Beautiful) as they call out to us from behind the screen. My ears bleed with the cries of Luc Besson and his mad-woman saint (The Messenger). My bow- els shift with the strain of Stigmata's misplaced metaphor. Qui-Gon Jinn (The Phantom Menace) draws us close and whispers, William Wallace (Braveheart) screams in final agony, and The Iron Giant closes his eyes and dreams of Superman. They mass, and behind them | see the four horsemen reaping cruel vengeance upon stadium - seating. "And | beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as a sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood; And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth . . . and every mountain and island were moved out of their places." The sixth seal is the final and most cata- Can you truly believe without higher reason that a small bag of popcorn costs five dollars? clysmic before the seventh looses the big show. Through the power of its own action it is the easiest to define, existing in grand, unintelligible movements. | give thee, simply, Deep Impact, Independence Day, Men In Black, Mars Attacks!, Starship Troopers, Volcano, and Twister. | give thee Armageddon. Theatrical release has delivered unto us six signs, all within the last decade. We shall, undoubtedly, be engaged by the seventh quite soon (it is perhaps by coincidence that this event falls around the turn of the millennia, but | think not, for seers have a penchant for round numbers). Do you think it is by chance alone that ticket prices have skyrocketed? It is to witness looting during a great storm. The end is coming, and movie houses are trying to take what they can before they are no longer able. | don't know why this is happening. Perhaps we've exhausted our movie-making allotment (if this is so, | sud- denly regret all of those eighties rom-coms with Patrick Dempsey and John Cusack), or perhaps its due to the ulti- mate succession of digital media. | don't know. But it is hap- pening now. The merest thought of the occurrence fills me with such absolute dread that | near paralyzation. | had so wanted to see Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings trilogy. You are filled with fear, | know. But in truth there is not much that one can do. | suggest you gird your loins, approach the cinemas with this unhappy knowledge, and revel in as much film as is humanly possible. The bulbs will finally burst and the strips will finally turn to flame, pits will form beneath the SilverCities and swallow them whole, DPs will wander about in zombie-like hazes and feast on children, the south-western United States will disappear in a salty flash, cinephiles will move underground in unadapted troglodytish blindness. This will be the reality. Share my words with others. Convince movie- quoting geeks to find a new pastime. Talk your parents out of their planned vacation to MGM Studios. Save your waitressing friends from further pursuing their sad, little acting careers. The end is near. 15 @ ‘e Beautiful) as they call out to us from behind the screen. My ears bleed with the cries of Luc Besson and his mad-woman saint (The Messenger). My bow- els shift with the strain of Stigmata's misplaced metaphor. Qui-Gon Jinn (The Phantom Menace) draws us close and whispers, William Wallace (Braveheart) screams in final agony, and The Iron Giant closes his, eyes and dreams of Superman. They mass, and behind them | see the four horsemen reaping cruel vengeance upon stadium - seating. “And | beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as a sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood; And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth . . . and every mountain and island were moved out of their places." The sixth seal is the final and most cata- Can you truly believe without higher reason that a small bag of popcorn costs five dollars? clysmic before the seventh looses the big show. Through the power of its own action it is the easiest to define, existing in grand, unintelligible movements. | give thee, simply, Deep Impact, Independence Day, Men In Black, Mars Attacks!, Starship Troopers, Volcano, and Twister. | give thee ‘Armageddon. Theatrical release has delivered unto us six signs, all within the last decade. We shall, undoubtedly, be engaged by the seventh quite soon (it is perhaps by coincidence that this event falls around the turn of the millennia, but | think not, for seers have a penchant for round numbers). Do you think it is by chance alone that ticket prices have skyrocketed? It is to witness looting during a great storm. The end is coming, and movie houses are trying to take what they can before they are no longer able. I don't know why this is happening. Perhaps we've exhausted our movie-making allotment (if this is so, | sud- denly regret all of those eighties rom-coms with Patrick Dempsey and John Cusack), or perhaps its due to the ulti- mate succession of digital media. | don't know. But itis hap- pening now. The merest thought of the occurrence fills me with such absolute dread that | near paralyzation. | had so wanted to see Peter Jackson's Lord Of The Rings trilogy. You are filled with fear, ! know. But in truth there is. not much that one can do. | suggest you gird your loins, approach the cinemas with this unhappy knowledge, and revel in as much film as is humanly possible The bulbs will finally burst and the strips will finally turn to flame, pits will form beneath the SilverCities and swallow them whole, Ps will wander about in zombie-like hazes and feast on children, the south-western United States will disappear in a salty flash, cinephiles will move underground in unadapted troglodytish blindness. This will be the reality. Share my words with others. Convince movie- quoting geeks to find a new pastime. Talk your parents Out of their planned vacation to MGM Studios. Save your waitressing friends from further pursuing their sad, litle acting careers The end is near. 3_@®