End of the World and Atom Egoyan Speaks drawing by Suez Holland . by Lionel Doe Listen... 3: Do you hear the sirens? Well I do and as a matter of fact I hear them all the time and if I'm crazy then I'm crazy but I hear those fuckers ringing away like a tape loop in my head and I know the end is coming like I know what horseshit it is to bestow honorary degrees on famous people because their famous but it does make me wonder why I'm here if all I had to do was work and be famous to get the degree as opposed to trudge through these gray halls day after day, night after night, busting my ass like I don't remember foundation year workloads, memories still shooting through me at night with such screaming accuracy that I tremble and sweat and get all quiet and paranoid like an Atom Egoyan character near the end of the film. I'm not naive, I know what intentions lye behind getting a famous artist to speak at our grad ceremony. He comes, he speaks, he gets a degree, he leaves. He's happy. We're jaded. He makes a movie. We write grant proposals. He gets nominated for best director at the American glitz festival. We write another grant proposal. He wins for best director. We ask mom and dad for rent money. He uses the same joke in his speech that he used at our grad. We start to tremble and shake. He gets another honorary degree at some other institution he has never seen. We start to hear the sirens getting louder. He takes a six month sabbatical in Africa. We lye awake at night humming Tragically Hip songs to try to sleep. We receive our last rejection for grant money. We start to set fire to things at random. We hear the sirens getting louder. We get arrested. We eat our cel mate. Atom reads about us in the Globe and Mail. He makes a film about us. It wins something at the thing. We drool on ourselves in a nice white room. He gets his third degree. We wish they were burns. He retires. We giggle softly through the drool and over the calming sound of distant sirens. deyeg eunsuyo Aq Buimeip Dear Ms. Manners, My fiance and I have been on our own for quite awhile and we both have complete households full of toasters, vacuums, dishes, towels, etc. My question is, is there an appropriate way we could have a shower and receive money instead of gifts? I was thinking of sending the invitations out accompanied by a small blank envelope that the guest could put money in (anonymously) and toss it into a “wishing well”. I know people feel funny about giving cash as a gift and this would be one way of avoiding singling people out. Singed Wishing Dear Greedy: Several years ago Ms. Manners went on an eti- quette retreat. The seminar fee included three meals a day, plus lodgings at the guest house. On the fifth day while covering guest refrigerator and pantry etiquette, the host made it very clear to us that we had over-indulged in the kitchen - free food can make some people crazy. We were asked politely to anonymously contribute extra cash to the pot. I think only one loser threw in some spare change. I don’t know why he both- ered - why not throw in an empty envelope like the rest of us. I mean, who knew? So, get with the program or you two will be hanging over that “wishing well” ‘till death do you part. You’ll get way more cash and much better gifts if your guests have to own up to what they gave you. No one wants to appear cheap. Dear Ms. Manners: My parent’s anniversary is coming up...it’s their .23rd. I would like to acknowledge it with a small celebration. I am 24, on my own and mak- ing a livable, but not expendable salary. HELP!! Signed Daughter Dear Daughter, I bet your last sentence reflects how your moth- er felt 23 years ago. Dear Ms. Manners: Iam a recent college student but still subjected to the same exclusionary games as kindergard- ners. My “friend’s” new favourite is “Move your meat, lose your seat.” I was highly offended this evening when somebody felt entitled to grab my seat when I got up to use the rest room. Is it just me, or did he miss a class in proper social eti- quette somewhere in early grammar school? How should I have responded as the “Mature One?” Signed Mature One Dear Mature: Oh, why do people feel the need to torment you! To start with, no one in the real world takes classes in proper social etiquette in early gram- mar school. For example, my husband went to an exclusive boys school and he chews food with his mouth open. He is also burps loudly in pub- lic, asks too many questions, and has had pun- gent smelling gastrointestinal complications at parties after eating pastries filled with a gor- gonzola / parmesan cheese mixture. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when someone witnessed him partaking in a plate-licking ses- sion at a dinner in the south of France. His prob- 2] Influx: Magazine March 1999 lem: he was too absorbed in academics to con- cern himself with charm school. As for me, love is blind but how could I not have seen it coming! Eventually I saw the light — I responded as the Mature One and divorced him. If you continue to allow yourself to be tormented by trivialities, your school work will suffer. My advice to you is: “Change your tune or fail in June”. p.s.: Hope this answer is satisfactory. I wasn’t clear on whether he grabbed your seat or your chair. Dear Ms. Manners: This is a rather odd situation, and I really don’t know what is expected of me. My daughter’s day care lady brought her home this evening, and on the way back to her own home, she ran into a deer and did considerable damage to her car. My problem lies in the fact that it happened on my road and she wouldn’t have been there had she not just brought my daughter home. The day care lady seems to think that I should pay for the damages to her car.. Signed Concerned Employer Dear Concerned: Ms. Manners thinks you should consult the deer. Dear Ms. Manners: What is the proper way to address a widow? Signed, Stickler for Formality Dear Formal: It is customary for a widow to dress in black, though it all depends on how she feels about the deceased. Dear Ms. Manners: When eating, is it improper to use your bread to soak up any excess sauce or gravy on your plate? Signed Good to the Last Drop Dear: Sponge, If there is gravy or sauce left on your plate you may finish it by putting a small piece of bread on it and then eating it with your fork. You may put it in your mouth “continental” fashion, with the tines pointed down as they were when you sopped up the gravy or sauce. This is not only correct, but a compliment to the cook. p.s. Licking your plate or running your finger through the sauce, then sucking on it is an even greater compliment! Ms. Manners Monthhy Tip How service at a formal dinner differs from a lun- cheon.The luncheon napkin is much smaller than the dinner napkin and ts usually folded like a hand- kerchief, in a square of four thick deep. The square is placed on the service plate diagonally, with the monogrammed or embroidered corner pointing down toward the near edge of the table. End of the World and Atom Egoyan Speaks by Lionel Doe Listen....Do you hear the sirens? Well do and a a matter of fact I hear them all the time and if Tm erezy then I'm ‘ray but I hear thos fuckers ringing away like a tape lop in my Inead and I now the end is coming like I know what horseshit it Js t bestow honorary degress on famous people because thir famous but it does make me wonder why Pin here ill Thad t0 do vas work and be famous to get the degree as opposed 10 ‘wudge through these gray hall day after day, night afer night, ‘busting my ass like I don't remember foundation year workloads, ssemories sil shooting through me at night with such seaming accuracy that I wemble and sweat and get all quit and paranoid like an Atom Egoyan character nea the end ofthe fm. Tm not naive, [now what intention ye behind geting 4 famous artist to speak at our grad ceremony. He comes, he ‘speaks, he gets a degree, he leaves. He's happy. We're jaded. He makes a movie. We write grant proposals. He gets nominated for best dzector atthe American glitz Festal. We write another grant proposal, He win for best director. We ak mom and dad for rent ‘one. He uses the same je in his speech that he wed at our {grad. We start o tremble and shake. He gsts another honorary ‘gree at some other institution he has never seen. We start Ihearthe sirens getting louder. He takes a six month sabbatical in Afica. We lye avake at night humming Tragically Hip songs co tay sleep, We receive our last reecion for grant money We Star 0 set fre to things at random, We hear the siens geting Touder, We get arrested, We eat our cel mate. Atom reads about tus in the Globe and Mai, He makes a film about us. It wins Something at the thing We drool on ourselves in a nice white room, He ges his third degre. We wish they were burns. He retires. We gga softly through the drool and over the calming ound of distant sirens Dear Ms. Manners My fiance and Ihave been on our own for quite ‘awhile and we both have complete households fall of roaster, vacuums, dishes, towels, et. My ‘question isis there an appropriate way we could hhave a shower and receive money instead of sift? T was thinking of sending the invitations ‘out accompanied by a smal blank envelope that the guest could put money i (anonymously) and 105 it into a "wishing well”. Thnow people feel fanny about giving cash a a gift and this ‘would be one wa of avoiding singling people Singed Wishing Dear Greedy Several years ago Ms. Manners went on an eti= queue retreat. The seminar fe included three meal a days plus lodgings athe guest house: On ‘he filth day while covering guest reigerator and pantry etiquette, the host made it very clear to ut that we had overinduged i the tchen free food can make some people crazy. We were asked politely 19 anonymously contribute extra fash tothe pot. I think only one le threw in Some spare change. I don't know why he both red = why not thro in an empty envelope ks the eet of us I mcan, who lew? So, get with the program or you two willbe hanging oer that “wishing well” “death do you part. You'l get way mote cash and much better gift if your guests have town up to what they gave You [No one wants to appear cheap Dear Ms, Manners: My parent's anniversary is coming upit's the 23nd. T would like to acknowledge it with small celebration. 1am 24, on my own and mak ‘nga livable, but not expendable salary. HELP! Signed Daughter Dear Daughter, 1 bet your last sentence reflects how sour moth- cer felt 23 years ag0. Dese Ms, Manners: 1am a recent college student bu stl subjected to the same exclusionary games as Kindergard- ners. My "frends new favourite is “Move your meat, love your seat” Iwas highly offended this vening when somebody felt entitled ro grab my deat wen got up to use the rest rom. Is fut me, or dd he mis «clas in proper socal et aquene somewhere in carly grammar school? How should T have responded as the “Mature One?” Signed ‘Mature One Dear Mature: (Ob, why do peopl feel the need to torment you! To start With, no one in the real wodd takes clases in proper social etiquette in carly gram: ‘mar school. For example, my husband went t0 fan exclusive boys school and he chews food with his mouth open. He is also burps loud in pub- Hc, asks too many question, and has had pun- seat smelling gastrointestinal complications at Parties afer cating pastries fled with a gor fgonzola/ parmesan cheese miature. The sta that broke the camels Back was when someone Wwitnesed him partaking in a plte-icking tr ‘on ata dinner inthe south of France. His prob 12 Influx? Magazine March 1999 tem: he was too absorbed in academics to con- ‘em himself with charm school. As for me, love {sblind but how could T not have seen t coming! “Eventually saw the light —T responded as the ‘Mature One and divoreed him. If you continue ‘wallow yourself to be tormented by tivities, your school work wil sue, My advice to you "Change your tune or fail in June” ps: Hope this answer is satisfactory. I was lear on whether he grabbed your seat or your cha Dear Ms, Manners “This isa rather od situation, and elly don't now what is expected of me. My daughters day care lady brought her home this evening, land on the ay back to her own home, she an ino a deer and did considerable damage to het car. My problem lie inthe fact that it happened fon my road and she wouldn't have been there hhad she not jst brought my daughter home. ‘The day care lady seems to think that I should ay forthe damages to her ca. Signed ‘Concerned Employer Dear Concerned: ‘Ms. Manners thinks you should consult the ect Dear Ms. Manners: ‘What i the proper way to address widow? Signed, ‘Sticker for Formality Dear Forma: Te is customary fora widow to dres in black, though tall depends on how she ees about the decease. Dear Ms, Manner: ‘When eating, iit improper wo use your bread to Sak up any excess sauce or gravy on your plate? Signed Good to the Last Drop Dear: Sponge, If there is gravy or sauce left on your plate you ‘may Bish by puting a small piece of bread on ‘and then eating it with your fork. You may pot ‘tin your mouth “continental” fashion, with the tines pointed down as they were when you sopped up the gravy or sauce. This is not oaly correct, But a compliment tothe cook. ps. Licking your plate or running your finger ‘rough the sce, then sucking on ian even srcter compliment! Ms, Manners Monthly Tips Hr service at «formal dinner difers from a hn ‘hon The lacheon napkin i much male than ‘th dinner nopin ands usualy folded like a hand- Ichi na agare of four thick dep. The sare {placa on the tere plate diagonal ith th ‘monogrammed or embroidered corner pointing diam tard the near ede of the table