CF-Good evening Herr Wetzlar... ELW-Please, my friends call me Leitz. CF-| am flattered. Leitz, welcome to Vancouver, are you enjoying your stay here so far? ELW- So far so good. | suppose your next question is why | chose to come here, no? CF-You have a keen intuition, Leitz, so? ELW-Well really it was quite a fluke, | came into some money under inauspicious circumstances and | felt the need to renounce my homestead, temporarily, of course. | was searching for a place to go, and | had always heard that Vancouver was an emerald city of shimmering green glass and wealth, Berlin was boring me to death and | had exhausted all the possibilities at my school. There is a certain Madame X whom | know here, she invited me and the rest was paper- work. CF-We're glad it worked out. It is very kind of you to grace our humble city with your presence. ELW-It's nothing, really, you're too kind. CF-Perhaps you can illuminate on the your activities here in Vancouver, for instance, what are your pur- suits in school? 20 @ ‘Interview with B nin Based Exchange Student Ernst Leitz Wetzlar ELW-I plan to accomplish nothing of great importance during my brief stay here. | have a few academics and one or two studios. | do the needful and the rest of time | spend at the Jupiter Room slumped over a Vodka Russe, pon- dering the futility of my existence, and yours for that matter. | have sublimated my existence with luxury cigarettes, designer vodka, and German fashions. CF- Very pleasant. That is rather morbid. ELW-Yes, the Grarville Bridge is always an inviting option. CF- Have you met good people here? ELW-I am not concerned with good people, it is not a question of good people or bad people. Morality is a word that does not exist in my vocabulary. | have recently taken up an apprenticeship with a mortician. | find that | pre- fer to be around dead people. It is very calming and they all have a certain supple pallor of whole milk which | find quite appealing. In reaction to this discovery | now apply SPF 45 sunscreen first thing in the morning. There is noth- ing worse than aging, and the sun is a constant reminder that | am a biological organism, not the cyborg | wish | was. CF-What is your main ambition in life? ELW-For one to day be able to announce, ‘I don't get out of bed for anything less than $25,000’, ‘US’, of course. CF-Well, don't we all want to be able to say that? Are you religious? ELW-I hold a strong faith in the Virtue of Selfishness. It's linguistics, really just linguistics. You must not take it per- sonally. CF- Leitz, let's get specific, tell me what you can about your incarceration in a Turkish prison in 1987... | understand this is an internationally sensitive issue ... ELW-There is nothing really to say. | suffered, | starved, yet | survived. | was released after the Reagan administra- tion lifted the fig embargo. Can you imagine? CF- What exactly is the nature of your relationship to the Bonaparte family? ELW-Oh, that is just insipid hearsay. They tried to frame me because | refused their daughters’ hand in marriage. That tramp. CF-Good evening Herr Wetzlar. ELW-Please, my friends call me Leitz CF-I am flattered. Leitz, welcome to Vancouver, are you enjoying your stay here so far? ELW- So far so good. | suppose your next question is why I chose to come here, no? CF-You have a keen intuition, Leitz, so? ELW-Well really it was quite a fluke, | came into some money under inauspicious circumstances and | felt the need to renounce my homestead, temporarily, of ‘course. | was searching for a place to go, and | had always heard that Vancouver was an emerald city of shimmering green glass and wealth, Berlin was boring me to death and | had exhausted all the possibilities at my school. There is a certain Madame X whom | know here, she invited me and the rest was paper- work. CF-We're glad it worked out. Itis very kind of you to grace our humble city with your presence. ELW-It's nothing, really, you're too kind CF-Perhaps you can illuminate on the your activities here in Vancouver, for instance, what are your pur- suits in school? Ow = ~ Inte rview with B din B ase ange Student Ernst iSite Wetzlar ELW-I plan to accomplish nothing of great importance during my brief stay here. | have a few academics and one or two studios. 1 do the needful and the rest of time | spend at the Jupiter Room slumped over a Vodka Russe, pon- dering the futility of my existence, and yours for that matter. | have sublimated my existence with luxury cigarettes, designer vodka, and German fashions. CF- Very pleasant. That is rather morbid. ELW-Yes, the Grarville Bridge is always an inviting option. CF- Have you met good people here? ELW-1 am not concerned with good people, it is not a question of good people or bad people. Morality is a word that does not exist in my vocabulary. | have recently taken up an apprenticeship with a mortician. | find that | pre~ fer to be around dead people. It is very calming and they all have a certain supple pallor of whole milk which | find quite appealing. In reaction to this discovery | now apply SPF 45 sunscreen first thing in the morning. There is noth- ing worse than aging, and the sun is a constant reminder that | am a biological organism, not the cyborg | wish | was. CF-What is your main ambition in life? ELW-For one to day be able to announce, ‘I don't get out of bed for anything less than $25,000’, ‘US’, of course. CF-Well, don’t we all want to be able to say that? Are you religious? ELW-I hold a strong faith in the Virtue of Selfishness. It's linguistics, really just linguistics. You must not take it per- sonally. CF- Leitz, let's get specific, tell me what you can about your incarceration in a Turkish prison in 1987... | understand this is an internationally sensitive issue ELW-There is nothing really to say. | suffered, | starved, yet | survived. | was released after the Reagan administra- tion lifted the fig embargo. Can you imagine? CF- What exactly is the nature of your relationship to the Bonaparte family? ELW-Oh, thats just insipid hearsay. They tried to frame me because I refused their daughters’ hand in marriage. That tramp.