Some thirty odd, semi-inebriated folk have donated their best, worst and
most embarrassing tales to start off InFlux's monthly sex column.

compiled by Nigel Reeves

In my grade eleven year, my mother was fortunate
enough to stumble upon a certain letter stashed in ny
- bedroom. Upon closer inspection, (a definite violation of
the parent/teen code of conduct), she learned of Tricia
and the poetic way Tricia could describe all the illicit sex-
ual activities she and | were supposedly engaging in.
Tales of teeth piercing nipples, raw sex on a concrete
floor, and other illicit misdemeanors danced before my
mothers eyes, all carefully rhymed and arranged like any
good prose. While my hormone induced 16 year old
mind would like to think | was capable of such feats,
there were indeed, no concrete floors in my past, nor to
be coming anytime in the near future.
The tale was fiction, created by Tricia for... well, fun. |
learned of this violation of privacy through my younger
sister, who had just recently suffered a barrage of ques-
tions from one very curious mother regarding her son's
new found friend. A little peeved, and determined to

So I went down...looking
for bliss...and possible
orgasmic response.

revenge my wrong doing, | did what any sensible 16 year
old would do. Marched upstairs and declared my plans
for the evening... a date with Tricia. Much to my moth-
er's chagrin, there was little she could do to object to an
evening with someone she has never met (or heard of?)
before. With that said, | departed for the evening leav-
ing my mother to assume the worst. In retrospect, | sup-
pose staying out till 6:am may have not been in my best
interest, for there was my mother waiting anxiously in the
kitchen. Deciding to avoid the impending conflict, |
snuck in the back door and retreated to my room. In all
of five minutes, | heard the angry stomping of my moth-
er descending the staircase, followed by the sound of
shattering wood as my mother bursts through the door,

illustration by Anki Strom

ea

taking the lock and section of door frame with her, and
furiously declares, "its a good thing your penis works
cause your head doesn't!"

..$0 it's 1988, I'm is Saskatoon, and we are kissing in
front of my mothers house. | was 17 and she was 18, so
| was really in to this fantastic kissing...totally sensual...
fantastic lips...when this strange taste comes through...
but it was so warm and wonderful...and when | finally
pull away my little 17 year old heart shatters...for her face
was crimson red from my bleeding nose.

HK*

. | sleep with a life sized plush pig

HH*

This was the first girl | had been real serious with and on
this particular evening, things were progressing rather
well. Her parents were home, but hey, | am not going to
blow a chance to do some exploring. So after an explo-
rative evening, | sneak off to the bathroom. | get in and
turn on the lights and realize that | am covered in blood.
So | look around and there are no towels or anything in
the bathroom. | am just about to use toilet paper, when
there is a knock at the door...I'm like, good, she has
brought me a towel, so | open the door and there stands

her mother with towel in hand. | had no idea what to do,
so | cleaned up and got ready to leave, but her dad had
parked behind me. So | had to go into the kitchen to ask
him to move the car and he said, “I'm not done my cof-
fee yet!"

...| just want pure
masturbation.

..at the age of 6, | was a very curious young lad, and |
marched up to my mother and asked, “what does fuck
mean?" She promptly replied “Found in Unlawful Carnal
Knowledge" and proceeded to explain the birds and bees
to me. So after a prolonged explanation, | quickly
returned downstairs to reveal my discovery to my visiting
female friend. Needless to say, this quickly lead us to
attempt this new found bubble of knowledge. It was
only after several failed attempts, that | marched back
upstairs and said, “Mom, how do you get the penis into
the vagina when its all floppy?”

...by the end of the night, | ended up sleeping with the
best man...and that was disappointing because...he was
like, a terrible lay, like absolutely terrible. 15 minutes.
Really, really skinny dick, | mean boring...1 was kind of
like, looking at my watch it was so boring. And then he
was like a sloppy kisser, like | felt like ! had my lungs
sucked out of me. So anyway, | was like, I'm not very ful-
filled by this, so | ended up sleeping with his best friend,
like a half an hour later. It was way better.

All questions, problems, or issues can be

A) e-mailed to influx@eciad.bc.ca c/o misdemeanor
or

B) dropped by InFlux office in a sealed envelope

13

c/o misdemeanor
@)
drunken attempt at a

1 Sex Column

Some thirty odd, semi-inebriated folk have donated their best, worst and
most embarrassing tales to start off InFlux's monthly sex column.

compiled by Nigel Reeves

In my grade eleven year, my mother was fortunate
enough to stumble upon a certain letter stashed in nj
bedroom. Upon closer inspection, (a definite violation of
the parent/teen code of conduct), she learned of Tricia
and the poetic way Tricia could describe all the illicit sex-
ual activities she and | were supposedly engaging in.
Tales of teeth piercing nipples, raw sex on a concrete
floor, and other illicit misdemeanors danced before my
mothers eyes, all carefully rhymed and arranged like any
good prose. While my hormone induced 16 year old
mind would like to think | was capable of such feats,
there were indeed, no concrete floors in my past, nor to
be coming anytime in the near future.

The tale was fiction, created by Tricia for... well, fun. 1
learned of this violation of privacy through my younger
sister, who had just recently suffered a barrage of ques-
tions from one very curious mother regarding her son's
new found friend. A little peeved, and determined to

So | went down...looking
for bliss...and possible
orgasmic response.

revenge my wrong doing, | did what any sensible 16 year
old would do. Marched upstairs and declared my plans
for the evening... a date with Tricia. Much to my moth-
er’s chagrin, there was little she could do to object to an
evening with someone she has never met (or heard of?)
before. With that said, | departed for the evening leav-
ing my mother to assume the worst. In retrospect, | sup-
pose staying out till 6:am may have not been in my best
interest, for there was my mother waiting anxiously in the
kitchen. Deciding to avoid the impending conflict, |
snuck in the back door and retreated to my room. In all
Of five minutes, | heard the angry stomping of my moth-
er descending the staircase, followed by the sound of
shattering wood as my mother bursts through the door,

illustration by Anki Strom

taking the lock and section of door frame with her, and
furiously declares, “its a good thing your penis works
cause your head doesn't!”

so it's 1988, I'm is Saskatoon, and we are kissing in
front of my mothers house. | was 17 and she was 18, so
| was really in to this fantastic kissing...totally sensual...
fantastic lips..when this strange taste comes through.
but it was so warm and wonderful...and when | finally
pull away my litle 17 year old heart shatters...for her face
was crimson red from my bleeding nose.

I sleep with a life sized plush pig

This was the first gir! | had been real serious with and on
this particular evening, things were progressing rather
well. Her parents were home, but hey, | am not going to
blow a chance to do some exploring. So after an explo-
rative evening, | sneak off to the bathroom. | get in and
turn on the lights and realize that | am covered in blood
So | look around and there are no towels or anything in
the bathroom. | am just about to use toilet paper, when
there is a knock at the door...’ like, good, she has
brought me a towel, so | open the door and there stands

her mother with towel in hand. | had no idea what to do,
so | cleaned up and got ready to leave, but her dad had
parked behind me. So | had to go into the kitchen to ask
him to move the car and he said,
fee yet!”

‘m not done my cof-

.[ just want pure
masturbation.

.at the age of 6, | was a very curious young lad, and |
marched up to my mother and asked, “what does fuck
mean?” She promptly replied “Found in Unlawful Carnal
Knowledge” and proceeded to explain the birds and bees
to me. So after a prolonged explanation, 1 quickly
returned downstairs to reveal my discovery to my visiting
female friend. Needless to say, this quickly lead us to
attempt this new found bubble of knowledge. It was
only after several failed attempts, that | marched back
upstairs and said, “Mom, how do you get the penis into
the vagina when its all floppy?”

by the end of the night, | ended up sleeping with the
best man...and that was disappointing because...he was
like, a terrible lay, like absolutely terrible. 15 minutes.
Really, really skinny dick, | mean boring...1 was kind of
like, looking at my watch it was so boring. And then he
was like a sloppy kisser, lke | felt like 1 had my lungs
sucked out of me. So anyway, | was like, I'm not very ful-
filled by this, so | ended up sleeping with his best friend,
like a half an hour later. It was way better.

[All questions, problems, or issues can be
'A) e-mailed to influx@eciad.be.ca c/o misdemeanor
8) dropped by InFlux office in a sealed envelope
‘/o misdemeanor

B@