_ ARIES (March 21 - April 20) Watch out for that truck!! Here it comes, oh my God!! Pant, pant, pant, you've woken up and hell what a bad dream! Perhaps you should stay awake from now on. Lots of cof- fee. I see lots of coffee in your fu- ture. OH, and cute little pink pills too. TAURUS (April 21 - , May 21) Has it ever occurred to you that nothing rhymes with turnip? Well some- thing could, but ... Well, eat lots and lots of turnips. They’re cheap, they’re eco- nomical and they make your breath smell great. This is very important, be- cause there is a cute little Pisces that you keep ignoring. (Hint hint) GEMINI (May 22 - June 21) Oh, we’ re off to see the wizard, the | wonderful wizard of cheesefood. Why ? Because, because, be- fright. Forget to open the fridge be- fore reaching for that carton of milk, and you may hurt yourself. Please be extra careful with that carton of milk once you’ ve actually pulled it out of the fridge properly, especially if your love starts laughing hysteri- cally. VIRGO (August 24 - September 23) It’s new, it’s improved, it glows in the dark, it eats too much, it’s ozone cause... because of the wonderful things it does. Like stick to your nose, stick to- turnips, stick to everything except your stomach. It sort of smears, or maybe stretches down into your stomach from the roof of your mouth. This really has nothing to do with forecasting your future, does it ? CANCER (June 22 - July 21) I fore- see a small fuzzy green thing with little yellow slug-like eyes crawling into what’s left of the macaroni you had the night before. I foresee your roommate getting up in the morn- ing, and being the oinker that he/ she is, proceeding to chow down on something that resembles a moldy Xmas mandarin orange. LEO (July 24 - August 23) Jump to the left, jump to the right, jump in front of a courier, give yourself a friendly, it’s the amazing Virgo!! It slices, it dices, it digests. It belches loudly in fancy restaurants. If it’s male, it’ll piss on the seat. If it’s a dog, it’ll piss on your leg. Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. LIBRA (September 24 - October 23) Take your loved one out for a stroll in the park. Have a lovely meal, buy some blue cheese and crackers, drink some wine, be bel- ligerent. And then do something truly romantic and belch into each other’s mouths. Then become ex- tremely disgusted, and hunt down Spiritual Bunny with a cheese knife. SCORPIO (October 24 - Novem- ber 22) As Mars enters into your sign, and Jupiter trailing behind it, and Saturn behind that, and then Uranus and Neptune, Planet X, Ribus IV, etc... You may suddenly realize that the BLACK HOLE that swallowed up Pluto last month has decided to lay eggs in your nasal passages. What a great way to get rid of unwanted guests. ‘Oh, ex- cuse me, I have to SNEEZE... ‘ SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 22) My mother phoned me up this morning and went into great detail on how she carefully - added Smarties to green Jello, just before it set. I then roid her \now 1 ioved to add plastic bags full of grenadine and corn syrup to red Jello, so that when you cut into it, it bled. The end. CAPRICORN (Decem- ber 23 - January 20) Hee- hee-heee. He he he ho ho, Haaahaaaaa!! (SNORT) Ho ho ho hee heee, snicker snicker, ha HAA!! I’m sorry, every time I start, I just can’t help it ..HAAA HA HA HA. YO HO HO HO, MERRY CHRIST- MAS!! YO HO HO DING-a-ling ding dong. Neato burrito... (snicker) AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 19) This month, you’ll - almost certainly see at least 11 Strange events. But not to worry, none of them will have any sort of effect on your life. Yeah, right. An example would be the sight of a seagull with its rear end pointing into the wind so that its tail feathers fan out and make it look like a tur- key. It will look as if it’s enjoying itself. | PISCES (February 20 - March 20) A very mysterious event will take place soon, but I’m not going to tell because it’s a surprise (at approxi- mately 1:32 AM on Saturday, De- cember 24), a seven foot tall turnip coloured alien-being will abduct you, smack you over the head with — a leek and force you to kiss a Tau- rus. Right on the lips! OH WHAT FUN !!! (Kinda’ reminds you of soup, doesn’t it?) Ptanet ptexoscope ARIES (March 21 - April 20) Watch out for that truck!! Here it comes, oh my God!! Pant, pant, pant, you've woken up and hell what a bad dream! Perhaps you should stay awake from now on. Lots of cof- fee. I see lots of coffee in your fu- ture. OH, and cute little pink pills too. TAURUS (April 21 - May 21) Has it ever occurred to you that nothing rhymes with turnip? Well some- thing could, but ... Well, eat lots and lots of turnips. They’re cheap, they're eco- nomical and they make your breath smell great. This is very important, be- cause there is a cute little Pisces that you keep ignoring. (Hint hint) GEMINI (May 22 - June 21) Oh, we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of cheesefood. Why ? Because, because, be- cause... because of the wonderful things it does. Like stick to your nose, stick to turnips, stick to everything except your stomach. It sort of smears, or maybe stretches down into your stomach from the roof of your mouth. This really has nothing to do with forecasting your future, does it ? CANCER (June 22 - July 21) I fore- see a small fuzzy green thing with little yellow slug-like eyes crawling into what’s left of the macaroni you had the night before. I foresee your roommate getting up in the morn- ing, and being the oinker that he/ she is, proceeding to chow down on something that resembles a moldy Xmas mandarin orange. LEO (July 24 - August 23) Jump to the left, jump to the right, jump in front of a courier, give yourself a fright. Forget to open the fridge be- fore reaching for that carton of milk, and you may hurt yourself. Please be extra careful with that carton of milk once you’ve actually pulled it out of the fridge properly, especially if your love starts laughing hysteri- cally. VIRGO (August 24 - September 23) It’s new, it’s improved, it glows in the dark, it eats too much, it’s ozone friendly, it’s the amazing Virgo!! It slices, it dices, it digests. It belches loudly in fancy restaurants. If it’s male, it'll piss on the seat. If it’s a dog, it'll piss on your leg. Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. LIBRA (September 24 - October 23) Take your loved one out for a stroll in the park. Have a lovely meal, buy some blue cheese and crackers, drink some wine, be bel- ligerent. And then do something truly romantic and belch into each other’s mouths. Then become ex- tremely disgusted, and hunt down Spiritual Bunny with a cheese knife. SCORPIO (October 24 - Novem- ber 22) As Mars enters into your sign, and Jupiter trailing behind it, and Saturn behind that, and then Uranus and Neptune, Planet X, Ribus IY, etc... You may suddenly realize that the BLACK HOLE that swallowed up Pluto last month has decided to lay eggs in your nasal passages. What a great way to get rid of unwanted guests. ‘Oh, ex- cuse me, I have to SNEEZE... * SAGITTARIUS (November 23 - December 22) My mother phoned me up this morning and went into great detail on how she carefully — added Smarties to green Jello, just before it set. I then roid her\now Lioved to add plastic bags full of grenadine and corn syrup to red Jello, so that when you cut into it, it bled. The end. CAPRICORN (Decem- ber 23 - January 20) Hee- hee-heee. He he he ho ho, Haaahaaaaa!! (SNORT) Ho ho ho hee heee, snicker snicker, ha HAA!! I’m sorry, every time I start, I just can’t help it ..HAAA HA HA HA. YO HO HO HO, MERRY CHRIST- MAS!! YO HO HO DING-a-ling ding dong. Neato burrito... (snicker) AQUARIUS (January 21 - February 19) This month, you’ll almost certainly see at least 11 strange events. But not to worry, none of them will have any sort of effect on your life. Yeah, right. An example would be the sight of a seagull with its rear erid pointing into the wind so that its tail feathers fan out and make it look like a tur- key. It will look as if it’s enjoying itself. PISCES (February 20 - March 20) A very mysterious event will take place soon, but I’m not going to tell because it’s a surprise (at approxi- mately 1:32 AM on Saturday, De- cember 24), a seven foot tall turnip coloured alien-being will abduct you, smack you over the head with a leek and force you to kiss a Tau- rus. Right on the lips! OH WHAT FUN !!! (Kinda’ reminds you of soup, doesn’t it?)