20 planet of the arts / spring 1998 IDENTITIES Categorization for Comfort By Ehren Seeland CC hat could never happen to me because.... Do you find yourself thinking this, saying this, hearing this . around you? Never in my life have I been more aware of this... I’m taken back to those clear, sunny days on the prairies, days when the dragonflies would sit, languidly in the grass by our feet. I can remember his smile, his laugh, and knowing that I could always confide in him. I haven't seen that smile in some time. Those sunny, prairie days have cloud- ed over with something that I no longer recognize. I remember the way that people looked at him in the streets. I knew that they saw something | didn’t. They would cross the street as he approached them, eyes cast towards the ground or glaring in our direction. I could feel their-anger, their confusion and their judgments towards him, causing my heart to sink and my stomach to rise. It wasn’t until I met his new “friends” that I could begin to comprehend how people could possibly feel this way towards him. I was guilty of all of these things as well. I found myself explain- ing, rationalizing, questioning and attempting to classify them as different from my family and friends. I wanted to see them as emotionally detached misfits. I wanted to believe that their upbringing had been different from mine; that these were values and beliefs instilled in their homes and surroundings. That my family and I were immune, in that sense, to this type of ignorance. Staring into his desperate eyes, I realized why I had tried to automatically classify these people: comfort. Gradually, I was beginning to realize that I was losing him to this very thing that I believed would only happen to other people, in other fam- ilies. The thought of losing him completely terri- fied me. Therefore, this was my answer toa prob- lem that I couldn’t solve. This is where I drew the. line, the reasoning ensued and the walls began to emerge. It was through the categorization of oth- ers that I attempted to comfort myself. However, this false reality that I had created around me and searching for the soul that he claims to have lost so long ago. Dealing With Diabetes ...continued from page 16 blood stream into the rest of your body. Without it, your body doesn’t get nourished and your blood gets more and more saturat- ed with sugar. Before insulin was discovered 75 years ago, diabetics died grim deaths, often within a few years. Untreated, or poor- ly managed, diabetes still leads to blindness, heart and kidney failure, amputations and ' nerye damage. Of course knowledge is.a good thing, but fear tactics using these complica- tions are horrid. Instead of motivating me, going to a recent diabetes seminar and sitting through slide after slide of massive infec- tions, gangrene and amputations just made me angry. 2 It is possible to escape the complications and live a long and healthy life. My personal inspiration has been the words of a diabetic dietitian, “Don’t look on it as a life of restric- tions, but that yow are just taking the best possible care of yourself so that when they find a cure, you'll be a perfect candidate with no irreversible damage.” It ‘seems there’s as much ‘research: going on in making it easier to live with diabetes as there is for a cure or prevention. Although pancreas transplants are done, they are usu- ally only a temporary solution. They work only until the immune system has destroyed the new insulin producing cells.in the trans- planted organ. There has been some success inserting just the cells in a protective coating, but there’s not a great supply of human pan- creas to utilize. Already there is a commonly-used device that pumps insulin in at a. constant and adjustable rate. The size of a beeper, it is external with a little needle that tapes into your skin. Yikes! There (a lot of sweet food, a little high fat food or something in between). Of course, the more similar things are from day to day, the easier it is to know how my body will respond and dose appropriately. I’m always encouraged to eat healthy, well proportioned meals. There is nothing I can’t eat, although I usually moder- ate the quantity and is also’ an_ artificial I just couldn’‘t trade in = ‘™4ulge only occa- internal pancreas that you can program ali my “growing into remotely. Imagine los- sionally; well, I try. The average per- son has BG levels ing ‘that remote ‘me” for better health. between 4.0 and 8.0 behind the couch! Its rumored that soon on the market will be a watch-like device that constantly measures the BG levels. The hope is to link something like that to an artificial pancreas. I’ll be first in line. - my blood or taking injections wherever I am. As shocking and disturbing as some people clearly find it, P’'ve never considered retreating to a dark corner. Besides, some- times I don’t have a choice. And I would resent being forced to deny what I have fought:so hard to eventually accept. I figure people can chose not to look. ; thas really become part of me in the last four years. The great amount of document- ing and test results that I study have become far more of a burden than the negligible pain of each injection. There are around a dozen different types of insulin with different intensities and working durations to cus- tomize dosages to the type of meal I’m eating [> never had any shame about testing (mmol/L: ). I often start feeling sick below 4.0 and. above 12.0, but the biggest challenge is balancing the self imposed restrictions. with pleasure and free- dom. In this even my endocrinologist: concedes the diabetic is usually her/his own best expert. - ' Many hormones can affect blood glucose levels. Things like stress, menstruation, preg- nancy, infections and alcohol have become significant physiological obstacles. In the wake of such hormonal disruptions I try to monitor my levels and learn, but mostly I try to learn to let go of some responsibility for being out of control. Guilt never helps. On a bad day Pll bounce from 2.0 to 22.0 and back. I can’t imagine getting pregnant: When that happens, I’m supposed to keep between 3.0 and 6.0 for nine months straight! he will to live well is not always easy to sustain, and like most people with life-fucking-up-conditions, I’m usu- ally really up or really down about the whole prospect. Part of the inherent therapeutic nature of writing my story, I suppose, is that Pve asked myself a couple new questions. Yes, I decided, if a cure was developed, I'd grab it. But I also thought about who I’ve become in response to my diabetes. If I had the chance then, to have never been afflicted, I don’t think I'd necessarily opt out. I’ll probably live as long as anyone, and I'll deal with any complications as they surface, but I just couldn’t trade in all my “growing into me” for better health. My conceptual grasp of life has been altered and my philosophy has perhaps grown somewhat fatalistic, but I don’t live in memories any more and I don’t live for the dream of attaining my perfect future tomorrow. I live for today, where all possibilities can start. Of course, you can be sure I’m not feeling so optimistic on those days I eat cookie dough for dinner! Ol inside me, once exposed, caused a realization that was both necessary and painful. I suppose when it comes to our families, our friends and ourselves we all create some sense of He's probably still false reality. The more people that I meet in life, the more I realize that we are all, inherently, the same. I realize that the walls of the categories that we create around ourselves and others are very thin. Nearly anything can hap- pen in any family, to any person, from any back- ground. I realize this because he is my long lost friend, my source of anguish and joy, and because he is my brother. Though I haven't seen his eyes in a while, I know that he’s probably still searching for the soul that he claims to have lost so long ago. I imagine sometimes that I feel it moving silently above the trees, searching for his. cloudy eyes. I imagine it passing me by... unrecognizable. Still, I remember those sunny, prairie days and know that his soul will find the way. ce) 20 planet of the arts / spring 1998 IDENTITIES Categorization for Comfort By Ehren Seeland « T: could never happen to me because.” Do you find yourself ‘inking this, saying this, hearing this around you? Never in my life have I been more aveare ofthis im taken back to those clear, sunny days on the pres, days when the dragonflies would sit, languid inthe grass by our feet. can remember his smile, his laugh, and knowing that 1 could always confide in him. havent cen that smile in Sometime. Those sunny, prairie days have cloud ed over with something that no longer ecognize. remember the way that people looked at him in the strets.I knew that they saw something I ida't. They would cross the street as he approached them, eyes cast towards the ground oF larg in our direction. I could fel their anger, their confsion and ther judgments towards him, ‘causing my heart to snk and my stomach ors east until I met his new “frends” that 1 ‘ould begin to comprehend how people could possibly fel this way towards im. Iwas guy of all ofthese things as wel. | found myself expain- ing, rationalizing, questioning and attempting to lasfy them as diferent fom my family and fiends. 1 wanted to see them at emotionally detached misfits. 1 ry family and I were immune, in that sense, to this typeof ignorance. tarng into his desperate eyes, elized why 1 had tried to automatically casify these people: ‘comfort. Gradually. wabeginningto realize that | was losing him to this very thing that I believed ‘would only happen to other peopl n other fam ilies The thought of losing him completly teri fied me. Therefore, this was my answer toa prob- lem tat I couldn't solve. This is where I drew the ine the reasoning ensued and the was began to emerge. It was through the categorization of oth- rs that [attempted to comfort myself, However, this alse reality that I had created around me and Dealing With Diabetes blood stream into the ret of your body. Without it your body doesn get nourished and your blood gets more and more saturat- ‘ed with sugar. Before insulin was discovered 75 years ago, diabetics died grim deaths, ‘often within afew years. Untreated, or poor ly managed, diabetes stil leads to blindness, heart and Kidney failure, amputations and nerve damage OF coorse knowledge isa good ‘thing, but fear tactics using these complic tions ae horrid. Instead of motivating me, ‘going toa recent diabetes seminar and siting through side aftr slide of massive infec: tions, gangrene and amputations just made sme angry. tis posible to escape the complications and live long and healthy life. My personal inspiration has been the words ofa diabetic Ait, "Don't ook on ita ie of restric: ‘ions, but that you are just taking the best possible care of yourself so that when they finda cure, youllbea perfect candidate with no irreversible damage” Te seems there’ as much research going ‘on in making it easier to ive with diabetes 5 there is fora cue or prevention. Although pancreas transplants are done, they are us: ally only a temporary solution, They work ‘only until the immune system has destroyed the new insulin producing callin the trans planted organ. There has been some sucess ‘symptoms of Low Blood Glucose - ‘Person Needs Sugar ee ed ‘aes and ow in at wl wrk Hose ‘peat an emerge the dabei hse Ise a tl oan. Call 11 pone encomcin and drt yt mike them wallow nth dake iin ea weber sume it ibease they do ane enough ‘Giving someone saa could save thee He ‘hee ow and wo rth hye gh {G91 heres improvement 1 nee. So what dota nin ection ok he? 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In the wake of such hormonal disruptions I ty to ‘monitor my levels and eara, but mostly try to learn to let goof some responsibilty for being out of control. Guilt never helps. On a bad day Tl bounce from 20 to 220 and back I can't imagine geting pregnant When that happens, 'm supposed to keep between 530 and 60 for nine months straight! he wl olive well isnot aways easy | to sustain, ad like most people with life fucking up-conditions, I'm usu lly relly up or realy dwn about the whole prospect. Part of the inherent therapeutic nature of writing my story I suppose, that ve asked myself a couple new questions Yes I decided, if a cure was developed, 1 {grab it But I also thought about who I've ‘become in response to my diabetes. IFT had the chance then, to have never been flict T don't think Ta necesarily opt out. 1 probably live as long as anyone, and I'l deat with any complications as they surface, but 1 just coulda’ trade in all my “grosting ito me" for better health. My conceptual grasp of lf has been altered and my philosophy has perhaps grown somewhat fataitic,but I don’ lve in memories any more and I don't live forthe dream of attaining my perfect Future tomorove. ive for today, where all possibilities can start. ‘Of course, you canbe sure I'm not feng So optimistic on those days I cat cookie dough for dinner! Inside me, once exposed, caused a realization that was both necessary and painful I suppose when it comes o our families, our frends and ourselves we all create some sense of sranted to belive that probably still fale reat their upbringing had Hee is ‘The more people that been diferent from Searching for the soul 1 mec in lie the more rin; that thes wee realize that we ar al, values and belies that he claims to have inherent, the same. 1 inated in their homes, realize thatthe walls of and surroundings. That lost so long ago. the categories that we create around ourscves and others are very thin. Nay anything can hap- pen in any family, to any person, from any back ‘ground. I realize this becuse he is my long, lost friend, my source of anguish and joy and because tne is my brother. Though [havent sen his eyes in a ‘while, know that he's probably stl searching for the soul that he claims to have lost so Tong ago. 1 imagine sometimes that I fe it moving silently above the tees, searching for his dowdy eyes. 1 imagine it passing me by. unrecognizable: Stil, 1 remember those sunny, prairie days and know that his soul wil find the way.