bi od

minion’s hand clamped down
on the back of my neck,
wheeled me around and
slapped the nozzle of the
stalk to my forehead. | had
barely enough time to

affix the strip of canvas to
my face

Mimicking the stiff di-
rectionless shuffle of the
other minions | allowed
myself to be escorted to the
doors of Maingate. A plate of
yoghurt treats in little styro-
foam tubs was placed in my
hands. | wandered outside,
slowly working my way to the
furthest edge of Maingate’s pe-
rimeters, weakly hawking yoghurt.

“Uh, yoghurt treats... so, er, So
good for you. Mmm.” A middle aged
couple, each carrying a young child
stopped-beside-me..t tried to hiss at
them they should leave at once.

“Gesundheit !” said the husband
aimiably.”Would you like some yoghurt,
dear ?” he said to the little girl in his
arms, then to his wife : “Would you,
honey ?”

“Yes, | think | would.” said the
woman, “Four yoghurts, please.” she said
to me.

“No !” | screamed, “Get the hell away
from me, you don’t want this shit!” They
appeared startled, uncertain of what to do
next. The husband began to ask me if | had
another flavour, then ?... "Go on !” | yelled,
“Piss off, don’t come back ! Get those kids
away from here, don’t you see this stalk on
my head ? Do you want one on your
children’s ?” They evidently did not see
any stalk, but they were beginning to
understand they were in some sort of
danger. They began backing away into the
street. Finally they broke in terror and ran
away, dodging traffic and the yoghurt treats
being flung at them, threatening with every
second step to sue me.

| tore the hose from my head, the
canvas was quickly sucked away with a
gurgle. The other minions continued crying
out the word ‘yoghurt’ and waving coupons,
but as they did so they were also moving
rapidly to hedge me into the square. | tried
to run; but with each step that touched
earth, the cobbled bricks that made up the
square crumbled to bits, affording me no
traction at all.

At that moment then, a minor earth-
quake struck, with a seismographic reading
of approximately 0.0013 , it’s focal point
being a stop sign a few feet to my right.
The shock was only enough to shiggle the
yoghurt treats off several of the minion’s
trays but it left them standing there, totally
uncertain of what to do. While they all
stood uselessly about staring at the treats
melting on the concrete, | made good my
escape.

7

| WAS NICE AND POLITE

planet of bhe arks winter edition

WHEN | DROPPED THE EIGHT BALL BUT ADONIS GOT SORE AND GAVE HIS

JYMOIM 3HL 900118

rminion’s hand clamped down
fon the back of my neck,
whoelad me around and
slapped the nozzle of the
stak to my forehead. ! had
barely enough time to
affix the strip of canvas to
my face
Mimicking the sti i
rectionless shutto of the
‘ther minions l allowed
myself tobe escorted to the
‘doors of Maingate. A plate of
yoghurt treats in ite styro-
‘foam tubs was placed in my
hands. | wandered outside,
slowly working my way tothe
furthest edge of Maingato's pe-
rimoters, weakly hawking yoghurt.
"Uh, yoghurt treats... 80, ef, 30
{900d for you. Mmm.” A middle aged
‘couple, each carrying a young child
stopped beside me. | tried to hiss at
‘thom they should leave at once.
"Gosundheit I said the husband
simiably."Would you lke some yoghurt,
dear 7” he said to the litle gil in his
‘arms, then to his wie: "Would you,
honey 7"
"Yes, | think | would.” said the
‘woman, "Four yoghurts, please.” she said
tom

“No FI screamed, "Get the hell away
‘rom me, you don't want this shit” They
‘appeared startled, uncertain of what to do
‘next. The husband began to ask me i! had
‘another flavour, hen 7... Go on II yelled,
“Piss off, don't come back | Get those kids
away from here, don't you see this stalk on
my head ? Do you want one on your
children's 2° They evidently did not see
any stalk, but they were beginning to
Understand they were in some sort of
danger. They began backing away into the
street. Finaly thay broke in terror and ran
‘away, dodging traffic and the yoghurt treats
boing flung at them, threatening with every
‘second stop to sue me,

tore the hose from my head, the
canvas was quickly sucked away with a
{uigle. The other minions continued crying
‘out the word ‘yoghurt’ and waving coupons,
‘but as they did so they were also moving
rapidly to hedge me into the square I'ried
‘to run; but with each step that touched
‘earth, the cobbled bricks that made up the
‘square crumbled to bits, affording me no
traction at al.

‘Atthat moment then, a minor earth-
‘quake struck, with a selsmographic reading
‘of approximately 0.0013 t's focal point
boing a stop sign a few foct to my right.
The shock was only enough to shiggle the
yoghurt treats off several ofthe minion’s
trays but itt them standing there, totaly
‘uncertain of what to do. While they all
stood uselessly about staring atthe treats
melting on the concrete, | made good my
escape,