photographs by Leslie Grant Is This erry sat on his bed and from where he sat he could see Benny walking up the path that led from the front yard, through the gate, and along the side of the garage to the back yard. The only windows Jerry had in his garage room looked out onto the path and then at the wooden fence that was covered with ivy. Jerry had heard the click of the gate closing, and then he had watched Benny as he walked. Then Benny was in the garage and Jerry sat smoking a cigarette in his underwear and a tee-shirt. “What are you doing?” “Nothing,” Jerry said. “Maybe I’m gonna tell Mom that you’re smoking in here.” “OK,” and then, “she’s not home any- how.” “Let’s watch TV.” SOK” Jerry put on his pants and then in the. house he drank some milk out of the carton from the refrigerator. : “I hope Mary Tyler Moore is on,” he said. Benny had turned on the television and was watch- ing Star Trek but Jerry hated that show so they ended up watching a 21 Jumpstreet rerun. Jerry wished he hadn’t drunk the milk because it was making his stomach hurt. He knew vaguely that he hadn’t eaten for awhile but he couldn’t remember how long and he wasn’t even hungry, instead his stomach just hurt. When Maria came over Jerry said ‘hello’ to her staring at her shoulder because he had devel- oped quite a difficulty looking her in the eyes when he spoke to her so he stared at her shoulder instead. _ Then he stared dully at the television screen. “Oh I was on my way to Anna’s house,” Maria said, stopping abruptly. “That blonde girl,” “Yeah, Lenny and-” “Oh that girl.” “Do you want to go?” “OK,” Jerry said. Maria followed him into the garage where he pulled on his shoes and put his cigarettes and some matches in his pocket and then found his house keys. The room smelled faintly like stale smoke and Jerry was beginning to sweat along his upper lip and near his temples. Maria was wear- ing a men’s tank top and Jerry stared at her shoulder and said, ‘OK?”. Maria nodded looking past him and her dark, bobbed hair bounced a little. Jerry noticed that it was shiny with pomade. Jerry and Lenny did lines in the bathroom and then Jerry and Anna did some lines and Maria fed Anna’s pet fish and then sat on Anna’s bed next to Jerry. Jerry felt as if she wanted to touch him the way she was sitting and leaning a little, and he drew his knee up to his face and gnawed on his knee through the tan material of his pants. It was an old habit and in the summer when Jerry sometimes wore shorts his right knee would have dried blood on it from where he had been gnawing at it. Maria seemed to pull away from him a little and then he was in the living room with Lenny and Lenny was looking for something to drink. Later walking to Sid’s house Jerry didn’t feel much after three drinks but he could see that © Maria’s cheeks were flushed and Lenny was quite red and speaking loudly to Anna. The sun was hot and bright, the sidewalk and cement street almost white and the front lawns they passed almost a glow- ing green. When Maria grabbed Jerry’s baseball hat he knew that she wanted to kiss him and he chased her and tackled her onto a sloping front lawn up the street. He kissed her and she smelled of whiskey and he stood up awkward on his long legs and put his baseball hat back on. She lay for a minute watching him with the sun on her face and as she lay on the grass Jerry remembered when Maria had gotten hit by the soccer ball in eighth grade gym class and he’d been standing next to her and he’d seen her get hit and then fall. Maria had been hit in the face and when he reached out his arm to help her up from where she sat on the playing field, before she’d taken his hand, Jerry had seen her bloody mouth, he’d seen the blood on her lip and the blood bright on her teeth. Maria stood up as Lenny and Anna reached them. Lenny was trying to piggy-back Anna but she was a big girl, she had quite a figure, and plus Lenny was somewhat short and a little drunk. They were both laughing and Jerry sort-of hated Anna and the way her hair fell in white bunches around her face and her creamy skin. Jerry felt rather justified in dis- liking Anna and so he grabbed Maria’s hand tightly and broke into a run, partly because he wanted to get away from Anna and not caring if she realized this, and mostly because all the speed had made him feel excited. At Sid’s house Sid was in his bathrobe drinking a seven and seven and he let Lenny make some for himself and Jerry and Maria. Sid was wear- ing his sateen boxing trunks under his bathrobe and Jerry felt the inevitability of a boxing match and when he went to do some more lines in Sid’s bath- room he stopped in Sid’s bedroom on the way back What You Wanted? It was an old habit and in the summer when Jerry sometimes wore shorts his right knee would have dried blood on it from where he had been gnawing at it. influx: Magazine April 1999 Is This What You Wanted? by Leslie Grant cerry sat on his bed and ffom where he sat he ould see Benny walking up the path that led fom the front yard, dough the gate, and along the side of the garage tothe back yard. The only windows Jerry had in his garage room looked ‘out nto the path and then atthe wooden fence that tras covered with Jerry had heard the click of the ft closing, and then he ad watched Benny 28 he Wralled.'Then Benny was inthe garage an Jerry sat “Emoking a cigarette in his underwear and a ice-shirt. “What are you doing” “Nothing” Jerry sa “Maybe Tim gonna tell Mom that youre smoking in here.” OK," and then, “she's not home any bow = *OK: Jerry put on his pants and then in the Inoue he drank some mill out ofthe carton from the religerator “Lhope Mary Tler Moore is on," he said Benny had turned onthe television and was watch ing Star Tick but Jerry hated that show s0 they frnded up watching. 21 Jumpstect rerun. Jery Wwshed he Bada’t drunk the mak because it was ‘making his stomach hurt. He new vaguely hat he had eaten for ale but he couldn't remember how Tong and he wasn't even Hungry, instead his stomach jst hurt swatch TV! ‘When Maria came over Jerry sid hel! ther staring at her shoulder because he had devel ‘oped quite a dificulty looking he in the eyes when be spoke to hero he stared at er shoulder instead. ‘Then he stared duly atthe television screen, "Oh Tas on my ay to Anna's house” Maria said, stopping abropy “that blonde gi" “Yeah, Lenny and” “Ob that ge” “Do you want to go?" “OK Jery sid. Maia followed hm into the garage where he pled on hit shoes and put his ‘garetts and some matches in his pocket and then {ound his howse key. The room smelled faintly ike stale smoke and Jerry was beginning to sweat long bis upper ip and near hi temples. Maia was wear ‘nga men's ank top and Jerry stared at her shoulder land said, OK". Maria nodded locking past him fd her dark, bobbed hair bounced ite Jerry ‘otied that twas shiny with pomade, Jerry and Lenny id lne inthe bathroom and then jer and Anna did some lines and Maria fed Anna's pet Ssh and then sat on Anna's bed next to ery Jer fel af she wanted to touch him the ‘way she wat siting and lening a ite, and he drew his nce up to his face and gnawed on his nce through the tan material of his pans. twas an old hab and inthe summer when Jerry sometimes Wore shorts his right knee would have dried blood on it from where he had been gnawing at it Maria seemed to pull away ffom him a litle and then he tras inthe living room with Lenny and Lenny was looking for something to drink. ‘Later walking to Sis house Jerry diet feel much after three drinks but he could ace that, Mara’ cheeks were fushed and Lenny was quite ‘red and speaking loudly to Anna, The sun was hot land bright, the sidewalk and cement street almost, ‘whi and the font awn they passed almost glow ing green. When Maria grabbed Jerry's baseball hat he Knew tht she wanted to shim and be chased. her and tackled her ono a sloping font lawn up the stret. He kissed her and she mele of whiskey and he stood up awkward on his long legs and put his tseball hat back on. Shela fra minute watching him with the sun on er face and as she ly on the rss Jerey remembered when Maria had gsten hit by the soccer ballin eighth grade gym clas and he'd ‘ben standing next to er and he'd scen er gt hit fd then fal, Maria had been Bit the face and ‘ven he reached out his arm to help er up fom where she sat on the paving fied before she'd taken bis hand, Jerry had seen her Bloody mouth he'd seen the blood on her lip andthe blood bright on her teeth, Maria stood up as Lenny and Anna reached ‘hem. Lenny was eying to pigy-back Anna but she ‘wae a big gi he ad quite a igure, and plus Lenny eas somewhat short and a litle drunk. They were both Inighing and Jerry sorta hated Anna and the way her hair fl in white bunches around her face tnd her creamy skin, Jery fl rather justified in dive king Anna and so he graboed Maria's hand tightly and broke into run, parly because he wanted £0 fet away from Anna and not caring if she realized ‘his and monty because all the speed had made him feel excited 'At Sid's house Sid wat in his bathrobe rinking a seven and seven and be let Lenay make ‘some for himself and Jerry and Mara id was wear ing his sateen boxing trunks under his bathrobe and Jerry fet the inevitability of a boxing match and ‘when he went to do some more lines in Sis bath- ‘oom he stopped in Sis bedroom on the way back It was an old habit and in the summer when Jerry sometimes wore shorts his right knee would have dried blood on it from where he had been gnawing at it. influx: Magazine April 1999