54 influx: Magazine April 1999 by Dawn Buie Once I was searching for answers, now I’ve got some and I’m searching for somewhere to lay my weary head. The high drama of ideology. How we come to believe in something, especially something intangible. What is sometimes referred to as maturity: how we come to let others be, even if we find their behavior morally reprehensible. What is sometime called guts : when to stand up in the face of opposition or physical harm in protection of another- the greater good. Once there were two sisters. One had long brown hair and the other a tattoo. They were often seen together at mud wrestling events, taking pictures and sizing up the athletes in conspiratorial gig- gles behind cupped hands. Neither posed nude or entered wet t- shirt contests, even when offered a lot of money. "You’d need a lot more money than that, to get us to. engage in public humilia- tion. Maybe someday we’ll pay you that much to buy your yaught." No one knew if the girls were serious about yaughting, but it sounded good, and rich men who offered them the money found themselves responding, "dumb bitch" to cover their shock at the disrespect implied by the sisters’ response. The sisters were very good to each other, they had an easy repore that allowed for freedom of movement. They could go days without seeing each other, but eventual- ly they would return to their West End apart- ment and share everything, out of the sheer pleasure of riding the waves of each other’s adventures. As they laid their experiences out, the events took on a solidified sheen almost like a thin blanket laying across the body of one sister, supine ‘on the king-size bed, her eyes unfocused as she felt her older sister’s theories about the root of greed and indifference take shape in language. The younger had told a few people she never felt out of control. She had exactly moderate habits in eating and exercise, not for vanity, but for the honoring of her temple, that is what she called it. The older sister smoked, and liked to stay up late, listening to the radio or industrial trance music. A few times she had awaken the younger and suggested they drive out of the city and go swimming in the ocean as the moon was full and she was restless. The younger always complied, even if she had to work in the morning. "It’s the living that gives you energy, not the squandering," was one of her favorite sayings for which she would become famous years later. For there always is a years later, and time not attended to now becomes to the inattentive (although the sisters were quite attentive) a process that creates the impres- sion that events and careers were decided well in advance of the doing. Some trusted friends might ask the sis- ters when attention had become so impor- tant to them, implying of course such a thing could be explained by upbringing. Not mali- cious in spirit but with a healthy sense of fun, the tattooed sister might open the top draw- er of her bedside lamp table and pull out a People Magazine, "There’s a fascinating arti- cle on Lisa Marie Presley, page 28 if you’re interested. Don’t worry about returning it," she would say sliding the drawer shut before the guest could glimpse what other reading material fell beneath the shadow of her hair. Always they were at the political press conferences, taking pictures and making the same conspiratorial whispers and giggles. Sometimes a government official on vacation under the auspices of attending a convention, far from his family in the nations capital, would ask one or both of the girls to have dinner with him and then maybe dancing. "You’d need a lot more conviction than that to make us want to spend time with you conversing on the issues of the day. Maybe someday you’ll be coming to us to ask advice when your pol- luting laws have destroyed all the old forests and you don’t have three dollars for a glass of water." The older sister wanted to say something about the value of his wife’s trust, then decided it was really none of her business. ; But they did go out on dates, although never together. Both sisters wondered what constituted friend material and who they should pursue as lovers. Of course just because one of them decided on a plan of action didn’t mean she always bedded her man. The older sister was the more casual in the ways of sex. Her cigarette habit allowed her to frequent establishments where ‘sexual pick-up’ was an unwritten subtext to every conversation, and an expressive drag fol- lowed by a meaningful look on the exhale communicated more than the younger sister could get across over a pot of herbal tea and a con- versation about her landscaping business with a sympathetic col- league. Both agreed the jury was out on what proper sexual conduct consisted of, then they laughed at their private joke, because both knew from firsthand experience the judiciary system was a crock, designed for people who couldn’t pay attention. Sessions with the Councillor by Dawn Buie Today- the conference room. Many are assembled- only a precious few understand the proceedings. We stare at each other, dumb. We are unused to con- versation- and this is within one person. Such close proximity is not a guarantee of intimacy. | start to wonder- when | say - but who will listen- am | referring to the outside world- or the parts of me who are unresponsive, who do not use kindness, A bully : in a child’s wading pool of kindness. And the script supervisor beside him. The defense attorney can pull on our heart strings at any time during the proceedings- to make us all feel the terrible- | am terrible and | hate the bully for say- ing that for doing that cruel manipulation- who are you if you can split your- self off like that. We are parts. Dreams- Kearnon told us to write about our dreams and | had two of her. Later | will talk about Chris. My emotions. And then... what is this feeling - what would it feel like to feel like to feel like you are beautiful all the time. It would be such a leap you wouldn’t recognize yourself- would you? What would you say to someone who said you were unlovable- "Fuck off,” | already told him. He once said- "| don’t always mean what | say," after two hours interrogation. | guess he is different parts too. All the dolls are sitting together on the couch. | liked one of the mannerisms of the councilor today- it reminded me of a clown. He played the cringing one who yells at the bully-my little crusader- a mouse storming the battalion- Ripicheet , coming to my defense. That made me cry. 54 influx? Magazine April 1999 by Dawn Buie ‘Once I was searching for answers ow I've got some and 1m searching for somewhere to ay my weary hea The high drama of ideology. How we come to believe in something, especialy something intangible ‘Whats sometimes refered to as maturiy: how we come to le other be, eten if te ind their behavior morally reprehensible ‘Whats sometime called guts: when to stand up in the face ‘of opposition or phicl harm in protection of another he pester 00d (Once there were nro sister. One ad long brown hai and the other a tattoo. They were offen seen together at mud wrestling ‘fens taking pictures and sizing up the athletes in conspiratorial gig- tes behind cupped hands. Neither posed nude r entered wet tshirt ‘ontets, even when offered lo of mon. mfu'd need a lot more money thin that, to get us to engage in public humilae ‘on, Maybe someday well pay you that ‘much to buy your yaught” No one knew ifthe gil were serious bout saughting, but sounded good, and ‘ich men who offered them the money found femiciver responding, "dumb bitch” 0 ‘cove thee shock at the disrespect implied by the ster response "The sisters were very good to cach other, they ad an ean repore that allowed for freedom of movement. They cOuld 0 days without secing each oer, bux eventual- ly they would retor to dheie West End apart ‘ment and share evrything, out ofthe sheer pleasure of riding the waves ofeach others adventures. As they laid ther experiences fut, the events took on solidified sheen Sloe like thin blanket laying acros the bods of one sister, supine on the hing-size bed, her epes unfocused as ahe fl er older ‘ner’ theories about the root of greed and indiference take shape in language “The younger had told few people she never fl out of contol She had exactly moderate habits in eating and exercise, not for vanity, but for the honoring of her temple, that is what she called it'The older sister smoked, and liked to stay up late, listening tothe radio oF industrial trance mic, A few times ae had awaken the Younger and sugested they deve outa the ity and go swimming in the ocean as the moon was fll and she wat restless. The sounger always complied, even if she had 19 work in the morning. "It’s the living tha gives you enere, not the squandering.” was one of her favorite sayings for which she Would become famous ‘sears later. For there always i a years later, fnd time not attend to now becomes tothe Inawenuve (although the sinters were gute atenive) a proces that erates the impres- ‘on that evens and careers were deeded ‘well in advance ofthe doing ‘Some trusted fiends might ask the sis- ters when attention had become 40 impor ‘tanto them, implying ofcourse such thing ‘ould be explained by upbringing. Not mal ‘ous in spit but with a healthy sense of fan, the tatooed sister might open the top draw cer of her Bedside lamp table and pul out @ People Magazine, “There's a fascinating at cle on Lisa Mari Presley, page 28 if you're Interested. Don't worry about returning it ‘he would sa liding the drawer shut before the guest could glimpse what other reading ‘materia fel beneath the shadow of he i, ‘Abways they were atthe politcal press confeeness, taking pictures snd making the Same conspiratorial whispers and. giggles. Sometines a government ecal on Vacation ‘under the auspices ofatending a contention, {ar fom his fly in the nations capa, would ask one or both af the srs to have dinner with him and then mabe dancing "You'd need lot more conviction than that to make us want to spend time with you conversing on the tse of the diy ‘Maye someday you'l becoming tous to ask advice when your pol- Juting laws ave destoyed al dhe old forests and you don't have thee dollars fora las of water The olde sister wanted to sy something bout the value of his wife's trast then deeded twas really none of her busines ‘Burt they digo out on dates, although never together. Both sisters wondered what constituted fend material and who they ‘Should pursue a lovers. Of course just because one of them decided ‘ona plan ofaction dia mean she always bedded her man The older Sister was the more casual in the ways of sex: Her cigarette habit Slowed her to fequent establishments where sexual pice’ was an “onwriten subtext fo every conterstion, and an expresive drag fl lowed by a meaningfl look onthe exhale communicated more than ‘the younger sister coud gt acros vera pot of herbal tea and a eon ‘esation about her landscaping business with a sympathetic col- Teague. Both agreed the jury was out on what proper sexual condvct consisted of, then they laughed at their private joke, beease both new fom Bsthand experience the judiciary system was a crock