a CML : Ce ~ LF Recently the fuzzy ill-witted creatures who write this column ( Note that their numbers are growing, they’ re breed- ing ya’ know...) have recieved some negative feedback regard- ing the humourous content.-That' s really too bad because the intent of this column is to add some fluff (though to some the fluff is a little tasteless, and who said fluff was tasty anyway?) into what amounts to be a whole lot of very serious subject matter. Please take all this scribble with a grain of salt. It's just one warped attempt at humor, that's all. And if anyone thinks it's a waste of space, shut up and write something to replace it with. If that’s too hard to do Don't read the Horoscope , With thanks, Thumper Aries (March 21 - April 20 ) As we peer into our cosmic collector of all wisdom and knowledge of global har- mony we see a worldly waste disposal unit reverseing and returning all that has been thrown out over the past few years, and what a mess! I’m sorry but I dont think they accept green glass. On the 21st of this month you may feel a little uneasy while going through your friends collection of Stones albums. The one to avoid is the one with the Rams head on it... Pisces (February 20 - March 20 ) Sometime inthe past few weeks or very soon you'll be celebrating a very important day. With that we say, or sing rather, Happy birthday to you, Squashed tomatoes and stew, Bread and butter in gutter, Happy birthday to you. Dorit you hate Horoscope birthdays? If you are a typical fish, you will lose all use of rational thought once you have discovered you didn’t put the right slide film in the camera. Aquarius (January 2/ - February 19) Don't you just hate it when you’re lying on a nice grassy hill almost losing yourself in the clouds gliding across the sky above you when all of a sudden, a large black shadow of an elderly American tourist and the hulk of a large dog-like animal looms overhead. Dont you just hate it when they ask you stupid questions like * Are you an Aquarius? My Foofoo is an Aquarius’... Capricorn (December 21 - January 20 ) Relax, every- thing will work out- except for a few minor details - A) The car will startin the morning. Only problem is that the key will snap off in the ignition. B) All work will be in and excepted on time. Problem is someone will decide that it’s all politicaly incorrect.C) You have successfully convinced the cafeteria to use ceramic plates. Problem is they still insist on people throwing them out... Sagittarius ( November 23 - December 22 ) You fell asleep in Art History again, this is not good. Why? Why? Well you missed the coffee break. This was probably the most important coffee break of all time mainly because of an idea that Douglas Adams introduced in one of his books. Fenchurch came up with a way to solve the World’s Problems, you may have come up with a way to flavor eggplant... VANCOUVER OPERA Turning life’s great, eternal passions into music On Sale Now! Canadian No phone orders. The Marriage of Figaro Special Student Offer - March 30 Performance Students Save 25%! When you purchase tickets to the March 30th performance of The Marriage of Figaro Mozart’s Comic Masterpiece of Marital Mischief! in Italian with English translations projected above the stage Queen Elizabeth Theatre 8pm Special March 30th Ticket Prices $19.60 - $49.55, regularly $25.45 - $66.45 Don't risk being turned away at the door! Simply fill out the coupon and presentit, in person, along with valid student ID, at any Ticketmaster outlet Ghe Vancowwer Sun Name Address City Province Postal Code Phone Post secondary institution Student # > fa im wa The Marriage of Coupon not valid with any other coupon or offer. Valid only for the March 30, 1992 performance of The Marriage of Figaro. Subject to availability. Scorpio ( October 24 - November 22 ) Due to an offensive message in a fortune cookie your neighbor’s dog will hypothesize the gradient of St Peter’s Cathedral using a strand of spagetti and Zen navigation and then somewhere along the line will proceed to eat all of your acrylic paint. After that, someone will have their pelvic region marked upon with such painterly impasto that someone will just have to remark on the lovely little doggy-nose prints. Libra ( September 24 - October 22) MMMMMMMM I smell cookies. Mmmm-mmmm I smell lots of cookies. This brings to mind the lovely idea of the cure-all to a typical art-student’s woes: never having enough to eat. Image if you will some kind of cosmological wormhole in spacetime that connects your stomach with the upper lefthand corner of the grill at Vong’s at 43rd and Fraser. Virgo ( August 23 - September 24 ) I'd like to point out that there are Virgos with long noses. How do you measure anose? From the cheek out to the tip of the nose. Or perhaps between from the eyes along the bridge? Or from nostril to nostril?? Perhaps from the base of the neck up over the back of the head and then down to the tip? Oris it based on artistic merit, like in figure skating? Did you know that, in latin, Virgo means sinus ? Leo ( July 24 - August 23 ) April will be a full and rich mushroom head month full of absolute ecstasy. ‘Emily Carr---. SAILING FISHING SEABIRDS HIKING HOT SPRINGS WILDLIFE OBSERVATION KAYAKING WHALES che ‘footsteps. __ by Spiritual Bunnies Gemini ( May 22 - June 21) So what is it about the last month of the year before your birthday, Gemini? Does it either make want to: a) clean out all, and I meaii all, of your ear wax using other people’s important documents, b) arrive in class with an overall substance abuse rating of at least 137, or c) become addicted to informative television programs like Inside Edition and Now It Can Be Told. Or maybe not? Cancer (June 22 - July 21) Aaaahhh! The ephemeral naivete of those born in the first rose flush of summer! Itis you, Cancer, whocan walk down the street and smile, thinking such naive things such as that their cats really like them, they remembered to turn the gas stove off before they left, hours ago, Bat Man never hurt anybody, ever, and that that isnt their smoking ruin of an apartment building just up ahead with all the fire trucks around it. Remember: just say cheese! Taurus (April 2]-May 21) Ah! To celebrate your day of birth in the month of mushroom heads! It would be in your best interest this month to spend several days shacked up in complete seclusion. The twenty-fourth, twenty-fifth, twenty-third (somewhere around there) is a particularly powerful day. Relax on this day and ignore whatever your lifenormally is...this is called exponential diversionary miosis. You will experience mutual spatial bliss with enigmatic sanctionization of cohabitational microaprobation. Venus said so. Pay particular attention to ears this month. 4, @ Sy ILDERNESS EXPEDITIONS DEVA CHARTERS LTD. Box 798 Duncan, B.C. Canada V9L 3Y1 (6 JUDY DAVIS JOHN WERTSCHEK A COLLABORATION OPENING MARCH 19, 1992, 8PM CHARLES SCOTT GALLERY MARCH 19-29, 1992 HOURS: 12 NOON -5 PM 1399 JOHNSTON STREET, VANCOUVER, B.C. VER 3H9 (604) 687-2345 Recently the fc il wited creatures who write his cola Not that their mbes are goin, hye reed Inga! lom..)have recieved some epaivefeadbacregar ing the humourous conten: Tats real to bad because the nent of tis columa is to a some ff (though some the ‘Pfs ie astles, and who aid lf was ty ayn?) into what amounts tobe a whol lt of ery serious subject, aie Plas take als scribble withagrainofl. I sas, one warped tempat humor, thats. anyone thinks tsa ae of space shat up and writ something i replce twit. bats oo hard todo Dan eed he Hoescope Wit thanks, Thumper Aries (Marck21-April20) Aswepeerintoour cosmic collector ofall wisdom and knowledge of global har mony we see a worldly waste disposal unit revereing and rtuing al that tas been thrown out over the pas. few years, and what a mess! I'm sory but I dont think they accep green glass. On te 2st ofthis mond you ‘may feelaitle uneasy while going trough yourrends collection of Stones albums. The one 10 avoid isthe one ‘with the Rams head on it Pisces (February 20 - March20) Sometime inthe past few weeks or very soon you'll be celebrating a very important day. With that we say, o sing rather, Happy birthdayto you, quashed omatoesandstew,Breadand ‘ter in guter, Happy birthday to you, Dott you hate Horoscope binhdays? Ifyou are atypical fish, you will ose all use ofrational thought once youhave discovered you didnt at the righ ste film in he camera Aquarius (January 21 February 19) Dost you just hate it when you're Iying ona nice grasy bil almost losing yoursefinthe clouds gliding acrossthesky above you wen all of a sudden large black shadow of an elderly American tourist and he hulk of large doglike animal looms overhead. Dontyou jut hate it when they ask you stupid questions like’ Are youan Aquarius? My Foofoo isan Aquarus Capricorn (December21-January20 Rela, every thing wil work ut except fora ew minor dis - A) Thecar willstatinthe moming Only roblem stha thekey wll stp offin he ignition, B) All work willbe inand excepted ontie. Problem ssomeone wil die thai’ sal polaly coe) Youhavesucessully convinedthe cafeteria tous ceramic plats Problems the il insist on peopl throwing them ou. Sagittarius ( November 23 - December 22) You fell asleepin Art History again his isnot good. Why? Why? ‘Well youmissed the coffecbeak. This was probably the ‘most important coffe break of al ime mainly because ofan idea that Douglas Adams introduced in one of his books. Fenchurch came up with a way 10 solve the ‘World's Problems, you may have come up with away to flavor egepan. VANCOUVER OPERA Sp M Queen On Sale Now Don’t risk being turned away at the doo Canadian ° ~ oS Postal Code The Marriage of i The Marriage of Figaro al Student Of Students Save 257%! When you purchase tickets tothe March 30th performance of ‘The Marriage in Italian with English projected above the stage h Theatre 8pm 55, regularly 8: ‘retlarage! Powe. Sujet bso March 30 Performance f Figaro sterpiece of Marital Mis cket Pri 866.45 She VancowerSun Scorpio ( October 24 ~ November 22 ) Due wo an offensive message ina forune cookie your neighbor's dog willypotiesie the gradient of St Pers Cahedal using a stand of spaget and Zen navigation and then Somer along the line wil proceed to cat al of your aarylicpait Air tha, someone will have their pelvic region marked upon with such painterly impasto that Someone wil jut have co remark on te lovely litle doggy-nose print. Libra (September 24 - October 22 ) MMMMMMMM, [sell cookies. Mmnmim-mmmn {smell sof cookies. ‘This brings to mind we lovely idea ofthe cure-all to a ‘ypicalartstudemt’s woes: never having enough to ea Image if you wil some kind of cosmological wormhole im spacetime that connects your stomach withthe upper Jeftand comer ofthe grill at Vong’s at 43ed and Fase. Virgo (August 23 September 24 jd like to point ow that thee are Vigos with long noses. How do you measure anos? Fromthe checkout tothe ip ofthe nse. (x perhaps between from the eyes along the bridge? Or from nos to nostril? Perhaps from the base ofthe neck up ovr th back ofthe head and then dow tothe tip? Orisitbased on anisticmerit kein figure skating? Did you know tha, in latin, Virgo means snus ? [Leo (July 24 ~ August 23) April wil be ful an ich mushroom head month fll of absolute esas. ee re ee by Spiritual Bunnies els Doesit Gemini (May 2 June 21 ) Sowhatis it abo ‘monthof the yor before your birthday, Grit citer make want 1:2) clan ou all and your ea wa using other people's important document, by arrive in class with an overall substance abuse rating orc) become adicted 10 informative television programs like inside Edition and Now It Can Be Told. Or maybe na of at leas 137, (Cancer (June 22 - July 21) Aazahh! The ephemeral ravete of those bom in dhe fist ose lush of summer! Ikisyou, Cancer, whocan walk down he seetand smile, Uhinking such nave tings such as that heir cats really like them, they remembered to tm the gas siove off before they let hours ago, Bat Man never hurt anybody ver, and that that ister smoking ui of an partment tailing just upahicad with all he fire trucks around it Remember just sy cheese! Taurus (April21-May 21) Ah! To celebrate your day of ‘it in te mom of mushroom heads! It would be in Your best interest his mont to spend several days hacked up in complete seclusion, The twenty-fourth, ‘twenty-fifth, twenty hid (somewherearound thee) isa ‘particularly powerful day. Relax on this day and ignr whatever yourlifenormallyis..hisis called exponential diversionary mosis, You will experience mutual spatial ‘bliss with enigmatic santonizaton of cobsbitationa ‘micoaprobation Venus said so Pay pancular attention warsthsmonh. gy, SUDY DAVIS JOHN WERTSCHEK COMENNO MARCH 19,19, 87H CHARLES SCOTT GALLERY MARL 1929, 192 HOURS: 12 NOON Sat 1399 JHDSTON STREET, VANCOUVER BEER 0 (6) 2345