eo
am °

" It takes a slick and polished family man
to properly drive a mini-van..." |

By Adam Schroeder

lam driving a mini-van. | know you’d understand
if | simply put “minivan”, but even that minor a
change would be giving it more acceptance than it
deserves. | find it necessary to point out that a real
mini-van is a bastardization of a regular van, that it is
not even a real vehicle. That through driving it, | am
not a real person. It takes a slick and polished family
man to properly drive a mini-van, and |
haven’t even the beginnings of a family. My
hair has little wings that stick out behind my
ears. | see the mini-van and its correct driver
occupying a specific niche in this universe.
As we are, | see this mini-van and | as not
really existing at all, existing only as a van-
shaped void, hurtling down the highway.

-lam properly dressed with the right
shoes, shirt, tie, pants, yet | feel so out of
sorts dressed like this, it’s as though I’m
wearing basketball shoes and tuxedo pants -
| simply don’t fit - yet | continue, driving this
mini-van down the highway. Trees rush by.
A lake. There is no other time or place | can
put my finger on which it would suit me
more to inhabit, no place of which I’ve seen
or hear, but | know that being where | am is
wrong. | see the objects and landscape of
the existence we perceive around us as
being a very thin shell, that if we were to
wait until the right moment while our
relatives crowd onto the porch to watch the
sun go down behind the hills, that if we
were to wait and then suddenly turn and
run at it, we could crash through those hills
and sunset like it was glass. Or jello. |
imagine my arrival on the other side of this
existence, the surrounding outside of it, as
though it were a cartoon panel. A man
breaks through a wall of jello.

Now I’ve gone too far, too specific. But
who could drive a mini-van and not feel as
though the road itself were of very thin stuff, as fragile
as paper, not feel oneself sliding mutely across a
perfectly flat piece of blacktop, into oblivion?

At times | have felt as though | were truly
connected to this life, but later I’ve found that it was
only with the spindliest of ties.

|-had just graduated college and | was at a party
with some of the people from my new job. Office
people. We listened to “Bad To The Bone” and felt,
half-drunk on light beer, that within our circle of
dickhead office managers and spinster typists we were
the nastiest, the sexiest, the hardest-edged of the lot.
Though | was a foolish amateur when it came to
looping a tie around my neck each morning; | would
give up and consult a piece of cardboard my old
roommate had neatly diagrammed the procedure on.
Walking past the partners’ offices each morning I'd
feel sure my white collar and shoulders were covered
with a hundred inky fingerprints from elementary
school teachers and fraternity boys who had helped

me tie my tie. | was the lowest of the low echelons.
But when it came time to cut loose with the other
guys, then Hell, don’t hold me back, | was far more of
a person, an actual man, than any grudging born-in-
his-suit office sweetheart. Still I’d flirt with the
secretaries, feeling at times that maybe | was that
executive, in a plush swivel chair behind Venetian
blinds, when at five o’clock the secretary’s boyfriend
would appear in shirt-tails and cap. Sure, he could say
to himself that he’d worked with his hands all day and

had nothing to be ashamed of, but who was it that his
girlfriend put her make-up and heels on for, forty
waking hours of the week?

At a Saturday night party with the office crowd, |
was introduced to a stylish Asian girl. She was five
years older than | was; | don’t want to say outright
that | was attracted to her because she was Oriental,
but it did have something to do with it. She was a
few feet away from any of the circles | had fallen in
with previously. She had a mystique beyond the girls

who'd been around at college, a mystique enhanced
when it turned out she didn’t have a job pushing
papers. Julia was a dental assistant. It sounds terrible
to generalize so much - as a person she was quick to
smile, but wasn’t one of those damned sunny people
who are always grinning because they don’t know any
better. Her attraction to me must’ve been that in
being so exceptionally pale and conservative, | was
unique. | remember being bumped and prodded by
the half-assed soulful dancing in the room and ,
offering her a beer. Light beer was new on the market
- | was trying to impress her. Julia wanted a scotch.
We moved onto the deck, into the cool.

Three weeks on | was picking her up from the
dental clinic at quarter to six and putting a pot of
water onto her stove. Making pasta. With her in my
life, work became synonymous to me with wasting
time, but | knew that she was smarter than me, and |
would have to keep impressing her somehow. | knew
that wearing a shirt and tie to work each day gave me
value, though | barely knew what it was that | was
doing from day to day. Though it had taken six years
after high school to learn my profession, | had only a
finger hold on it. And with each day it
mattered less and less to me whether or not
| learned anything more. Julia knew the
world, she had a son, she had a sense of the
events happening around us, she even
knew how to tie a tie, though | never let on
that | was struggling.

| talked to Julia about moving in with
her. Though she had plenty of room her
son had always lived with his grandmother.
| wouldn’t be in the way, how could 1? She
and | were two halves, and it’s not as
though | would commandeer her space for
myself, | lived for her. | worked hard every
day, so hard they joked | must be trying to
raise kids. But it was all a haze. On Friday
nights we would go dancing, go for late
walks afterwards and | would feel strong
and protective of her. She let me. Julia and
|, no, that sounds too distinct, the two of us
would go shopping for music together,
spend Saturdays drinking tea and going to
the park. | never thought of our future too
exactly, | just wanted one day to be as good
as the one before it. That was it.

| found out one day through a client
that a few weeks previous Julia had bought
a plane ticket to Portugal. | jumped in the
car and caught her on the sidewalk as she
was coming back from lunch, and pulled
the little car up on the curb. | stood in
front of her.

“So you're going away.”

“Yes. I’m going on Monday.”

“Didn’t think it was necessary to tell me?”

“It never hurt anyone to have time apart. | didn’t
want you to dwell on it.”

“Dwell on it.”

“I’m still here, aren’t |?”

| spat in her face.

| saw her when she came back from Portugal as
she was returning a library book. | was putting gas in
the car. She smiled at me.

End Part One

",,.we were the nastiest, the sexiest,
the hardest edged of the lot."
RACE

"It takes a slick and polished family man

to properly drive a mini-van.

By Adam Schroeder

1am driving a minivan. | know you'd understand
if simply put “minivan”, but even that minor a
‘change would be giving it more acceptance than it
deserves. | find it necessary to point out that areal
mini-van isa bastardization of a regular van, that itis
not even a real vehicle. That through driving it, | am
nota real person. It takes a slick and polished family
rman to properly drive a mink-van, and |
haven't even the beginnings of a family. My
hair has fitle wings that stick out behind my
‘ears, | ee the mini-van and its correct driver
‘occupying a specific niche in this universe.
‘As we are, | see this mini-van and | as not
really existing at ll, existing only asa van-
shaped void, hurting down the highway.
11am properly dressed withthe right,
shoes, shir tie, pants, yet | fel so out of
sorts dressed like this, it’s as though I'm
‘wearing basketball shoes and tuxedo pants -
I simply don't it - yet | continue, driving this
rmini-van down the highway. Trees rush by.
Allake. There is no other time or place I can
put my finger on which it would suit me
‘more to inhabit, no place of which I've seen
or hear, but | know that being where Iam is
wrong. 1 see the objects and landscape of
the existence we perceive around us as
being a very thin shel, that if we were to
wait until the right moment while our
relatives crowd onto the porch to watch the
sun go down behind the hills, that if we
‘were to wait and then suddenly tun and
runat it, we could crash through those hills
‘and sunset lke it was glass. Orijello. 1
imagine my arrival on the other side of
‘existence, the surrounding outside of it, as
though it were a cartoon panel. A man.
breaks through a wall of ello.

Now I've gone too far, too specific. But
‘who could drive a minivan and not feel as.
though the road itself were of very thin stuff, a fragile
as paper, not feel oneself sliding mutely across a
perfectly flat piece of blacktop, into oblivion?

‘At times I have felt as though | were truly
connected to this life, but later I've found that it was
only with the spindliestof ties.

' had just graduated college and | was ata party
with some of the people from my new.job. Office
people. We listened to “Bad To The Bone” and felt,
half-drunk on light beer, that within our circle of
dickhead office managers and spinster typists we were
the nastiest, the sexiest, the hardest-edged of the lot.
‘Though I was a foolish amateur when it came to
looping a tie around my neck each morning; | would
give up and consult a piece of cardboard my old
roommate had neatly diagrammed the procedure on.
Walking past the partners’ offices each morning I'd
feel sure my white collar and shoulders were covered
‘with a hundred inky fingerprints from elementary
school teachers and fraternity boys who had helped

"

ime tie my tie. | was the lowest of the low echelons.
But when it came time to cut loose with the other
‘guys, then Hell, don’t hold me back, | was far more of
person, an actual man, than any grudging born-in-
his-sut office sweetheart. Still‘ firt with the
secretaries, feeling at times that maybe | was that
executive, ina plush swivel chair behind Venetian
blinds, when at five o’clock the secretary's boyfriend
would appear in shirt-tails and cap. Sure, he could say
to himself that he'd worked with his hands all day and.

had nothing to be ashamed of, but who was it that his
itriend put her make-up and heels on for, forty
waking hours of the week?

‘Ata Saturday night party with the office crowd, |
‘was introduced toa stylish Asian girl. She was five
years older than | was; | don’t want to say outright
that | was attracted to her because she was Oriental,
butit did have something to do with it. She was a
few feet away from any ofthe circles | had fallen in
with previously. She had a mystique beyond the girls

(eLel [®
ap

‘who'd been around at college, a mystique enhanced
‘when it turned out she didn’t have a job pushing
papers. Julia was a dental assistant. It sounds terrible
to generalize so much - as a person she was quick to
smile, but wasn’t one of those damned sunny people
‘who are always grinning because they don’t know any
better. Her attraction to me must've been that in
being so exceptionally pale and conservative, | was
Unique. | remember being bumped and prodded by
the half-assed soulful dancing in the room and. >
offering her a beer. Light beer was new on the market
=I was trying to impress her. Julia wanted a scotch.
‘We moved onto the deck, into the cool

Three weeks on | was picking her up from the
dental clinic at quarter to six and putting a pot of
water onto her stove. Making pasta. With her in my
life, work became synonymous to me with wasting
time, but | knew that she was smarter than me, and |
‘would have to keep impressing her somehow. 1 knew
that wearing a shirt and tie to work each day gave me
value, though I barely knew what it was that | was
doing from day to day. Though it had taken six years
after high school to learn my profession, | had only a
finger hold on it. And with each day it
mattered less and less to me whether or not
Heamed anything more. julia knew the
world, she had a son, she had a sense of the
‘events happening around us, she even
knew how to tie a tie, though I never let on
that | was struggling.

I talked to Julia about moving in with
her. Though she had plenty of room her
son had always lived with his grandmother.
Iwouldn’t be in the way, how could I? She
and I were two halves, and it’s not as
though | would commander her space for
myself, lived for her. | worked hard every
day, so hard they joked | must be trying to
raise kids. But it was alla haze. On Friday
nights we would go dancing, go for late
walks afterwards and I would feel strong
and protective of her. She let me. Julia and
1, no, that sounds too distinct, the two of us
would go shopping for music together,
spend Saturdays drinking tea and going to
the park. I never thought of our future too
exactly, | just wanted one day to be as good
as the one before it. That was it.

found out one day through a client
that a few weeks previous Julia had bought
a plane ticket to Portugal. | jumped in the
‘ar and caught her on the sidewalk as she
‘was coming back from lunch, and pulled
the little car up on the curb. 1 stood in
front of her.

“So you're going away.”

“Yes. I'm going on Monday.”

“Didnt think it was necessary to tell me?”

“it never hurt anyone to have time apart. I didn’t
want you to dwell on it.”

“Dwell on it”

“'m still here, aren’t I?”

I spat in her face.

I saw her when she came back from Portugal as
she was returning a library book. | was putting gas in
the car. She smiled at me.

End Part One

".,.we were the nastiest, the sexiest,
the hardest edged of the lot."