how to feel less and have tried to be more honest. When I walked into the crematorium and saw Heeyon’s body, | expected him to sit up and do a Dr. Strangelove imitation. When I carried the coffin to the hearse I feared dropping it; spilling his body out. When a machine buried him and fire construction- worker type guys jumped into the grave to pound down the soil, I thought that this was all a farce. I keep seeing Heeyon: trying to bridge the gap; trying to communi- cate. I see him performing. And even though I can’t visualize it, I also know he burned many bridges down. Had he already made his decision and did he purposely cast aside all the ropes that were tied to him?. Or did he do these things unconsciously and then when looking up realize he had severed many bonds? Or even consciously; to see how far he could push people before they wouldn’t come back? Or was he just too lost to see?...Or too needy’?...Or too scared?...Or too hurt?...Or too con- fused?... Some people have said that maybe he’s better off now. R. told me I should think about all the things he’s learned now; in ways he’s ahead of us. And also I’ve been told that we are exiting the Kali. Yuga -> are getting closer again to the center of the Universe and thus waking up, which will cause major change and ... death to many. All in all: don’t worry; Rejoice! I can’t say I fear death. It is all my other fears I have to work through before I die. I have many fears and insecurities; death is not high up on . that list. "eS Shrouds have fallen over me. Obscur- ing, and weighing me down. | don’t know why they are there or where they come from. I don’t know why they are there sometimes, and not at others. King Herod went insane when the seventh veil (and illusion) dropped, and. for this John the Baptist died. We need our illusion to keep us sane. If we move too quickly towards reality we will not be able to comprehend. We will be blinded. We will be lost. Heeyon had many demons. | cannot understand. If I did, I would not be here either. But] am. And I do not understand. And this I have to deal with. Tuesday, Jan. 3rd, 1995 Heeyon, Jan 3, 1995 T'm sitting here, not certain what to write. 1 don’t even know how or what I really feel. 1 know what I'd like to say and convey, but | don’t know how. and I don’t know if it's the truth, So this will have to do, because this is the only way I'can be honest. Forget poetry, forget being deep or intelligent or sensitive; lets have reality Heeyon is dead. He took his life on Christmas. And we are left to deal with it, and to go on. Idon’t know why this has hit me so hard, Guilt maybe...or fear...or understanding...or lack thereof. ‘Ac times I tried to reach him. Other times I avoided him. He could be hard to deal with, and Thad unpleasant things to deal with, with him. So in the end I was happy not to see him, and he also stayed clear of me. Iwonder if he sensed something or if he de- cided to not talk to me for different reasons altogether. And I guess I'll never know Tve gone through hard times and they've changed me. I've come to understandings and they have not made things easier nor my load lighter. T've learned to hide better and leave others to their own devices. And I've learned how to feel less and have tried to be more honest. When 1 walked into the crematorium and saw Heeyon’s body, 1 expected him to sit up and do a Dr. Strangelove imitation. When I carried the coffin to the hearse I feared dropping it; spilling his ody out. When a machine buried him and fire construction- worker type guys jumped into the grave to pound down the soil, 1 thought that this was alla farce. Tkeep seeing I cate. see him performing. And even though I can't visualize it, T also know he burned many bridges down. Had he already made his decision and did he purposely cast aside all the ropes that were tied to him? Or did he do these things unconsciously and then When looking up realize he had severed many bonds? Or even consciously; to see how far he could push people before they xyon: trying to bridge the gap; trying to communi- wouldn't come back? Or was he just 00 lost to see?...0r too needy?...0r too scared?...0r too hurt?...Or too con- fused’... Some people have said that maybe he’s better off now. R. told me I should think about all the things he’s learned. now; in Ways he’s ahead of us. And. also I've been told that we are exiting the Kali. Yuga > are getting closer again to the center of the Universe and thus waking up, which will cause major change and ... death to many. All in all: don’t worry; Rejoice! I can't say I fear death. Itis all my other fears Ihave to work through before I die. Ihave many fears and insecurities; death is not high up on . that list Shrouds have fallen over me. Obscur- ing, and weighing me down. I don’t know why they are there or where they come from. I don’t know why they are there sometimes, and not at others. King Herod went insane when the seventh veil (and illusion) dropped, and for this John the Baptist died, We need our illusion to ep us sane, If we move too quickly towards reality we will not be able to comprehend. We will be blinded. We will be lost. Heeyon had many demons. I cannot understand. If I did, I would not be here either. ButIam. And Ido not understand, And this I have to deal with. Tuesday, Jan. 3rd, 1995