december 1997 / planet of the arts 13 SERENDIPITOUS SPACES Broken Telepersonals The Operator's Story ‘m really not into taking calls, because it’s late at night and I’m getting pretty tired: I’m reading my magazine and listening to music. | can do that by having my head- set in one ear for the customers, my walkman headphone in the other for my music, and that keeps my hands free to turn the pages. I work at Ma Bell during the summer. I’m the told to Jonathan L And then all of a sudden, she asks me if I like Morrissey! This is exactly what she says: “You know what, do you like Morrissey?” And I’m like, “Ya.” And then she goes, “I love you.” And I’m thinking, “You're mental, lady, you’re weird!” And so we keep talking about Morrissey, and I tell her that I don’t like Morrissey by himself — ander t's approximately half-way through August on a warm Saturday night in Abbotsford. My parents are away for the weekend and my younger brother is hav- ing a party. I get home from work and find lots of people at my house. I listen to my answering machine messages. There’s a bunch of them, as usual, and one of them is from my best friend in the entire uni- verse, Sarah Bentley. Sarah Alyssa’s Account out.” I ask him, “All I want is the area code for Banff” So he gives it to me. But in the meantime, something hits me. It’s something very powerful and magical. The air sort of clears and it’s as if a beam of light falls down over me. I realize that the voice of this per- son who I’m talking to has got to be the voice of : a Morrissey fan! It has to be! There is something four-one-one, zero, and Canada Direct operator. All of a sudden I hear this irritating buzz in my ear! It’s a customer. So I just kinda say, “Hello.” This girl goes, “Hello?” And I’m like, “Hello!?” She says, “Are you the operator?” I go, “Ya, didn’t you dial zero?” She goes, “Ya, but you don’t sound like an operator.” And I’m like, “Well this is the operator, what do you want?” I’m being so informal, I’m kinda being an asshole; I mean, I’m being disturbed! I’m sitting there doing my own thing and this customer calls in! So she asks for some area code — | don't remember which one, I think it was Saskatchewan or Alberta — so I give it to her. I like him with The Smiths, with Johnny Marr. She says, “Ya, that’s cool... do you like The Cure, too?” I go, “Actually, ?’m listening to The Cure right now,” which I was, and she starts freaking out. I was thinking, “This girl’s so screwed up in the head.” I mean, how could she say “I love you” when she doesn’t even know who the person on the other end is? I’m picturing her to be this heavy-set, depressed Goth chick. My friend at work is sit- ting beside me and she goes, “What are you doing, are you hitting on this girl?” I’m like, “No, cmere, lis- TION BY JONATHAN LANDER My friend plugs into the call, starts listening, and begins cracking up. We both start OTOGR, H BY ALEXANDER DUFF 7 aRT py laughing at how strange this per- son on the other end is. So we keep on talking, and the girl asks me where I am, so I tell her, “In Vancouver.” She’s like, “Oh my God, no way! I’m going to be in Vancouver in two weeks!” I go, “Why?” going to eleni this orientation for Foundation,” she says. I'm like, “Okay... at Emily Carr?” She’s like, “Ya.” I’m like, “You're not going to believe this, but I go to Emily Carr, too.” She goes, “No way, you're lying!” And I go, “Ya, I go to Emily Carr. I’m in third year Graphic Design.” And she’s like, “Shut up! What’s youre and I have been friends for about a year and a half. About three days earlier she had moved away to Banff to work in the cigar shop at the Banff Springs Hotel. (She has since broken all previous cigar sales records there.) The reason Sarah phoned was to leave me her new telephone number. But she neglected to leave the area code for Banff. I’m so excited to talk to her, but I need the area code. I think [ll try the operator. So, like any other normal human being who wants to talk to operator, I pick’: -up-° ‘the phone and I dial an Zero. Ring, ring, ring. I hear, “Hello!?” in a totally pissed-off voice. Now, I call the operator a lot, and I know that they're supposed to say: “Hello BC Tel operator, how may I help you?” But all I hear is “Hello.” I think that I’ve dialed the wrong number. So I say, “Uhh, hello?” And then again I hear, “Hello!” I finally ask, “BC Tel operator?” And this person says, “Ya?” I say, “Christ, I thought I dialed the wrong number!” He says to me, “How could you dial zero wrong? It’s the operator, it’s one button.” So we were becoming a little testy with each other. I’m thinking, “Well, whatever buddy, chill name?” continued on page 14, see “The Operator” universally distinct in the voice of a Morrissey fan. I take a deep breath, cross my fingers, and say, “Tm sorry to bother you again, but are you by any chance a Morrissey fan?” He says that he likes Morrissey, but that he’s really a Smiths fan. And henceforth begins the huge conversation that must begin between any Morrissey fan and Smiths fan. Fifteen minutes — I swear to God — fifteen minutes goes by and this operator and J are talk- ing about The Smiths, and Morrissey, and Morrissey’s new album, Morrissey’s upcoming concert, what our favourite albums are, etc. This is a conversation I’ve had a hundred times with a hundred other Morrissey fans. It’s what just has to happen. continued on page 14, see “Alyssa” ‘ Ws Deep ere Cdensevn VO su0” HAWd Ditwh 3 kuvrteen STAND f2wAkyd prewW SERENDIPITOUS SPACES december 1997 / planet of the arts 13 Broken Telepersonals told to Jonathan Lander The Operator's Story “pn really not into taking calls because is Jat at night and tm geting prety tie m reading my magazine and tengo visi. an do that by having my head set in one car for the customers, my walkman headphone in the ater for my muss and that keeps my hands free to tur the pages [work at Ma Bll during the summer. 1m the four-one-one, zero and Canada Ditet operator. {Al ofa sudden I ear this irritating buzz in fy cat IRS a customer, So 1 just Kinda sy Hello This gil goes, "Helo?™ And im ik, “Helo? ‘She say, "Are you the operator?” 1 go.°%s did you dal er?” She goes “Vs, but you don't sound like an operator “And Im like, "Wel this is the operator, what do you wan” bing so informal, kinda bei hole 1 mean, tm being disturbed! 1m siting there doing my own thing and this castomer ells int So she asks for some area code = 1 dont remember which one, 1 think it was Soskatchewan or Alberta ~s0 I giv i to he. ks mei ike Morrissey! This is exactly what she says °Y And then al sudden, she. ow what, do you Tike Morrissey?” And 'm ik," {And then she goes “lve you And m thinking. "Youre mental lady, you're wir And so we keep talking about Morrissey, and el her that I dont ike Morisey by himself — 1 tke him with The Smith, with Johny Mart ‘he says “Vy that’s ool. do ou lke The 1 go, “Actually, Ym listening to. The Cure Fight nov” which I was, and she stars freaking ‘out. Las thinking, “This els so serewed up in the head” I mean, how could she say “I love you" when she doesnt even know w the person onthe other end ism picturing her to be this heavy-set, depressed Goth chick My fiend at work is sit ting beside me and she goes, “What are you doing, are you iting on this gic 1m like, “No, einere, lis My fiend plugs into the call stants listening, and begins crac laughing on on the cer end is So we heep om talking, and the gel asks me where Lam, s tell her.“ Vancouver” ‘up. We both start at how strange this pet: She’ ike,"Oh my God, nosy Tm going to bein Vancouver in two Weck I go."Why? “Ym going to this orientation for tion she sys at Emily Care? Yue not going to believe this but 1 got Emily Cars, 00 ‘he goes,°No way; youre ying! Ant go," goto Emily Cart. im in third year Graphic Design. And she’ like, Shut up! Whats you're Alyssa’s Account 5 approximately halfway. through August on a warm Saturday night in Abbotsford. My parents are away for the weekend and my youngee brothers ha: ing a party. I get home from work and find lots of people at my house Histen 19 my answering machine message. Theres bunch of them, as usual, and one of them is from my best friend inthe entire uni vers, Sarah Bentley. Sarah and 1 have been friends for about a year and a halt About thece days cali she had moved a to Banff to work in the cigar shop at the Banff Springs Hotel (She has since broken all previ Is cgar sales records ther. The reason Sarah Phoned was to leave meher new telephone number, But she neglected to eave the aa code for Banf. 1m so excited t0 talk to her, but 1 need the area code Think FL ty the operator. So, ke any other normal human being who wants 0. talk 0 an operator, 1 ick up the phone and I dal Ring ring, ing, hear “Hello?” ina totally pssod-off oie. [Now cll the operator lot, and know that they're supposed to say: “Hello BC Tel operator, how may Uhelp you?” But all 1 hear is “Hello” 1 ‘think that ve dialed the wrong number, So sy ‘Ui, hello? And then again I hear, "Hello finally sk, "BC Tal operator™ ‘And this person sys "a 1 say, “Chris, I thought I dialed the wrong, He says to me, How could you dial zero tor its one button wrong? It's the ope So we were becoming a litle testy with each othe. im thinking, “Well, whatever bud, chill ‘out I ask him, “All want is the area code for Bani? So he gives it to me But inthe miantime, something hits me, Is something very powerful and magical. The air sort of clears and it as if «cam of light fll oven over me ealze hat the voice of his pe son who Fm talking to has got to be the voice of ‘Morisey fan! It has tobe! Theres something universally distinct inthe voice of » Morrisey fan ake a dep breath, cross my Ginger, and sy Ym sorry to bother you again, but are you by any chance a Morssey fan?” He say that he likes Morrisey, but that he's really a Smiths fan. And henceforth begins the huge conversation that must begin between any Morrissey fan and Smiths fn. Fiften minutes =I swear to God ~ fifteen minutes goes by and this operator and are alk ing about The Smiths, and Morrissey, and Morrissey new album, Morrisey upcoming ‘concer, what our favourite albums are, ete. This isa comversationI'vehad a hundred times with hundred other Morrissey fans. ts what just as to happen, contin onpge 14s “Ay”